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Mentalcel - this is what it's like (total trainwreck)

I

iblamemyself

Overlord
★★★
Joined
Nov 19, 2017
Posts
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4d 11h 40m
Hello fellow incels I'm new here. Since there is no introduction section I will post here and also explain my situation. I am in a grey area when it comes to celibacy. So what's my defect? I am a mentalcel.
Now, traps and gentlemen, before you throw your tomatoes at me, hear my story.

(I include a tl;dr but you should really read my story. Don't be a lazycel)

I am not very high on the neckbeard scale per se, but I do have severe issues. My problem is: I have been molested when I was a kid. It happened once, in a hospital. Since then everything went to the shitter.

This did many things to me. For starters I started to withdraw from other people. Being around others is physically exhausting, still to this day. I am in my 20s. I got bullied badly in school. I couldn't defend myself. It was too difficult, noone had my back and btw I had trouble detecting attacks and hostility. I was totally numb to anything. Had a crush on a Stacey who rejected me and decided to ruin my reputation for personal gain of popularity. Always  eating alone and being alone. Constant negative attention for years. Shitty grades, could not focus. You get the drift. Total subhuman.

I managed to finish school. Somehow. I guess I never lost hope. I cut off all contact with everyone. Since I was so passive many people started to feel bad about abusing me, trying to get through to me. Maybe I should have taken their help. But at that time I felt not only humiliated beyond belief, I felt physically ill just looking at my tormentors and excluders. I still feel pain when I think about them.

After that I went to uni and it was bad. I made some great experiences in the first semesters. But then I was the outcast again. I stopped going to classes. Only ever showed up to the tests. I stayed at home. I saved a lot of money and also earned a lot making youtube poops, so I could stay at home in an own apartment all the time. I did poops all day long, smoking and drinking. I thought I was so clever (yeah really).

But then my mental health took a hit. First my thoughts started to race, then I started developing schizophrenia. I heard voices but couldn't understand what they were saying, but they sounded accusing and demanding. I also started talking to myself randomly, the words just came out of my mouth, I could muffle my voice and distort my words, but I couldn't resist the urge to babble. Hard to explain, it's like sneezing, comes when you don't expect it. I also had some random unprovoked freakouts. Like the ones Onision stages, just totally spazzing out, crying and talking nonsense, damaging stuff and making weird noises and moves before collapsing on the couch. Feeling relieved but disappointed.

I knew that I was totally insane. I felt bad about it. I became such a grotesque figure, I was like a character form a shitty indie movie that was directed by a complete hipster asshole. I had enough strength to keep my composure when going out of my apartment for shopping groceries or going to tests.

Eventually I dropped out to LDAR, in hopes that time would heal my wounds. I stopped making poops because I figured it would contribute to my schizo. Eventually I ran out of money and I started to work as a delivery driver (it's a tough job). Working helped restore my self image a bit.

I made and saved a lot of money, and my schizophrenia is mostly gone now. My mind got calm. I made so much money, I can LDAR for another few months. It's a glorious feeling. I also signed up at an online college.

What about the femoids doe?

I am scared of intimacy. Because of the rejection and my traumatic past. Also a little perfomance anxiety because of "I am a femoid I deserve everything" attitudes. I feel stressed out just thinking about sex.
The biggest issue is that my libido is really, really low. Like I don't wanna lift up my hand to jerk off for a week. Because of my traumatic childhood experience in the hospital and failing to make good romantic experiences in school, I guess my brain linked sex to negative things. This is the only possibility, other survivors of rape and sexual abuse, I mean real survivors not these metoo losers, complain about the same issue. No my hormones are ok and I'm phyiscally somewhat fit. I am straight no doubt.

I feel I belong to incles because there is so much damage done to me. Life cut me down. I could eventually recover and live a somewhat worthy life - if I can overcome my past and make good sexual experiences. Which proves to be difficult in this hypergamous climate.

Social circle? Never had one.
PUA? No can't do. I am super sensitive to rejection and any other form of social stress, I am also scared of becoming a schizo again. Not being able to think clearly and having involuntary fits is really bad for your self image.
Tinder? It scares me. I think it multiplies my performance anxiety because of Tinders slutty nature. I need a femoid to be patient and support me, not take what I have to offer like I don't matter. Plus I don't really know if my looks are good enough to pull dates up from this shithole, I never tried tbh.
Hookers? Yeah, maybe, but it will reduce my LDAR budget and I will have to enter the workforce sooner.

Tl;dr: Got molested as child, got bullied in school but made it through, went to uni, was an outcast again, developed schizophrenia, worked for a while, now LDARing and attending online college. Tragic mentalcel, no libido, scared of intimacy, but need good experiences to transcend subhumanity. Which of course proves to be difficult in this hypergamous climate.
 
torujo

torujo

low iqcel
Joined
Nov 8, 2017
Posts
2,531
Online
2d 2h 3m
are you good looking or not?
 
ICanOnlyFapToBDSM

ICanOnlyFapToBDSM

tanzen und tanzen
-
Joined
Nov 10, 2017
Posts
7,067
Online
1h 44m
sometimes I wonder if I got raped as a kid. I sure hope not.
 
I

iblamemyself

Overlord
★★★
Joined
Nov 19, 2017
Posts
5,179
Online
4d 11h 40m
torujo said:
are you good looking or not?

I don't know... femoids judge looks so differently than men I have the impression. Before the blackpill I never thought about jawlines etc.

I have some good features but average height.
 

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