Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,341
The past 10 years are a complete blur, especially the past 8 or so, it's all been just endless consumption of escapist media, despondency, and self-sabotage since the moment I stopped going to highschool. Hardcore rotting NEETdom and essentially being an equivalent to a hikikomori is a form of time travel. Seriously I never know what day it is, and generally have to think for a moment to even recall the current month. It feels like I'm stuck being a teenager, except that I have larger knowledge base, and my body has begun to deteriorate a bit. I'm a kid in an adult's body, only without any of the positivism and hope that comes with being a kid.
The more time I spent observing life from a distance, the more I began to despise it all, and resent the fact that I was even born. Too much thinking might cause you to realize things which you'd be better off not knowing, and I suspect that if you spend too much time isolated, that it will begin to fuck with your mind. Like I was getting at, time is very weird to me, it doesn't feel like it has any linearity. Something that I did a week ago feels about as distant as something that I did 5 years ago. Sometimes I sit around just wondering where I am tbh. It's not that I forget that I'm in my room, but only that knowledge of my immediate surroundings doesn't give me the feeling of attachment like it used to. I'm a human, I have a name, I have parents, I exist in a particular place and time, but none of these things mean anything to me.
You know what it feels like when you're dreaming, but then you suddenly become aware that you're in a dream? It's sort of like that. The only experiences that feel "real" to me are those which I construct intentionally, entirely within my mind. I can imagine reaching out and touching a few blades of grass, and it feels more genuine than if I were to go outside and try to replicate the same thing. It feels like I have to get out, or to defocus. It's like my visual field is being artificially constrained and attached to my head, and if I could only wake up then I won't be so restricted. Once I wake up I'll be able to zoom out of my own head, and see in perfect detail. At that point I will no longer be caged in this insufficient prison of a body. I won't be limited to my hands, feet, and mouth for manipulation. I'll be able to will reality to change just by thinking about it.
My own body feels alien to me. No longer do I simply accept and respond to things like an automaton, everything is strange to me now.
The more time I spent observing life from a distance, the more I began to despise it all, and resent the fact that I was even born. Too much thinking might cause you to realize things which you'd be better off not knowing, and I suspect that if you spend too much time isolated, that it will begin to fuck with your mind. Like I was getting at, time is very weird to me, it doesn't feel like it has any linearity. Something that I did a week ago feels about as distant as something that I did 5 years ago. Sometimes I sit around just wondering where I am tbh. It's not that I forget that I'm in my room, but only that knowledge of my immediate surroundings doesn't give me the feeling of attachment like it used to. I'm a human, I have a name, I have parents, I exist in a particular place and time, but none of these things mean anything to me.
You know what it feels like when you're dreaming, but then you suddenly become aware that you're in a dream? It's sort of like that. The only experiences that feel "real" to me are those which I construct intentionally, entirely within my mind. I can imagine reaching out and touching a few blades of grass, and it feels more genuine than if I were to go outside and try to replicate the same thing. It feels like I have to get out, or to defocus. It's like my visual field is being artificially constrained and attached to my head, and if I could only wake up then I won't be so restricted. Once I wake up I'll be able to zoom out of my own head, and see in perfect detail. At that point I will no longer be caged in this insufficient prison of a body. I won't be limited to my hands, feet, and mouth for manipulation. I'll be able to will reality to change just by thinking about it.
My own body feels alien to me. No longer do I simply accept and respond to things like an automaton, everything is strange to me now.