I've only just started to look at things this way, but when I really think about it, that's how I've began to view life and I operate as such, I'm really tired of it all, but I'm bored and living life is something to do to keep me busy so I do it, its like I'm scrapbooking or collecting stamps or something JFL
TBH all I really want is to fuck one more time (escortcel) and to see some "true retribution" (not ER, something on a grander scale) and I'd be alright with dying, I'm kind of tired of it all, I don't feel an attachment to living anymore, the mental investment no longer feels worth it, when I see people at work talking about family members dying or their own health, I can see genuine worry and sadness on their faces, and I realized years ago all of that shit stopped mattering to me, I've already accepted that this existence is shit, so when someone I know/like dies its like "yeah, as expected, this life is shit, this isn't anything new", there is no feeling of shock or sadness like I see with normies, and I realize why, a death in the family or with friends to normies is an "upset" in their life, because their lives are usually enjoyable and stable, but for people like me, whose lives are filled with daily thoughts of suicide, depression, bad luck, etc, a death is just another day like any other, I've already accepted my own death, I feel a sense of calm think about it, to doesn't even matter anymore, I feel this sense of calm with every death, human life no longer has any significance
But yeah, this shit doesn't feel "real" anymore, it feels like I'm drifting withing the space of what a human existence should be, I'm trying to get to a point in which I can really start enjoying life, but at the same time, I really just want everything around me to completely fall apart so I can stop holding back and stop playing this pointless game of civility
You know that weird thing where if you think about the fact that you are breathing you stop breathing automatically and now you have to breathe manually, that shit is happening to me more and more these days, normies have all these distractions and a mindset that allows them to "truly live", but when your life is empty selfawareness and introspective thought becomes a norm and that's not always a good thing
I find this new "phenomenon" funny and very ironic, because just living is literally feeling like it requires too much effort, even breathing requires a lot of effort when you think about it, its just that it happens passively most of the time for us, but imagine if you had to actually manually breathe every second of everyday of your life, that would get annoying pretty quick, but you'd keep doing it anyways because living is "all that there is", and in a sense that's what my life is also liking, having to breathe manually and be aware of it
TBH all I really want is to fuck one more time (escortcel) and to see some "true retribution" (not ER, something on a grander scale) and I'd be alright with dying, I'm kind of tired of it all, I don't feel an attachment to living anymore, the mental investment no longer feels worth it, when I see people at work talking about family members dying or their own health, I can see genuine worry and sadness on their faces, and I realized years ago all of that shit stopped mattering to me, I've already accepted that this existence is shit, so when someone I know/like dies its like "yeah, as expected, this life is shit, this isn't anything new", there is no feeling of shock or sadness like I see with normies, and I realize why, a death in the family or with friends to normies is an "upset" in their life, because their lives are usually enjoyable and stable, but for people like me, whose lives are filled with daily thoughts of suicide, depression, bad luck, etc, a death is just another day like any other, I've already accepted my own death, I feel a sense of calm think about it, to doesn't even matter anymore, I feel this sense of calm with every death, human life no longer has any significance
But yeah, this shit doesn't feel "real" anymore, it feels like I'm drifting withing the space of what a human existence should be, I'm trying to get to a point in which I can really start enjoying life, but at the same time, I really just want everything around me to completely fall apart so I can stop holding back and stop playing this pointless game of civility
You know that weird thing where if you think about the fact that you are breathing you stop breathing automatically and now you have to breathe manually, that shit is happening to me more and more these days, normies have all these distractions and a mindset that allows them to "truly live", but when your life is empty selfawareness and introspective thought becomes a norm and that's not always a good thing
I find this new "phenomenon" funny and very ironic, because just living is literally feeling like it requires too much effort, even breathing requires a lot of effort when you think about it, its just that it happens passively most of the time for us, but imagine if you had to actually manually breathe every second of everyday of your life, that would get annoying pretty quick, but you'd keep doing it anyways because living is "all that there is", and in a sense that's what my life is also liking, having to breathe manually and be aware of it
