Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happy and fulfilled could just keep coping, playing videogames, watching TV and listening to music like this, forever. But obviously I have to worry about other things like studying and finding a way to make money. It's so bullshit, really. I don't know if I stopped caring or if I just never cared, but all I can say is that I don't care about anything in the world right now. And even when the thought of being single and a virgin and KHHV forever comes up and I try to get rid of it I can't help but feel kinda glad (at the moment) about the now and not about what could be.
But even when I cope and enjoy myself, feeling glad and all, there's this feeling that if I don't secure a future for myself where I don't get to wageslave that I'm just going to fail. I just can't shake this off my mind, the thought itself is always there no matter how distracted I am or try to make myself be.
And now I'm in a struggle of choosing between trying to enjoy and "consume" even more. But when is consuming ever enough? I'm pretty sure that humans aren't made for consuming, consuming mindlessly as much as they're meant to create or "do" something. If I could just try that, then yeah, and I'd say that me just coping and doing nothing is quite unfulfilling.
I'm just really confused and unsure right now. I don't know if I feel good, or if I feel bad. Shouldn't I be able to recognize it? Because I have felt both emotions during a lot of times but now, I'd say now it's as if I'm satisfied but at the same time it feels like I should be doing something. As if I'm just delaying the inevitable, really, and that the more I delay the worse it will all come crashing down.
But even when I cope and enjoy myself, feeling glad and all, there's this feeling that if I don't secure a future for myself where I don't get to wageslave that I'm just going to fail. I just can't shake this off my mind, the thought itself is always there no matter how distracted I am or try to make myself be.
And now I'm in a struggle of choosing between trying to enjoy and "consume" even more. But when is consuming ever enough? I'm pretty sure that humans aren't made for consuming, consuming mindlessly as much as they're meant to create or "do" something. If I could just try that, then yeah, and I'd say that me just coping and doing nothing is quite unfulfilling.
I'm just really confused and unsure right now. I don't know if I feel good, or if I feel bad. Shouldn't I be able to recognize it? Because I have felt both emotions during a lot of times but now, I'd say now it's as if I'm satisfied but at the same time it feels like I should be doing something. As if I'm just delaying the inevitable, really, and that the more I delay the worse it will all come crashing down.
