My mom called me at the end of this college semester, asking if I finished any courses or dropped them all like last time. I did drop them all as I'm depressed and demotivated. She's making me enroll in them again, and we'll have another phone call. I'm not a retard or anything, and I think I'm pretty smart if I try hard for something. I just don't believe that college or even a good job can change my social life because I'm very autistic. I have always approached in the past to failure. I can't make friends. I especially can't get a girlfriend. Mom randomly brought up getting an arranged marriage in her home country Vietnam over the phone. I want real love. This is why I've been so demotivated in the first place, but it's physically hard for me to tell anybody. I really want a girlfriend, but that means more than it sounds. I want to be accepted by somebody for who I am, as I was made differently from others.
For the next few years of my life, I'll just be repeating what I do, that is retaking college courses and dicking around on my bike. Nothing will change, and nothing can change because my autism is with me forever. It's a demon or a spirit always following and looking over my shoulder. It's making everybody else want to go away. My brothers try hard in school and they see a reward at the end with social experiences along the way. I'm walking an endless road to nowhere. This is the fate of one man damned to autism.
For the next few years of my life, I'll just be repeating what I do, that is retaking college courses and dicking around on my bike. Nothing will change, and nothing can change because my autism is with me forever. It's a demon or a spirit always following and looking over my shoulder. It's making everybody else want to go away. My brothers try hard in school and they see a reward at the end with social experiences along the way. I'm walking an endless road to nowhere. This is the fate of one man damned to autism.
