I used to be a hopeless romantic when I was in middle/high school, but I became aware by the end of 9th grade and since then life has been tough but easier. I wouldn't want to be a lobotomized normie at all to be honest, the awareness gives me some dignity to keep on living. I am managing to rid myself of the spite I feel towards life and the world too, and it also helps in dealing with the consequences of inceldom, although it's not like I am fine either, I am still broken on the inside and probably will die this way but eh, at least I'm not shrouded in hate and resentment for things I can't control anyways.
Hard to put into words clearly, like, I almost laugh at the absurdity of it all, that in the year 2026 things seem so bleak and soulless, most of my hobbies have been invaded by normies and enshittified beyond repair, I used to live on the internet to escape the shit life I had to somehow endure but now it's almost like I'm escaping this shitty internet into the real world. Being by myself is surely depressing but at the same time, I observe that when I'm around people I'm always conscious of the social boundaries, the game of pretend that people play every day in order to survive in a society that seems to become more and more low trust due to a myriad of factors, conscious that whenever people speak, there is always a 2nd meaning to things or that people use passive-aggressiveness as a form of social flattening in order to check your behavior and bring you back to their level. And here I thought that only eastern, collectivist societies had this way of approaching the social life, trying to keep an outer facade while hiding their actual thoughts, opinions and sensations, but nope, it's a thing in the "almighty" west too. So I can't really enjoy spending time with others either because they're never honest, sincere and never actually speak their mind... so what is even the point of hanging out with marionettes that are wearing a mask every single day, for the entirety of their lives?
But it's not like I resent them either; I understand why they must play this game every day, but I simply refuse to do so and withdraw from this meaningless performance I was called to participate into, it's not my thing really. And you see that with females too, it's almost like they force everyone to perform (besides inducing competition between males whenever they are around), like, they have taken over the internet and made it a normie place, let us not kid ourselves, they are the primary user base of social media, and are always with their phone out, so I think people now just fear that they'll be "exposed" and their life be ruined for doing things that in the prior centuries was acceptable human behavior.
So, once I became aware of the social theatre and quietly left as it didn't suit me particularly, life has gotten more manageable, and I feel more at ease being with myself. I still tend to dissociate and depersonalize almost instinctively, mostly because that was my main form of escapism in earlier years, but I have to say that it's gotten a bit better, too. I'd need to completely change environment, though, for it to become radically better, I think.
Some might say that it's just "sour grapes" behavior and I mean, not like I can convince them otherwise, but I have my hobbies, my passions and a couple of clear goals for the future, I think that is what enables people to survive, some have God's plan, some have idk dreams of robotic waifus (me too tbh), sure, I don't have friends anymore, and am a KHHV, but if keeping it real and being as sincere as I can be resulted in this, then it resulted in this, can't really blame anyone but me if anything, for not conforming to the social prison.
Some like to state that old african proverb about the boy and the village, but honestly, for me it wouldn't even be worth it to burn down the village, if they wanna keep it then they wanna keep it, I just calmly roam around, doing my things. Our domain of agency is greatly limited anyways, why bother to try and control things that we cannot?
I didn't know whether to put the venting or whitepill tag but I think venting fits more as it's primarily me venting, but the undertone I think is very whitepilled.
Hard to put into words clearly, like, I almost laugh at the absurdity of it all, that in the year 2026 things seem so bleak and soulless, most of my hobbies have been invaded by normies and enshittified beyond repair, I used to live on the internet to escape the shit life I had to somehow endure but now it's almost like I'm escaping this shitty internet into the real world. Being by myself is surely depressing but at the same time, I observe that when I'm around people I'm always conscious of the social boundaries, the game of pretend that people play every day in order to survive in a society that seems to become more and more low trust due to a myriad of factors, conscious that whenever people speak, there is always a 2nd meaning to things or that people use passive-aggressiveness as a form of social flattening in order to check your behavior and bring you back to their level. And here I thought that only eastern, collectivist societies had this way of approaching the social life, trying to keep an outer facade while hiding their actual thoughts, opinions and sensations, but nope, it's a thing in the "almighty" west too. So I can't really enjoy spending time with others either because they're never honest, sincere and never actually speak their mind... so what is even the point of hanging out with marionettes that are wearing a mask every single day, for the entirety of their lives?
But it's not like I resent them either; I understand why they must play this game every day, but I simply refuse to do so and withdraw from this meaningless performance I was called to participate into, it's not my thing really. And you see that with females too, it's almost like they force everyone to perform (besides inducing competition between males whenever they are around), like, they have taken over the internet and made it a normie place, let us not kid ourselves, they are the primary user base of social media, and are always with their phone out, so I think people now just fear that they'll be "exposed" and their life be ruined for doing things that in the prior centuries was acceptable human behavior.
So, once I became aware of the social theatre and quietly left as it didn't suit me particularly, life has gotten more manageable, and I feel more at ease being with myself. I still tend to dissociate and depersonalize almost instinctively, mostly because that was my main form of escapism in earlier years, but I have to say that it's gotten a bit better, too. I'd need to completely change environment, though, for it to become radically better, I think.
Some might say that it's just "sour grapes" behavior and I mean, not like I can convince them otherwise, but I have my hobbies, my passions and a couple of clear goals for the future, I think that is what enables people to survive, some have God's plan, some have idk dreams of robotic waifus (me too tbh), sure, I don't have friends anymore, and am a KHHV, but if keeping it real and being as sincere as I can be resulted in this, then it resulted in this, can't really blame anyone but me if anything, for not conforming to the social prison.
Some like to state that old african proverb about the boy and the village, but honestly, for me it wouldn't even be worth it to burn down the village, if they wanna keep it then they wanna keep it, I just calmly roam around, doing my things. Our domain of agency is greatly limited anyways, why bother to try and control things that we cannot?
I didn't know whether to put the venting or whitepill tag but I think venting fits more as it's primarily me venting, but the undertone I think is very whitepilled.
