I have to admit that i was never a devout christian or anything like that, sometimes i prayed when i was nervous of the days ahead and sometimes i went to church thats about it. However, deep down i wanted to believe that there was someone watching over us keeping us safe because it was if anything a positive mindset. As my depression progressed i started doubting his existance more and more until one day i saw that one of the foids i liked got hit on by a chad and that made me so angry even tho i never talked to her nor had a chance in the first place. As i drove away i stared at the cross i had with me and began cursing god and threw that shit out the window while yelling "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU".
In hindsight, i shouldnt have done that as it felt really wrong but i was so angry that i had to blame someone else other than me. I also shouldnt have gotten worked up over a foid but at that time i was pretty unhinged and over the edge, as tight as a guitar string and i just snapped. Today i have yet to reconcile with god and asks his forgiveness nor have i not gotten a new cross. I feel like i should but at the same time i dont want to because i just dont know if its even worth bothering. I just dont know if he is truly there because how can i suffer so much when worst people than me can have everything i desire with mere a bone thrown my way.
