It's especially super weird cause this happens with my parents, who were always very supportive and encouraged me to do stuff. But it's like the more supportive they are the more I want to hide. This must be another trait of my avoidant personality disorder. It would have happened with other people but I avoided other people so much that it only happens with my parents cause my parents are the only people in my life.
And it's like I'm bipolar or something, cause in some situations I can be free as fuck and super confident and not care, and sometimes I can care too much and am too inhibited. Especially if like strangers see me, sometimes I don't care at all. The shit I did while I was an alcoholic for example, I won't say any of it but god damn it still haunts me.
I have 3 good examples that will make you understand this weird anxiety I'm talking about. I don't like my parents to hear me or see me do anything that would reveal aspects of me I guess?. Examples:
1. Know those plays or songs or dances and shit that they make you do in the first few grades of school? Kids always invited their parents and were proud to show off. Me? I always begged my parents NOT to come. They were supportive and nice, but I was just too anxious to have them see me. I didn't give a shit if other parents saw me, really couldn't give less of a fuck. But my supportive parents? No.
2. Guitar. They wanted me to learn guitar, I wanted to learn guitar, so they bought me a guitar. They even bought me another one a few years later when I wanted to try learning again. But I never actually learned because I was too anxious to play at home where they could hear me. THEY ENCOURAGED me to play, wanted me to, and yet I was too fucking anxious. Couldn't give less of a fuck if anybody else heard me though. What the fuck?
3. Don't like if they hear me talking to anybody. Like on the phone. Luckily I don't have any friends and nobody's number on my phone, but on the few occasions in life where that did happen I was super anxious and tried not to be heard. I probably would've started a youtube or twitch thing if I didn't have this fear of being heard.
They're good people, they're supportive and want me to do things. But for some reason I'm super fucking anxious about it. I think this is related to a lot of my other mental problems. Tbh it's also one of the reasons why I don't go out. Not having friends or a girlfriend is one thing, but I think I would've at least tried to get friends or something if I weren't so anxious of my parents knowing. And they would have ENCOURAGED me to go out with friends or a girlfriend, and yet I'm so anxious I won't do it mostly because of this.
Wtf is wrong with me?
And it's like I'm bipolar or something, cause in some situations I can be free as fuck and super confident and not care, and sometimes I can care too much and am too inhibited. Especially if like strangers see me, sometimes I don't care at all. The shit I did while I was an alcoholic for example, I won't say any of it but god damn it still haunts me.
I have 3 good examples that will make you understand this weird anxiety I'm talking about. I don't like my parents to hear me or see me do anything that would reveal aspects of me I guess?. Examples:
1. Know those plays or songs or dances and shit that they make you do in the first few grades of school? Kids always invited their parents and were proud to show off. Me? I always begged my parents NOT to come. They were supportive and nice, but I was just too anxious to have them see me. I didn't give a shit if other parents saw me, really couldn't give less of a fuck. But my supportive parents? No.
2. Guitar. They wanted me to learn guitar, I wanted to learn guitar, so they bought me a guitar. They even bought me another one a few years later when I wanted to try learning again. But I never actually learned because I was too anxious to play at home where they could hear me. THEY ENCOURAGED me to play, wanted me to, and yet I was too fucking anxious. Couldn't give less of a fuck if anybody else heard me though. What the fuck?
3. Don't like if they hear me talking to anybody. Like on the phone. Luckily I don't have any friends and nobody's number on my phone, but on the few occasions in life where that did happen I was super anxious and tried not to be heard. I probably would've started a youtube or twitch thing if I didn't have this fear of being heard.
They're good people, they're supportive and want me to do things. But for some reason I'm super fucking anxious about it. I think this is related to a lot of my other mental problems. Tbh it's also one of the reasons why I don't go out. Not having friends or a girlfriend is one thing, but I think I would've at least tried to get friends or something if I weren't so anxious of my parents knowing. And they would have ENCOURAGED me to go out with friends or a girlfriend, and yet I'm so anxious I won't do it mostly because of this.
Wtf is wrong with me?
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