Even though my childhood had a lot of good times, there would be times when I would be in the middle of having fun, whether it be with friends or family, and I suddenly would get this depressingly sharp feeling of dread in my heart. I didn’t know what caused it, but it was always this strange feeling that the joy I had wasn’t going to last forever.
I’ve gone through depressive episodes even during middle school, but thankfully not the whole way through. When I had them, I felt like my life wasn’t going to work out the way I wanted it to, and I had this crushing fear that I would lose my innocence somehow or go insane.
Most other kids will never experience this. I was always a very observant child due to my spergness, which also probably explains why I got depressed at such an age, too much knowledge/existential crises too soon. Meanwhile the other kids had a true undying joy, and they were all low inhib which allowed them to live up their childhoods to the fullest. I would get made fun of for trying to do what they do.
After I got over it, the next few years I was fine, but then I feel deeply in love with a girl, and she broke my heart by rejecting me for someone else. I was only 14 so I can forgive myself for being bluepilled, but then I spent years obsessing over her, the same way any other autist would obsess over one specific thing.
Once I knew it was truly over, I turned to the blackpill. Anger destroyed me, and I developed an anxiety disorder that would cause me to get panic attacks that was once so bad I had to be sent to the emergency room.
I am now a porn addict, smoke cigarettes, eat like shit, spend the entire day on my phone, don’t have a job, don’t leave my house apart from running errands, all while that girl who I fell in love with lives her life to the fullest at her college without a true worry in the world.
Maybe this is what my younger self subconsciously knew would happen, maybe this is what he was afraid of. I guess the prophecy came true; I did lose my mind and I’m a shell of the optimistic kid I used to be, my innocence forever out the window. I can never experience the beautiful childhood joy I once felt again, now that I am aware of how cruel and unforgiving the world is, and how I don’t even get to have a family of my own one day.
Combine all of that with what I have learned about the blackpill, how evil women are, female nature, feminism, and every other negative aspect of the world, I can say that it’s over. I have given up on life for well over a year now, and my copes are all I have left.
I’ve gone through depressive episodes even during middle school, but thankfully not the whole way through. When I had them, I felt like my life wasn’t going to work out the way I wanted it to, and I had this crushing fear that I would lose my innocence somehow or go insane.
Most other kids will never experience this. I was always a very observant child due to my spergness, which also probably explains why I got depressed at such an age, too much knowledge/existential crises too soon. Meanwhile the other kids had a true undying joy, and they were all low inhib which allowed them to live up their childhoods to the fullest. I would get made fun of for trying to do what they do.
After I got over it, the next few years I was fine, but then I feel deeply in love with a girl, and she broke my heart by rejecting me for someone else. I was only 14 so I can forgive myself for being bluepilled, but then I spent years obsessing over her, the same way any other autist would obsess over one specific thing.
Once I knew it was truly over, I turned to the blackpill. Anger destroyed me, and I developed an anxiety disorder that would cause me to get panic attacks that was once so bad I had to be sent to the emergency room.
I am now a porn addict, smoke cigarettes, eat like shit, spend the entire day on my phone, don’t have a job, don’t leave my house apart from running errands, all while that girl who I fell in love with lives her life to the fullest at her college without a true worry in the world.
Maybe this is what my younger self subconsciously knew would happen, maybe this is what he was afraid of. I guess the prophecy came true; I did lose my mind and I’m a shell of the optimistic kid I used to be, my innocence forever out the window. I can never experience the beautiful childhood joy I once felt again, now that I am aware of how cruel and unforgiving the world is, and how I don’t even get to have a family of my own one day.
Combine all of that with what I have learned about the blackpill, how evil women are, female nature, feminism, and every other negative aspect of the world, I can say that it’s over. I have given up on life for well over a year now, and my copes are all I have left.
