i know this is a very long response, so much so that i had to put whatever this is called in, but i've tried my
best to explain my problem that i still didn't sum up at the end even though i wrote this much. so
it's totally up to you if you want to read or not, but in case you want to hear my point, it's here,
i read it two times and tried to polish it by making it as coherent to the best of my abilities.
regardless of the points aforementioned, i'll move on if you've decided to read my lengthy response. you honestly didn't have to, it's just me babbling and not even being able to come to a conclusion, and it's just pure autism, nevertheless i've never vented this long about my problem. thanks for making this thread so i could have the chance to explain my problem to the best of my abilities. this is the lengthiest piece of shit i've ever typed. the detrimental effects of staying inside for days without human contact as a result of me being an ugly KHHTV male have taken a toll on me.
so this is def one of the roots to my problem: (this is all i have to quote btw, i just relate to this sentence too much that i had to make a fucking essay type response explaining everything.)
But I only came to that wording like 2 days after constantly mulling the idiocy that I shat out in a post. And it's STILL not really what I mean, I just can't put my thoughts into words properly.
however you described your problem as a little different to mine in the other sentences that i didnt quote (i only quoted one of your sentences that sounded exactly like a symptom of the problem i have right now) , but i think my problem is definitely a lot worse, you can clearly articulate yourself quite a bit and definitely more than me because you just translated what i couldn't come up with in that sentence.
it took me 15 minutes just to finish a half arsed autist paragraph that probably doesn't make sense to you and so i think i am wasting my own time and yours. but i'll still continue on because i'm trying to explain my situation the best i can. it's honestly your right to stop reading here if it doesn't make any sense because i think the next parts are guaranteed to be meaningless.
anyways, every time i have to explain something my mind goes blank and even now im struggling to think of what to write next and i constantly make sure that everything makes sense after ive written a sentence and even at the end of every word i check to make sure that i don't make my autism obvious.
not only that, but it's literally impossible for me to sound articulate in real life, because when you type it is way easier because you don't have the burden of thinking what to say in time, and also when you talk physically you have to avoid the pauses in between sentences which is impossible for me to do because it requires you to think of words on the spot, and that is something i couldn't do from the start. on the few days i go outside and i only leave my house to go to college, and i haven't been to college in person because of a recent lockdown due to covid. so i literally haven't been outside since the lockdown began a month ago and have been rotting here for a very long time. now, going back to topic, whenever i used to attend college a few months before the lockdown there was a rare occasion where some person (usually a male normie , ofc no foid in class has ever talked to me since i've been in college ) would randomly ask me a question probably because of personal gain, after all that's the only use of an utter subhuman like me. continuing on, it was impossible for the questioner to get anything apart from a one worded response from me, and if i try to come out of my social vacuum and try to change things up by starting to initiating a conversation i just remain stuck in the middle of a sentence repeating the last spoken word over and over again or just fill up the silence with a filler word and most of the time i just can't carry on to the next sentence so i just back out and end it off stating the truth that i can't explain and usually the conversation just ends there. so much more to explain, but i'll finish this paragraph off here.
my problem also interferes with my activity here. as you can see my hours online doesn't match with my posts, i should clearly have more posts considering my time online but even after lurking for a while before creating an account i still feel like i shouldn't have made an account and i would have been better off continuing to lurk because i'm essentially doing the same thing even after making an account. this problem of mine makes it so much difficult for me to cope. not only did i lose the genetic lottery, i am also literally talkless. i never had any friends. my genetics are definitely to blame, i have been lonely for my whole life so i definitely get the picture.
if only i could just talk and communicate properly, i could definitely cope a lot better, but i am slowly being driven insane. i don't feel like i'm living in reality at times, my brain is constantly devoid, there's nothing going on in my head 99% of the time, i feel like i cannot cope anymore, a doctor i saw recommended therapy, and therapy as you know is not a solution for being a subhuman, so i did not even think twice.
what makes it more excruciating is the fact that most people on this forum can communicate very clearly, they make threads and explain things very clearly, i haven't made a single fucking thread so far. damn if only i wasn't talkless. can translate their thoughts into words very easily. it takes me a longer than usual time just to come up with a basic answer, can translate their thoughts into words very easily. considering this is the only place that incels can properly communicate and vent in, i constantly feel left out since i do not have the ability to communicate properly.
it takes me a longer than usual time just to come up with a basic answer, but hell. even you have a higher postcount then me, and those posts are usually layers of well written text. this is the first time and probably the only time i'm bothered to write such a lengthy post because even this simple task of explaining just a brief part of my problem has been very hard for me.
anyways, it's taken me almost 4 hours to explain the basics and this is just a clumpy layer of paragraphs, not that i can can continue explaining, i've ran out of words anyways. and you have went offline 3 hours ago and then came back a few minutes ago (holy fuck i've rambled this much that i saw you go offline for a few hours and then come back) so i'll just leave it off here, not much more to explain. only a true subhuman would write this much and still not make a clear point here. and for the fancy words i used in here only dull words came to my mind as i was writing this and i was just using one of the advantages of writing online and that was looking up the synonyms of those dull words so i could sound more articulate and this wouldn't be such a pain to read. anyways,i thank you or anyone else that's not you reading this. thank you for your time and dedication.