back to being depressed again. I took a moment to reflect on a couple things
I have a hard belief that even if I hypothetically had one in a trillion chance of ascending or living a decent life as a virgin then my family already blew it up by raising me and dealing with me the way they do.
I believe that the way my family raised and still deal with me is the last straw that sealed the fate of my life. I feel like they conspired with everyone to create and raise such a "man" that will stay a mentally crippled joke fugly virgin loser forever.
I do not exclude myself from taking some responsibility. I'm an idiot, I'm too naive and I have autism, I always make wrong decisions and wrong judgements, only to regret them later when years pass.
sometimes my mental capacity reach it's limit. it's like an amateur chess player who knows the rules and have some basic knowledge about the game tactics but blunders every now and then, but instead of chess I feel like I'm blundering my entire life over and over and keep losing fights thanks to my brainwiring.
but I don't know....I don't know why my family never supported any dreams I had. Idk why my family was keen on putting me down on every rightful thought I made
why is my family this way?
I wish I had a father who didn't leave us, I wish I had a mother that wasn't a nagging woman and a wrong decision maker like me. I wish, I wish for...atleast a big brother who stood by my side and taught me how to deal with life as a man. I got nobody...no real friends no real family...this is not a life.
this has been by far my worst year, physically, mentally, socially, financially, etc.
I wish I can trade something for something else, but I'm on the brink of losing it all. this is the first time I felt broken this year and couldn't cope anymore, I tried
I tried resisting too much, but I reached my limit and need to vent off some.
I have a hard belief that even if I hypothetically had one in a trillion chance of ascending or living a decent life as a virgin then my family already blew it up by raising me and dealing with me the way they do.
I believe that the way my family raised and still deal with me is the last straw that sealed the fate of my life. I feel like they conspired with everyone to create and raise such a "man" that will stay a mentally crippled joke fugly virgin loser forever.
I do not exclude myself from taking some responsibility. I'm an idiot, I'm too naive and I have autism, I always make wrong decisions and wrong judgements, only to regret them later when years pass.
sometimes my mental capacity reach it's limit. it's like an amateur chess player who knows the rules and have some basic knowledge about the game tactics but blunders every now and then, but instead of chess I feel like I'm blundering my entire life over and over and keep losing fights thanks to my brainwiring.
but I don't know....I don't know why my family never supported any dreams I had. Idk why my family was keen on putting me down on every rightful thought I made
why is my family this way?
I wish I had a father who didn't leave us, I wish I had a mother that wasn't a nagging woman and a wrong decision maker like me. I wish, I wish for...atleast a big brother who stood by my side and taught me how to deal with life as a man. I got nobody...no real friends no real family...this is not a life.
this has been by far my worst year, physically, mentally, socially, financially, etc.
I wish I can trade something for something else, but I'm on the brink of losing it all. this is the first time I felt broken this year and couldn't cope anymore, I tried
I tried resisting too much, but I reached my limit and need to vent off some.
