I have been rejected by my oneitis and the weight of my inceldom weighs down on me more than ever. I would like to discuss precisely why it depresses me. A lot of it will be "water is wet", but I have been crying and I feel suicidal because I know there is nothing I can do to change my situation. I have thought deeply about and I cannot think of anything.
Acceptance is a simple thing. Friendship tells someone that they're acceptable, that they have some worth. A relationship means that somebody else loves you deeply. I've felt that way about others, for years on end I felt that way about Miss H. But it's obvious that she doesn't feel the same way about me. If she felt even 1% the same way, it wouldn't be this endless game of trying to get her attention.
This pain I feel, I am not lying when I say it is one of the worst experiences I've had in my life. Unrequited love is agonizing. For most human beings, they are able to soothe themselves with friendships, other relationships. They don't sink to rock bottom because they have proof that they are not completely unwanted. I don't have that luxury. I only have rejections with no success. There is no other conclusion to draw except that I am unwanted.
I would like to improve, but the problem is that I do precisely this every day. What do you call it when a man earns a PhD? What do you call it when a man achieves independence? Is that not an improvement? Is every day I do my best at work not improve? Is every day I lift, read, or write not an improvement? I did everything I need to do to be in a position to raise a family. But nobody wants to start a family with me. This is inceldom in the truest sense. I have been rejected PURELY off my genetics. Nothing I do, achieve, or saying is convincing any woman to reproduce with me. Here are my stats:
This is why I cry. I cry because it's Good Friday and I'm rotting alone online. I'm so lonely it hurts. My heart has been racing non-stop. I'm on the verge of tears non-stop, my head hurts ceaselessly. I'm so lonely that I'm in agony. I'm hurt, I'm excruciatingly hurt. Girls called me ugly in primary school and there's nothing I can do to change that. I was in fucking university and girls were still making fun of my height. How do you build self-esteem and be confident when this is your average experience? I am utterly and wholly broken as a person. Destroyed. I self-harm so brutally that it has left my legs a disgusting mess. The world gets to hurt me so why can I not hurt myself?!
I feel like I'm being punished, as though this is the consequence of some great moral wrong I've done. I keep combing my life, trying to figure out what is so abominable about me that I've made it to 27 and no women have even wanted to kiss me. I feel humiliated, shamed, and empty and I question why I should go on when it all feels meaningless. There is no point in life when you are entirely unloved.
It's worse than simply being unloved, however. I have memories of being actively hated. Of women taunting me, laughing at me because of my height, humiliating me, mocking me, openly expressing their disdain, and even trying (and succeeding) in intimidating me and making me scared. I'm traumatized by these memories. Do you know what it feels like to be bullied in your 20s? I do.
I don't know what to do. What are the routes to happiness from this position? I tried excelling in my career and academics, and it has brought me no joy. It is not that these activities are worthless. I would enjoy them if I simply had a baseline self-esteem. I cannot magic self-esteem out of nowhere. There is no reason for me to feel good about myself when my rejection rate is 100%. I inevitably have to question why I am so horrid, repulsive, and unwanted? Please show me the thing I do that NO men in relationships do. What differentiates me from men who are loved?
What am I living for at this point? I'm so suicidal and it's not about sex, it was never about sex. It's about how I've been treated because of my looks (height, race, ugliness, darkness) and how it has destroyed me.
Acceptance is a simple thing. Friendship tells someone that they're acceptable, that they have some worth. A relationship means that somebody else loves you deeply. I've felt that way about others, for years on end I felt that way about Miss H. But it's obvious that she doesn't feel the same way about me. If she felt even 1% the same way, it wouldn't be this endless game of trying to get her attention.
This pain I feel, I am not lying when I say it is one of the worst experiences I've had in my life. Unrequited love is agonizing. For most human beings, they are able to soothe themselves with friendships, other relationships. They don't sink to rock bottom because they have proof that they are not completely unwanted. I don't have that luxury. I only have rejections with no success. There is no other conclusion to draw except that I am unwanted.
I would like to improve, but the problem is that I do precisely this every day. What do you call it when a man earns a PhD? What do you call it when a man achieves independence? Is that not an improvement? Is every day I do my best at work not improve? Is every day I lift, read, or write not an improvement? I did everything I need to do to be in a position to raise a family. But nobody wants to start a family with me. This is inceldom in the truest sense. I have been rejected PURELY off my genetics. Nothing I do, achieve, or saying is convincing any woman to reproduce with me. Here are my stats:
- 156cm (5ft1)
- black
- voicelet
- very ugly (women have told me this since I was a child)
- extremely dark
- high inhib introvert
This is why I cry. I cry because it's Good Friday and I'm rotting alone online. I'm so lonely it hurts. My heart has been racing non-stop. I'm on the verge of tears non-stop, my head hurts ceaselessly. I'm so lonely that I'm in agony. I'm hurt, I'm excruciatingly hurt. Girls called me ugly in primary school and there's nothing I can do to change that. I was in fucking university and girls were still making fun of my height. How do you build self-esteem and be confident when this is your average experience? I am utterly and wholly broken as a person. Destroyed. I self-harm so brutally that it has left my legs a disgusting mess. The world gets to hurt me so why can I not hurt myself?!
I feel like I'm being punished, as though this is the consequence of some great moral wrong I've done. I keep combing my life, trying to figure out what is so abominable about me that I've made it to 27 and no women have even wanted to kiss me. I feel humiliated, shamed, and empty and I question why I should go on when it all feels meaningless. There is no point in life when you are entirely unloved.
It's worse than simply being unloved, however. I have memories of being actively hated. Of women taunting me, laughing at me because of my height, humiliating me, mocking me, openly expressing their disdain, and even trying (and succeeding) in intimidating me and making me scared. I'm traumatized by these memories. Do you know what it feels like to be bullied in your 20s? I do.
I don't know what to do. What are the routes to happiness from this position? I tried excelling in my career and academics, and it has brought me no joy. It is not that these activities are worthless. I would enjoy them if I simply had a baseline self-esteem. I cannot magic self-esteem out of nowhere. There is no reason for me to feel good about myself when my rejection rate is 100%. I inevitably have to question why I am so horrid, repulsive, and unwanted? Please show me the thing I do that NO men in relationships do. What differentiates me from men who are loved?
What am I living for at this point? I'm so suicidal and it's not about sex, it was never about sex. It's about how I've been treated because of my looks (height, race, ugliness, darkness) and how it has destroyed me.
