Medcel
Antithesis
-
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2019
- Posts
- 490
- Online
- 3d 3h 26m
No good way to introduce a [Whitepill] on this site. So this is how I decided to abandon the [Blackpill] philosophy without outside support or anything, just by myself ( 
ik ik).
I signed up last year, September. I had already known about [Blackpill] philosophy, but the catalyzing event was when I tried to fit into a group of friends one day in uni. I playfully laid on hands on some guy for some joke that I don't even remember (I lightly slapped him with both hands on the cheeks) but he got bothered and started hitting me. He hit be pretty bad, I got knocked on my ass. None of the people in that friend group defended me, even though it was obviously way over the line. I spoke up for myself, but he told me to leave, twice. So I left. We had class a little bit later and ngl I almost cried in class but I am very good at hiding emotion so nobody noticed thankfully. He got to me after class, he grabbed me quickly and tightly by the shoulder (the "where u goin" sidehug special move) and told me "sorry" but it was more like he was commanding me to tell him it was ok rather than asking for forgiveness. I told him "yeah sure" and left.
Everything went wrong after that. I had some suspicions that people just generally don't like me; no real friends in high school (except one, more on that later), nobody gets my jokes, people sometimes are weirdly silent around me. Some of my family members actually think I might be autistic but idgaf I'm not going to any damn psychiatrist. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started trying less and less in school, I started sleeping much longer or much less some nights (or days), I ate either much less or much more than was necessary, and I felt bad. These are the telltale signs of Major Depression (yes I diagnosed myself fuck you I'm a med student). This continued for a couple of months until corona hit.
When corona hit and the lockdown went into effect, I went into full LDAR mode since classes weren't happening for a little while. During this time, my only friend from highschool (who didn't even really try to hang out with me that much before, he's big into commienism and spreading flyers and shit, he basically only ever hangs with his cool comrades from the cool communist party here in Greece) tried to call me on multiple occasions to find out what was up with me but I was too sad to pick up. One time I was online I decided to talk to him. He went on a tirade about how I wasn't answering the phone. That's about it that's all that he said, he just railed on me for being "irresponsible" and "a bad friend". I got really upset over that and blocked him. Haven't seen him ever since. Entering actual 0 friends mode.
After that, it was minimal effort on anything on my part, school, sleep, food, everything. Extreme LDAR. My depression got worse and worse. I started having tight feelings in my chest sometimes, intense anxiety, insomnia and hypersomnia, both drastic weight loss and weight gain. I also got twitches, weird.
Fast forward to now. Something weird happened. One of my big copes during this time was fapping, but lately (last month or so) I have been getting increasingly less satisfaction from it and increasingly less interest to do it. I went from fapping several times every day, to several times every few days, to once every few days, to now 1 week without and I don't really feel the urge.
Up until this point I 100% believed in the [Blackpill], that my life was shit because my genetics were shit, and that caused people to not like me and that caused me to feel miserable. I also had this unique thought where I believed that I could never be happy because a unique property of my personality, unknown to me, and hard to pinpoint, causes me to be abhorrent to everyone ever. I mean, everything went wrong, what else could I think.
But that was a turning point. I was very angry that sex controlled my life, and seeing that, once in a while, I could be rid of the anguish it caused made me see things in a different way. I came up with this:
People either do things because of rational planning, meaning to obtain a good or something that will cause them pleasure or happiness, or because of instinct. In other words, things that you do for a reason, and things that you do because you just do them. Sex is something that you do because you just do it. It's an instinct.
Now here's the catch: Once you've tasted depression like I have, satisfying your instincts can't make you happy, because you'll always know there's a hidden terror waiting to make you miserable even when everything could be going right, and which cannot be fought off no matter what you do.
So that's my conclusion: Satisfying your instincts won't make you happy. Having a full belly, a pretty girlfriend, a nice house and a height of 6' won't make you happy. Because there'll always be something waiting to take it all the naive joy away from you, and you won't be able to do anything about it.
But what about all the statistics that say attractiveness and neurotypicality equates with happiness? You might be thinking, and I thought that exact thing as well. Thing is, being disheartened by such statistics is fallacious thinking; yes, my measurements and personality say that I will probably not be happy in life, but I don't care about the probability, I care about actually being happy. I don't care about if I will achieve it, I care that I must achieve it. Being disheartened by the odds, feeling fear and despair; that's instinct. Going against fate with what little strength you have and making what little gains you can; that's the only thing that can ever make anyone happy. It's what humanity has been doing since the dawn of time. If Chad was born in 3000 b.C. he would still catch malaria or something and die like the rest of them. Chad can only enjoy his life because of the ingenuity and tenacity of humanity, that has tamed the world and defies nature. And so, that is the only way I can be happy, maybe: by giving it my best shot, and treasuring even the tiniest bits of joy that I can manage to scrape together. Even if I come to lead a complete failure of a life, if at some points I can sit down and relax knowing I'm safe, and if I can find a warm place to sleep sometimes, I will be happy in those moments, because they're the only ones I've got.
Currently I am sitting in my room, with trash strewn across the floor and flies over them. Yes, flies. I have lab equipment coming in with some forbidden vegetables to help me make drugs. I also have the luxury of nobody being able to find out if I killed myself within a few days because people just don't care. This is life, and it is what it is. I've only got one.
I'll be watching this thread for a few hours after which I will switch my password to a random string of characters which I will not remember and log out.
In the end, this is my [Whitepill]: I don't care that it might not happen, it must happen.
P.S. Go ahead and call me bluepilled and cringe you fucking dumbasses, see if you're right
ik ik).I signed up last year, September. I had already known about [Blackpill] philosophy, but the catalyzing event was when I tried to fit into a group of friends one day in uni. I playfully laid on hands on some guy for some joke that I don't even remember (I lightly slapped him with both hands on the cheeks) but he got bothered and started hitting me. He hit be pretty bad, I got knocked on my ass. None of the people in that friend group defended me, even though it was obviously way over the line. I spoke up for myself, but he told me to leave, twice. So I left. We had class a little bit later and ngl I almost cried in class but I am very good at hiding emotion so nobody noticed thankfully. He got to me after class, he grabbed me quickly and tightly by the shoulder (the "where u goin" sidehug special move) and told me "sorry" but it was more like he was commanding me to tell him it was ok rather than asking for forgiveness. I told him "yeah sure" and left.
Everything went wrong after that. I had some suspicions that people just generally don't like me; no real friends in high school (except one, more on that later), nobody gets my jokes, people sometimes are weirdly silent around me. Some of my family members actually think I might be autistic but idgaf I'm not going to any damn psychiatrist. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started trying less and less in school, I started sleeping much longer or much less some nights (or days), I ate either much less or much more than was necessary, and I felt bad. These are the telltale signs of Major Depression (yes I diagnosed myself fuck you I'm a med student). This continued for a couple of months until corona hit.
When corona hit and the lockdown went into effect, I went into full LDAR mode since classes weren't happening for a little while. During this time, my only friend from highschool (who didn't even really try to hang out with me that much before, he's big into commienism and spreading flyers and shit, he basically only ever hangs with his cool comrades from the cool communist party here in Greece) tried to call me on multiple occasions to find out what was up with me but I was too sad to pick up. One time I was online I decided to talk to him. He went on a tirade about how I wasn't answering the phone. That's about it that's all that he said, he just railed on me for being "irresponsible" and "a bad friend". I got really upset over that and blocked him. Haven't seen him ever since. Entering actual 0 friends mode.
After that, it was minimal effort on anything on my part, school, sleep, food, everything. Extreme LDAR. My depression got worse and worse. I started having tight feelings in my chest sometimes, intense anxiety, insomnia and hypersomnia, both drastic weight loss and weight gain. I also got twitches, weird.
Fast forward to now. Something weird happened. One of my big copes during this time was fapping, but lately (last month or so) I have been getting increasingly less satisfaction from it and increasingly less interest to do it. I went from fapping several times every day, to several times every few days, to once every few days, to now 1 week without and I don't really feel the urge.
Up until this point I 100% believed in the [Blackpill], that my life was shit because my genetics were shit, and that caused people to not like me and that caused me to feel miserable. I also had this unique thought where I believed that I could never be happy because a unique property of my personality, unknown to me, and hard to pinpoint, causes me to be abhorrent to everyone ever. I mean, everything went wrong, what else could I think.
But that was a turning point. I was very angry that sex controlled my life, and seeing that, once in a while, I could be rid of the anguish it caused made me see things in a different way. I came up with this:
People either do things because of rational planning, meaning to obtain a good or something that will cause them pleasure or happiness, or because of instinct. In other words, things that you do for a reason, and things that you do because you just do them. Sex is something that you do because you just do it. It's an instinct.
Now here's the catch: Once you've tasted depression like I have, satisfying your instincts can't make you happy, because you'll always know there's a hidden terror waiting to make you miserable even when everything could be going right, and which cannot be fought off no matter what you do.
So that's my conclusion: Satisfying your instincts won't make you happy. Having a full belly, a pretty girlfriend, a nice house and a height of 6' won't make you happy. Because there'll always be something waiting to take it all the naive joy away from you, and you won't be able to do anything about it.
But what about all the statistics that say attractiveness and neurotypicality equates with happiness? You might be thinking, and I thought that exact thing as well. Thing is, being disheartened by such statistics is fallacious thinking; yes, my measurements and personality say that I will probably not be happy in life, but I don't care about the probability, I care about actually being happy. I don't care about if I will achieve it, I care that I must achieve it. Being disheartened by the odds, feeling fear and despair; that's instinct. Going against fate with what little strength you have and making what little gains you can; that's the only thing that can ever make anyone happy. It's what humanity has been doing since the dawn of time. If Chad was born in 3000 b.C. he would still catch malaria or something and die like the rest of them. Chad can only enjoy his life because of the ingenuity and tenacity of humanity, that has tamed the world and defies nature. And so, that is the only way I can be happy, maybe: by giving it my best shot, and treasuring even the tiniest bits of joy that I can manage to scrape together. Even if I come to lead a complete failure of a life, if at some points I can sit down and relax knowing I'm safe, and if I can find a warm place to sleep sometimes, I will be happy in those moments, because they're the only ones I've got.
Currently I am sitting in my room, with trash strewn across the floor and flies over them. Yes, flies. I have lab equipment coming in with some forbidden vegetables to help me make drugs. I also have the luxury of nobody being able to find out if I killed myself within a few days because people just don't care. This is life, and it is what it is. I've only got one.
I'll be watching this thread for a few hours after which I will switch my password to a random string of characters which I will not remember and log out.
In the end, this is my [Whitepill]: I don't care that it might not happen, it must happen.
P.S. Go ahead and call me bluepilled and cringe you fucking dumbasses, see if you're right
