T
I can only take so much.
Is the universe testing my limit?
I'm already convulsing in bed, I have pain written all over my face, my eyes tell you more than any of these texts would, my eyes have nothing but agony in them. Nothing but agony.
Do I ask for too much? A day of life of that girl? A day? A day of being noticed as a living breathing human that also feels emotion? A day of another woman allowing my existence in her presence? A day of being looked at without pity and without disgust?
How much more brutal can it get.. how much. Where do I get the strength from, where do I get the feeling that my life is worth something. Currently I'm somewhere on the level of a dog, no. A stray dog. A wild dog. Yes. Everybody expects me to continue to live, punish me every time I say a word, because I'm not allowed to complain and I'm not allowed to speak so I have to suffer in silence. And the moment I'm not needed in any way they expect me to die alone. Its nothing short of a stray dog.
The last hope I have... no, I don't have hopes. The last piece of delusion I'm left with is with prayers. Maybe God exists and I'll be the one who will be spared for suffering the most. Maybe church is the place that will heal me or fuel my delusion enough to give me strength.
Is the universe testing my limit?
I'm already convulsing in bed, I have pain written all over my face, my eyes tell you more than any of these texts would, my eyes have nothing but agony in them. Nothing but agony.
Do I ask for too much? A day of life of that girl? A day? A day of being noticed as a living breathing human that also feels emotion? A day of another woman allowing my existence in her presence? A day of being looked at without pity and without disgust?
How much more brutal can it get.. how much. Where do I get the strength from, where do I get the feeling that my life is worth something. Currently I'm somewhere on the level of a dog, no. A stray dog. A wild dog. Yes. Everybody expects me to continue to live, punish me every time I say a word, because I'm not allowed to complain and I'm not allowed to speak so I have to suffer in silence. And the moment I'm not needed in any way they expect me to die alone. Its nothing short of a stray dog.
The last hope I have... no, I don't have hopes. The last piece of delusion I'm left with is with prayers. Maybe God exists and I'll be the one who will be spared for suffering the most. Maybe church is the place that will heal me or fuel my delusion enough to give me strength.
