Im gonna start a series of posts in which i tell a story from my days in active addiction.
The first time i ever did cocaine.
At this point i was living by myself already, and i was extremely extremely depressed. I hadn’t started getting seen at theclinic for mental health reasons or anything. I was rawdogging life, self medicating thru anything i could get my hands on.
I dont remember what i did the days prior but i remember i was drinking a lot. For some reason i was drinking wine that day. I had spent all day laying in bed drinking slowly while watching live performances of artists i like. Some co workers called me to ask and hangout, i simply said no. In the middle of this LDAR session i started crying.
Sometimes my depression was so bad that i would just start crying for no reason, or at least no apparent reason i was just depressed on a deeper level.
In the middle of crying i thought to get something, i was thinking maybe shrooms to mix with some vodka or MDMA and watch SFM PMVs for the night. Then i thought to myself: “Does my plug have any coke?” I had never thought to ask so i texted em: “Do you have any powder?” “Yes”
About 40 minutes later i was back in my room with half a gram of coke to experiment with.
First thing i noticed is coke isn’t really a powder, it has a more flaky almost paste like texture/structure to it. I grabbed my debit card and started cutting up the paste/flakes into smaller, much smaller pieces. Only then did it come close to a powder.
I didnt have any cash, so i just grabbed a straw from a cup i had laying around (my room was a total mess) cut it, and then got to inhaling. I read somewhere online that if you inhale too hard the thing is just gonna go past your blood vessels and be less effective, so i inhaled like i normally would but thru the straw. It hit my inner nostrils and i remember the feeling very vividly. It smelled like minty chemicals? Something along those lines. Not unpleasant at least to me, and actually felt kind of good going in.
Immediately after inhaling i looked up to the sky and hit the side of my nose with my index a couple of times while inhaling slowly so as to make sure it all went in, and nothing stayed stuck in the hairs in my nose n shit. Shortly after that within the next 5-15 seconds it hit me. I felt amazing, it was like drinking a monster x10000 but instead of shitty caffeine jitters it was pure energy, confidence, and motivation to conquer the world. I immediately started cleaning my room while listeting to “pretty cvnt” by sewerslvt.
I picked up my room and did another line, i was loving it. Even to this day even though im past that era i still miss it sometimes. Addicts arent stupid theyre just ill, and mentally in pain. substances often offer a quick relief from the pain but that quick relief turns into more pain long term. Sobriety is learning how to live with the pain, and/or finding its root cause (if any).
Anyways, right after cleaning my room i turned on my xbox but as i was getting ready to play apex legends i thought to masturbate real quick, to see what it was like on coke. I would always masturbate or at least attempt to on every single drug i ever tried. This was no exception. I put on one of my favorite porn videos ever. Jada Steven’s “What does the CDC recommend for all this ass?” By the studio Jules Jordan.
Im not gonna go into great detail, but all im going to say is i ended up masturbating for the next 8-10 hours if i remember correctly. Only stopping to drink water/alcohol and take a piss break.
Korn’s bassist Brian Welch describes in an interview how he used to smoke meth and do the same thing, just get geeked asf and consume porn, loads of it. I identify. It’s hypnotic, nothing else matters at that point, just pure tunnel vision into the pornography. Next scene, next pornstar, next category, next screen. Endless stream of porn. And masturbation. When i finally came, it was one of the most explosive most pleasurable orgasms ive ever had. I didnt even wanna clean up, i just wanted to
pass out right then and there. But i mustered the energy to clean up, while feeling like a depraved porn goblin. Thinking to myself “im a total piece of shit”
“I hope i die soon”
The next morning, after staying up all night masturbating i had to go pick some mail up so i drove there and almost crashed. I felt awful. To say the least.
The comedown/aftermath was terrible. I didnt feel like a person, i just felt like an empty shell of a human being. Nothing but a mere husk of sentient flesh. “Flesh automaton” like cruelty squad talks about lol. Some real crazy shit is something that has happened on other occasions as well. For example when was geeked asf on adderall. Which is that when i was on my bed trying to rest/sleep (while feeling my heart go 10000mph almost bursting out of my chest) i remember closing my eyes, and seeing porn images on the inside of my eyelids. Almost like i had watched so much porn that my brain had some sort of imprint on it. Almost like how on some monitors when the screen stays the same for a while and you turn it off the image id burned on the screen and you can still see it? Exactly like that but on my brain, and with porn.
If i remember correctly since i couldn’t sleep i just had some milk andmuscle relaxers. And eventually fell asleep.
thats it
The first time i ever did cocaine.
At this point i was living by myself already, and i was extremely extremely depressed. I hadn’t started getting seen at theclinic for mental health reasons or anything. I was rawdogging life, self medicating thru anything i could get my hands on.
I dont remember what i did the days prior but i remember i was drinking a lot. For some reason i was drinking wine that day. I had spent all day laying in bed drinking slowly while watching live performances of artists i like. Some co workers called me to ask and hangout, i simply said no. In the middle of this LDAR session i started crying.
Sometimes my depression was so bad that i would just start crying for no reason, or at least no apparent reason i was just depressed on a deeper level.
In the middle of crying i thought to get something, i was thinking maybe shrooms to mix with some vodka or MDMA and watch SFM PMVs for the night. Then i thought to myself: “Does my plug have any coke?” I had never thought to ask so i texted em: “Do you have any powder?” “Yes”
About 40 minutes later i was back in my room with half a gram of coke to experiment with.
First thing i noticed is coke isn’t really a powder, it has a more flaky almost paste like texture/structure to it. I grabbed my debit card and started cutting up the paste/flakes into smaller, much smaller pieces. Only then did it come close to a powder.
I didnt have any cash, so i just grabbed a straw from a cup i had laying around (my room was a total mess) cut it, and then got to inhaling. I read somewhere online that if you inhale too hard the thing is just gonna go past your blood vessels and be less effective, so i inhaled like i normally would but thru the straw. It hit my inner nostrils and i remember the feeling very vividly. It smelled like minty chemicals? Something along those lines. Not unpleasant at least to me, and actually felt kind of good going in.
Immediately after inhaling i looked up to the sky and hit the side of my nose with my index a couple of times while inhaling slowly so as to make sure it all went in, and nothing stayed stuck in the hairs in my nose n shit. Shortly after that within the next 5-15 seconds it hit me. I felt amazing, it was like drinking a monster x10000 but instead of shitty caffeine jitters it was pure energy, confidence, and motivation to conquer the world. I immediately started cleaning my room while listeting to “pretty cvnt” by sewerslvt.
I picked up my room and did another line, i was loving it. Even to this day even though im past that era i still miss it sometimes. Addicts arent stupid theyre just ill, and mentally in pain. substances often offer a quick relief from the pain but that quick relief turns into more pain long term. Sobriety is learning how to live with the pain, and/or finding its root cause (if any).
Anyways, right after cleaning my room i turned on my xbox but as i was getting ready to play apex legends i thought to masturbate real quick, to see what it was like on coke. I would always masturbate or at least attempt to on every single drug i ever tried. This was no exception. I put on one of my favorite porn videos ever. Jada Steven’s “What does the CDC recommend for all this ass?” By the studio Jules Jordan.
Im not gonna go into great detail, but all im going to say is i ended up masturbating for the next 8-10 hours if i remember correctly. Only stopping to drink water/alcohol and take a piss break.
Korn’s bassist Brian Welch describes in an interview how he used to smoke meth and do the same thing, just get geeked asf and consume porn, loads of it. I identify. It’s hypnotic, nothing else matters at that point, just pure tunnel vision into the pornography. Next scene, next pornstar, next category, next screen. Endless stream of porn. And masturbation. When i finally came, it was one of the most explosive most pleasurable orgasms ive ever had. I didnt even wanna clean up, i just wanted to
pass out right then and there. But i mustered the energy to clean up, while feeling like a depraved porn goblin. Thinking to myself “im a total piece of shit”
“I hope i die soon”
The next morning, after staying up all night masturbating i had to go pick some mail up so i drove there and almost crashed. I felt awful. To say the least.
The comedown/aftermath was terrible. I didnt feel like a person, i just felt like an empty shell of a human being. Nothing but a mere husk of sentient flesh. “Flesh automaton” like cruelty squad talks about lol. Some real crazy shit is something that has happened on other occasions as well. For example when was geeked asf on adderall. Which is that when i was on my bed trying to rest/sleep (while feeling my heart go 10000mph almost bursting out of my chest) i remember closing my eyes, and seeing porn images on the inside of my eyelids. Almost like i had watched so much porn that my brain had some sort of imprint on it. Almost like how on some monitors when the screen stays the same for a while and you turn it off the image id burned on the screen and you can still see it? Exactly like that but on my brain, and with porn.
If i remember correctly since i couldn’t sleep i just had some milk andmuscle relaxers. And eventually fell asleep.
thats it
