Recently, I have become destroyed to an extent I previously thought impossible. I do not know how I am to going to recover, because the destruction is so complete. It all started at the beginning of this year, in January, with a family outing to a local burger joint. While there, we all noticed a hostess running the front counter. She was one of the cutest girls I have ever seen. She looked Asian (at least partly, maybe a 1/4-white hapa or something) and she had both a lovely face and body, slightly chubby but in a way that undeniably worked. Even my parents had to comment on her beauty.
Since that day, I have been wondering who that person is. Now I enjoy using the Internet to stalk people, and I've pulled off some interesting achievements in the past. But this became my white whale for the whole year. I would daydream about her, try to look up things online about the restaurant, fail to find anything, and go back to what I was doing. But a couple nights ago, I finally broke through. I used LinkedIn to filter by places of past employment, and eventually I found her (I had tried things like this before, but it never succeeded until now). From there, I quickly found a TikTok and other info. It was invigorating. I had finally unmasked this angel, and she was just as beautiful as I remembered that night. I went to sleep with faint sense hope… a very misguided hope.
The next day, I started perusing the TikTok again, and I discovered something horrible I had somehow overlooked—she had a boyfriend. And of course it's that kind of boyfriend all your Asian crushes have: some dopey-looking white guy with messy brown hair and the most punchable face you've ever seen. In seconds, the entire arc of nearly a year was over. But it got worse. Like watching a horror movie, I was transfixed, terrified but unable to turn away. This was not an ordinary couple. These people had the idyllic HS love story, a fully-fledged romance by the time of their HS graduation, which happened this year. I could not believe the things I was seeing. They physically hurt me. I can't fully convey how sickened I was without showing actual pictures, but I do not want to do that for security reasons.
Among the highlights were a beach sunset together, with the girl wearing an oversized hoodie, a representation of people who have already WON AT LIFE before they even began college. In another clip, the girl was wearing sweats and a bikini top, and the guy had his head pressed against her stomach. These are pure suifuel, but I tagged this post BRUTAL because I have no reference point for something like this. Previously, I have been struggling with the "kissing my girl bestfriend" viral clip, but I think if we're being honest, this blows that completely out of the water. Why? Well for one thing, those people were in college, while these were in HIGH SCHOOL, living out paradigmatic teen love with total absolution from all loneliness. Moreover, this is something that HITS ME PERSONALLY, unlike those random people in Florida.
I apologize for the length of this rant. I have a sick headache and I feel like I am spinning in my bed. These last couple of days have felt to me like being suffocated. I keep looking at the TikTok and other stuff, and I cannot cope with it. I am not seeing the light from anywhere. I'm not sure there is really any coming back from such a hyper-specific strike as this. I have to meet my cousins tomorrow and I will have to fake everything. I cannot take this. To the ITs who may mock this, fuck you, and get a better life than kicking people who are borderline suicidal.
Since that day, I have been wondering who that person is. Now I enjoy using the Internet to stalk people, and I've pulled off some interesting achievements in the past. But this became my white whale for the whole year. I would daydream about her, try to look up things online about the restaurant, fail to find anything, and go back to what I was doing. But a couple nights ago, I finally broke through. I used LinkedIn to filter by places of past employment, and eventually I found her (I had tried things like this before, but it never succeeded until now). From there, I quickly found a TikTok and other info. It was invigorating. I had finally unmasked this angel, and she was just as beautiful as I remembered that night. I went to sleep with faint sense hope… a very misguided hope.
The next day, I started perusing the TikTok again, and I discovered something horrible I had somehow overlooked—she had a boyfriend. And of course it's that kind of boyfriend all your Asian crushes have: some dopey-looking white guy with messy brown hair and the most punchable face you've ever seen. In seconds, the entire arc of nearly a year was over. But it got worse. Like watching a horror movie, I was transfixed, terrified but unable to turn away. This was not an ordinary couple. These people had the idyllic HS love story, a fully-fledged romance by the time of their HS graduation, which happened this year. I could not believe the things I was seeing. They physically hurt me. I can't fully convey how sickened I was without showing actual pictures, but I do not want to do that for security reasons.
Among the highlights were a beach sunset together, with the girl wearing an oversized hoodie, a representation of people who have already WON AT LIFE before they even began college. In another clip, the girl was wearing sweats and a bikini top, and the guy had his head pressed against her stomach. These are pure suifuel, but I tagged this post BRUTAL because I have no reference point for something like this. Previously, I have been struggling with the "kissing my girl bestfriend" viral clip, but I think if we're being honest, this blows that completely out of the water. Why? Well for one thing, those people were in college, while these were in HIGH SCHOOL, living out paradigmatic teen love with total absolution from all loneliness. Moreover, this is something that HITS ME PERSONALLY, unlike those random people in Florida.
I apologize for the length of this rant. I have a sick headache and I feel like I am spinning in my bed. These last couple of days have felt to me like being suffocated. I keep looking at the TikTok and other stuff, and I cannot cope with it. I am not seeing the light from anywhere. I'm not sure there is really any coming back from such a hyper-specific strike as this. I have to meet my cousins tomorrow and I will have to fake everything. I cannot take this. To the ITs who may mock this, fuck you, and get a better life than kicking people who are borderline suicidal.
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