
souralenadidrelax
Greycel
★
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2023
- Posts
- 64
Went to the club. Wasn't doing anything wrong, was just trying to enjoy myself. My autism, which may or may not exist, was making that unusually difficult for me. I drank to feel better (liquid courage as it's called). Of course, I'm hopeful to get some action that night. I saw two girls from an acting class I used to do back in the day in a hopeless attempt to boost my confidence and make friends. Also I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. For context, these two girls bullied me there for my shitty acting. When I saw them in the club it had been 3+ years afterwards. They look at me, look at each other, and burst out laughing. I stare at them, as if to say "what's so funny!?", they don't give a fuck and walk on. This is how, at the time, I thought most girls might've thought of me as (a joke). Unfortunately, thus event confirmed my gut feeling as solid truth. This is how these specified girls are. They feel honored to be in on the joke, and whilst the other girls (rest of society, more or less) try honorably hard to not expose their honest thoughts on me to me (some are kind lol), these ones couldn't pretend anymore. As I was on a run one day, I saw another girl from my old acting class (she hated me then, bullied me a little too, and, I know, what a coincidence) and she gave me a sorry look as if she knew about my situation and empathized (they probably all talked to each other between this event and the previous one described, and may have expressed some regret to her about it, but this could be a delusion). I am trying to rid myself of my old reputation, which makes me unfuckable, but as long as I keep the same name, which I will, I am sure it will never really go. I feel doomed. I think, if I learn how to program, work-out, start taking drugs (to boost my confidence and stuff), go to more clubs and become more ballsy, and stay focused on my work it will get better. But I feel like this is hopeful thinking, as it has never worked for me before. Is it really as bad as I think it is?
(First post so don't really know if I've followed all of the rules or not, so sorry if not).
(First post so don't really know if I've followed all of the rules or not, so sorry if not).
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