I will never be able to address the root cause of my drinking, because the root cause is that I'm ugly autistic and socially isolated and excluded

[trrrrrsarescary]

Its quicky becoming common knowledge in addiction recovery circles that quitting alcohol or drugs or whatever actually wont make you better off if you don't address the root cause of why you abuse these substances in the first place, and in my case I just don't see how I could possibly address the root cause because there's literally nothing I can actually do about it, I'm ugly, noticeably autistic and I have noticeable tourettes too which makes me uncontrollably twitch and pull weird faces and jerk my head and shit, all these things combined cause me to be very fucking strange presence in any public or social setting, and worst of all I can't change these things, I can't change my bizarre facial features and asymmetry, I can't just stop being autistic, I can't just not have tourettes

Every single time I go outside feels like a humiliation ritual, people constantly stare at me weirdly in public, I really don't know exactly what it is that throws people off so much, but there really is just something in me which really freaks a lot of people out, and every time I leave the door I have to deal with witnessing peoples reactions to my appearance, I'm hyper perceptive to it, I just notice every weird stare from someone that they don't do to anyone else, I notice the look of bewildered fear on childrens faces when they see me, I notice the subtle ways in which people ignore and pity me and generally treat me as lesser than anyone else in the gathering

And the thing is, all of this is happening to me because of fucking features which I CAN NOT CHANGE, I've been told by my immediate family that I'm chill and interesting but no one outside my immediately family will ever get to see that side to me because my superficial appearance just makes them instantly discriminate me and want nothing to do with me

So how the fuck am I meant to address this? I can't, it's not something I can just "accept", as accepting that just feels submissive and pathetic to me, so I've developed a pretty nasty drinking problem over the years and now I drink every evening, and I have little hope of ever being able to do life completely sober because when I try to im just constantly ruminating and feeling like shit spiralling over people's disgusting treatment of me because of how I look, it just simply hurts too much and my current sanity absolutely 100% depends on knowing I have a substance that reliably numbs or at least distracts me from this mental agony of being a socially isolated lonely autist

 

[Animecel2D]

Sometimes the bottle is the only company you have

 

[trrrrrsarescary]

Sometimes the bottle is the only company you have

It's starting to fuck my health up though, I'm noticing that I get very easily out of breath just going out to the store on my bike which is weird because I go gym and exercise most days, and and I'm pretty sure I'm noticing early signs of pancreatitis too, it's fucking crazy how normies and society at large have turned me into an alcoholic drifter who will end up with health problems soon, it's like lowkey murder on their part, they're the ones that caused me to hate myself so much that I do this to my own body

 

[Hopeless Hermit]

a lot of the times it's boredom. whenever i try to stop drinking the nights are so long and dreadful. i drink just to enjoy games etc

 

[GreerTech Creations]

Its quicky becoming common knowledge in addiction recovery circles that quitting alcohol or drugs or whatever actually wont make you better off if you don't address the root cause of why you abuse these substances in the first place, and in my case I just don't see how I could possibly address the root cause because there's literally nothing I can actually do about it, I'm ugly, noticeably autistic and I have noticeable tourettes too which makes me uncontrollably twitch and pull weird faces and jerk my head and shit, all these things combined cause me to be very fucking strange presence in any public or social setting, and worst of all I can't change these things, I can't change my bizarre facial features and asymmetry, I can't just stop being autistic, I can't just not have tourettes

Every single time I go outside feels like a humiliation ritual, people constantly stare at me weirdly in public, I really don't know exactly what it is that throws people off so much, but there really is just something in me which really freaks a lot of people out, and every time I leave the door I have to deal with witnessing peoples reactions to my appearance, I'm hyper perceptive to it, I just notice every weird stare from someone that they don't do to anyone else, I notice the look of bewildered fear on childrens faces when they see me, I notice the subtle ways in which people ignore and pity me and generally treat me as lesser than anyone else in the gathering

And the thing is, all of this is happening to me because of fucking features which I CAN NOT CHANGE, I've been told by my immediate family that I'm chill and interesting but no one outside my immediately family will ever get to see that side to me because my superficial appearance just makes them instantly discriminate me and want nothing to do with me

So how the fuck am I meant to address this? I can't, it's not something I can just "accept", as accepting that just feels submissive and pathetic to me, so I've developed a pretty nasty drinking problem over the years and now I drink every evening, and I have little hope of ever being able to do life completely sober because when I try to im just constantly ruminating and feeling like shit spiralling over people's disgusting treatment of me because of how I look, it just simply hurts too much and my current sanity absolutely 100% depends on knowing I have a substance that reliably numbs or at least distracts me from this mental agony of being a socially isolated lonely autist

Sometimes the bottle is the only company you have

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