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THE PEAK OF MY LIFE WAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND HOW IT CAME TO AN END
When i was under 5th grade, I lived the normal NT life. I was a normal looking kid. i wasn't ugly. i made tons of friends and had an awesome social life. i wasn't even ugly. i had a normal face and didn't look ethnic as shit. my older chaddam brother was 16/17 at the time and had tons of friends come over every week (15 people each week at the house) and i was some young child hanging out with all of them in the basement as they all hung out. i even went to a high school rager my sister threw during her sweet sixteen when i was in 4th grade. i lived more of the high school experience in elementary school than in high school JFL. i peaked in elementary school.
in 5th grade, i experienced omens of my current life, i hit puberty and became hairy and got teased by younger kids for it. i got into arguments with some kid who i initially was friends with and we became enemies, a few months later after no longer even speaking to each other, we made up but suddenly he was bullying me behind my back and he became a narcissist chadriguez and i saw myself get teased by other classmates. i felt like an outcast and i experienced premature teen angst. still way better than my current life. my life still was kinda cool to an extent. 6th grade was pretty kickass though.
but high school? that was a much bigger precursor of my current life. 90% of the people i talked to were just acquintances in retrospect. we talked A LOT at school but i never joined their peer group and we didn't develop a close connection even if we laughed and made jokes and did chit chat. we didn't hang out after school. in fact, in 9th and 10th grade i didn't really have friends just acquintances who i misperceived as friends. i was too nervous to ask to hang out after school because i had trust issues because of that backstabber from 5th grade and i kinda wondered if they weren't interested in hanging out after school. the idea of hanging out after school didn't enter my head for people because i thought talking at school was sufficient for a friendship. later on i realized how important it is to develop closer connections and hang out after school. i hung out with people after school in elementary school a lot though.
i made a few actual friends in 11th/12th grade but they didn't know my other few friends so we weren't a peer group. after high school, i went a community college for 4 years and didn't make any new friends and everyone i knew went far away to university and i never saw them again, and only 1 of them i still am close with. i took a gap year from college under quarantine and then transferred to uni and still struggled making friends. i made only one close friend there but unless they were available i spent many weekends alone. i only could make brief acquintances there. at least my acquintances in HS lasted up until graduation.
THE MAIN POINT
In 12th grade, I was going through some interesting phase. I was a pop punk freak and listened to blink-182 and sum 41 all the time. i even gelled my hair up and tried to mask my autism, because i was able to keep it under control more (i still struggle with it though but i can mask but it's not completely helpful). i wanted to make 12th grade a special year of interesting experiences. I did a lot of adventurous things with my life at the time and i went to school dances and joined some extracurricular activities. i was a happy guy at the time and had a happy personality. i made a lot of new acquintances too.
But sadly, at my high school, most people took several AP classes each semester, and i was segregated from most of my schoolmates because i had a learning disability and took some small classes for autists like me but i took many mainstream classes and even though had some of the general student population in some of my mainstream classes, even my mainstream classes i didn't have them, so i was segregated from 75% of the school and some of my mainstream classes had the same classmates from my small classes comprise 50% of the mainstream classroom. this caused problems for me and them too because we all were segregated.
in my HS, 9th and 10th graders sat in the hallway during lunch, the 11th graders did cafeteria but seniors went drove out to malls for lunch. i didn't have my license until age 23 and a half, so i couldn't drive over there and see all them. in 11th grade, many juniors rode the bus but that changed in 12th grade when all of them drove. my mom just drove me to and from school in 12th grade unlike 9th to 11th grade.
As a result, i was segregated from most of my grade's students. All of the ones who were part of the 75% general student population i had classes with only a couple of them through 12th grade, so anyone like me was segregated from them. I couldn't see them at lunch or bus or anything. I only saw them in the halls walking by but that was it. Before 12th grade, i saw them at lunch or the bus and had more classes with them. in 12th grade, i talked to mostly juniors (and a couple sophomores). I had a few friends in 12th grade (maybe 3 or perhaps 4 actual friends but they didn't really know each other). maybe one other was almost a casual friend, but everyone else was an acquintances. only 20% of seniors i ever talked much to in 12th grade. The rest i never saw except maybe a football game or other sporting event or a school dance or something, only once in a blue moon.
THE PROBLEM
I was happy at 18 in 12th grade. i was going great with how i felt at the time. that's why i feel so nostalgic. but once community college began my life went downhill. i dealt with severe OCD for 4.5 years of young adutlhood and it interfered with my life so much i did NOTHING with my life other than deal with insane mental illness. now i'm trying to rebuild my life and fix it but i struggle to do so, i cannot find a date to save my life, at uni, i could barely meet any women and i put myself out there but i rarely had opportunities except once a semester, and i put myself out there but i only encounter guys if anything (and i usually don't encounter people because i put myself out there and there's nobody right in front of me where i go or i don't see the same people each time at club meetings).
but in 12th grade, i was already experiencing precursors of this and i didn't know it. i noticed i was segregated from my grade's students but i didn't get bothered because i didn't realize how consequential it was that i could only talk to like 20% of the people i didn't have classes with. i didn't realize at the time how important having an ACTUAL peer group was (not a couple actual friends who don't know each other well while everyone else you talk to a lot is a mere acquaintance). i didn't realize how if you mostly just have acquintances and no REAL peer group (where all your friends and you hang out), you will lack a social circle after school or college and be isolated (its hard to meet people after school/college). i didn't realize at the time that i didn't talk to many girls, i had made female friends a couple times growing up, including in high school, one of them was a year above and left for college so i never saw her again and the other she and i still talked a little but not as often in 12th compared to 11th grade and i haven't seen her in so long. i had a couple female acquintances in 12th grade and a couple of them i saw every now and then rather than often, but i didn't talk to as many girls compared to grades 9 to 11 where i did have a lot of female and male acquintances. in 12th grade, i spoke to less girls due to further segregation from the 75% of students in my grade.
then after HS i was SUPER isolated. i didn't realize how much things i missed out on in HS until later on. 9th and 10th grade were so-so for me, because i had some problems to deal with, but defintiely some good memories. 11th grade i enjoyed and i enjoyed 12th grade A LOT. but i was BLISSFULLY IGNORANT.
now that im no longer blissfully ignorant, if i relived 12th grade, despite some adventurous shit i did at the time, i'd honestly hate it, maybe it'd be almost ok because it's the last time of life when being a KHHV is almost normal and because if you miss out in HS you can make up for it in college but if you miss out on young adulthood too then youre fucked and i'm missing out MORE on young adulthood then i missed out on in HS.
i experienced a good amount of the HS experience but not that much ,but i missed out too much in college and young adulthood and im pissed off. if i relieved HS i'd prolly enjoy it less than i actually did but i guess i could relive 9th to 11th grade again because i was less segregated and i prolly could my lowerclassmen year problems better now that i know what to do about it if i were to deal with it again. but if i was back in HS, i might enjoy it less than i did but i'd be happier than i am remaining in my current life
so yea i'd relive high school just to escpae my current life, even if it means reliving all of it. it'd be awesome to relive it temporarily rather than entirely or to relive certain events but reliving all of it is only useful to escape my current life
however it'd be cool to relive all of middle school or elemetnary school ESPECIALLY elementary school.
i was experiencing so many omens of my current life in 12th grade and i was happy but blissfully ignorant.
but my first omen was 5th grade which i noticed the omens in 5th grade.
When i was under 5th grade, I lived the normal NT life. I was a normal looking kid. i wasn't ugly. i made tons of friends and had an awesome social life. i wasn't even ugly. i had a normal face and didn't look ethnic as shit. my older chaddam brother was 16/17 at the time and had tons of friends come over every week (15 people each week at the house) and i was some young child hanging out with all of them in the basement as they all hung out. i even went to a high school rager my sister threw during her sweet sixteen when i was in 4th grade. i lived more of the high school experience in elementary school than in high school JFL. i peaked in elementary school.
in 5th grade, i experienced omens of my current life, i hit puberty and became hairy and got teased by younger kids for it. i got into arguments with some kid who i initially was friends with and we became enemies, a few months later after no longer even speaking to each other, we made up but suddenly he was bullying me behind my back and he became a narcissist chadriguez and i saw myself get teased by other classmates. i felt like an outcast and i experienced premature teen angst. still way better than my current life. my life still was kinda cool to an extent. 6th grade was pretty kickass though.
but high school? that was a much bigger precursor of my current life. 90% of the people i talked to were just acquintances in retrospect. we talked A LOT at school but i never joined their peer group and we didn't develop a close connection even if we laughed and made jokes and did chit chat. we didn't hang out after school. in fact, in 9th and 10th grade i didn't really have friends just acquintances who i misperceived as friends. i was too nervous to ask to hang out after school because i had trust issues because of that backstabber from 5th grade and i kinda wondered if they weren't interested in hanging out after school. the idea of hanging out after school didn't enter my head for people because i thought talking at school was sufficient for a friendship. later on i realized how important it is to develop closer connections and hang out after school. i hung out with people after school in elementary school a lot though.
i made a few actual friends in 11th/12th grade but they didn't know my other few friends so we weren't a peer group. after high school, i went a community college for 4 years and didn't make any new friends and everyone i knew went far away to university and i never saw them again, and only 1 of them i still am close with. i took a gap year from college under quarantine and then transferred to uni and still struggled making friends. i made only one close friend there but unless they were available i spent many weekends alone. i only could make brief acquintances there. at least my acquintances in HS lasted up until graduation.
THE MAIN POINT
In 12th grade, I was going through some interesting phase. I was a pop punk freak and listened to blink-182 and sum 41 all the time. i even gelled my hair up and tried to mask my autism, because i was able to keep it under control more (i still struggle with it though but i can mask but it's not completely helpful). i wanted to make 12th grade a special year of interesting experiences. I did a lot of adventurous things with my life at the time and i went to school dances and joined some extracurricular activities. i was a happy guy at the time and had a happy personality. i made a lot of new acquintances too.
But sadly, at my high school, most people took several AP classes each semester, and i was segregated from most of my schoolmates because i had a learning disability and took some small classes for autists like me but i took many mainstream classes and even though had some of the general student population in some of my mainstream classes, even my mainstream classes i didn't have them, so i was segregated from 75% of the school and some of my mainstream classes had the same classmates from my small classes comprise 50% of the mainstream classroom. this caused problems for me and them too because we all were segregated.
in my HS, 9th and 10th graders sat in the hallway during lunch, the 11th graders did cafeteria but seniors went drove out to malls for lunch. i didn't have my license until age 23 and a half, so i couldn't drive over there and see all them. in 11th grade, many juniors rode the bus but that changed in 12th grade when all of them drove. my mom just drove me to and from school in 12th grade unlike 9th to 11th grade.
As a result, i was segregated from most of my grade's students. All of the ones who were part of the 75% general student population i had classes with only a couple of them through 12th grade, so anyone like me was segregated from them. I couldn't see them at lunch or bus or anything. I only saw them in the halls walking by but that was it. Before 12th grade, i saw them at lunch or the bus and had more classes with them. in 12th grade, i talked to mostly juniors (and a couple sophomores). I had a few friends in 12th grade (maybe 3 or perhaps 4 actual friends but they didn't really know each other). maybe one other was almost a casual friend, but everyone else was an acquintances. only 20% of seniors i ever talked much to in 12th grade. The rest i never saw except maybe a football game or other sporting event or a school dance or something, only once in a blue moon.
THE PROBLEM
I was happy at 18 in 12th grade. i was going great with how i felt at the time. that's why i feel so nostalgic. but once community college began my life went downhill. i dealt with severe OCD for 4.5 years of young adutlhood and it interfered with my life so much i did NOTHING with my life other than deal with insane mental illness. now i'm trying to rebuild my life and fix it but i struggle to do so, i cannot find a date to save my life, at uni, i could barely meet any women and i put myself out there but i rarely had opportunities except once a semester, and i put myself out there but i only encounter guys if anything (and i usually don't encounter people because i put myself out there and there's nobody right in front of me where i go or i don't see the same people each time at club meetings).
but in 12th grade, i was already experiencing precursors of this and i didn't know it. i noticed i was segregated from my grade's students but i didn't get bothered because i didn't realize how consequential it was that i could only talk to like 20% of the people i didn't have classes with. i didn't realize at the time how important having an ACTUAL peer group was (not a couple actual friends who don't know each other well while everyone else you talk to a lot is a mere acquaintance). i didn't realize how if you mostly just have acquintances and no REAL peer group (where all your friends and you hang out), you will lack a social circle after school or college and be isolated (its hard to meet people after school/college). i didn't realize at the time that i didn't talk to many girls, i had made female friends a couple times growing up, including in high school, one of them was a year above and left for college so i never saw her again and the other she and i still talked a little but not as often in 12th compared to 11th grade and i haven't seen her in so long. i had a couple female acquintances in 12th grade and a couple of them i saw every now and then rather than often, but i didn't talk to as many girls compared to grades 9 to 11 where i did have a lot of female and male acquintances. in 12th grade, i spoke to less girls due to further segregation from the 75% of students in my grade.
then after HS i was SUPER isolated. i didn't realize how much things i missed out on in HS until later on. 9th and 10th grade were so-so for me, because i had some problems to deal with, but defintiely some good memories. 11th grade i enjoyed and i enjoyed 12th grade A LOT. but i was BLISSFULLY IGNORANT.
now that im no longer blissfully ignorant, if i relived 12th grade, despite some adventurous shit i did at the time, i'd honestly hate it, maybe it'd be almost ok because it's the last time of life when being a KHHV is almost normal and because if you miss out in HS you can make up for it in college but if you miss out on young adulthood too then youre fucked and i'm missing out MORE on young adulthood then i missed out on in HS.
i experienced a good amount of the HS experience but not that much ,but i missed out too much in college and young adulthood and im pissed off. if i relieved HS i'd prolly enjoy it less than i actually did but i guess i could relive 9th to 11th grade again because i was less segregated and i prolly could my lowerclassmen year problems better now that i know what to do about it if i were to deal with it again. but if i was back in HS, i might enjoy it less than i did but i'd be happier than i am remaining in my current life
so yea i'd relive high school just to escpae my current life, even if it means reliving all of it. it'd be awesome to relive it temporarily rather than entirely or to relive certain events but reliving all of it is only useful to escape my current life
however it'd be cool to relive all of middle school or elemetnary school ESPECIALLY elementary school.
i was experiencing so many omens of my current life in 12th grade and i was happy but blissfully ignorant.
but my first omen was 5th grade which i noticed the omens in 5th grade.
