Whenever I finish masturbating, I always feel a sense of disgust, but also this strong desire for transcendence. The illusion, which is vain desire, is clear in that moment. Arthur Schopehaurer correctly identified the trivial nature of human desire and the human condition at large. The human condition is nothing but torture; there is no happiness in this world. If I were to create a being to maximise torture, it would end up being not dissimilar to human beings. Endless desire that could never be fulfilled, longing for impossibilities, genetically determined, lacking free will, having awareness of future suffering which cannot be prevented, being mortality and aging salient, living in a nihilistic world where meaning is erased by entropy, the list goes on and on. Human suffering is far greater than you realize; most are too dumb or cowardly to see it. Others cannot fathom things that they haven't personally experienced yet. I decided to face my fears head-on, and instead of deliverance, I've become increasingly disturbed. Every day I wake up, life doesn't come naturally to me anymore; I feel almost burdened by being awake. It takes a long time for me to become acclimated to being awake again. I feel so sluggish all the time; it's a mental weight. It's all so absurd, but not in an absurdist way; it's just disturbing to think about it all. I can't really ever be at peace unless I'm asleep, even if I was a good lifer, the naw of the abyss would still eat at me. It's just this existence itself that's problematic, not what material conditions I have presently. In the end, I wish I could be free, forge my own destiny away from all this, and be able to be truly at peace somewhere else. I know exactly what that would look like, but no amount of imaging can bring it to be.
