I think that I'm more autistic than I thought

[Deleted member 7448]

Here's the thing: I've always been weird. But I've also been quiet, so the manifestation of my autism was dampened somewhat.

But I remember a few things from my childhood now and then that confirm that I'm indeed autistic. Like, you know how in elementary school they make you put on plays and shit? Well, even when I was a kid, my social anxiety or something was so big that I would tell my parents not to come cause I was embarrassed. Everybody's parents came, my parents wanted to come, I didn't want them to come.

And there's many many cases that I simply repressed. I remember that I was always a quiet kid and never had any friends, but when a friend of my parents' came over (which was rare) and brought their kid, I would sperg out after warming up and getting over the initial quiet period and start acting all weird and being a general spaz.

My point is, as a kid these autistic tendencies were more obvious, but as I grew up I obviously learned to keep my mouth shut and stop these manifestations. But every now and then I do something stupid and I'm embarrassed all over again. This is probably why when I go outside I look behind my back every minute and I look around, scared of possibly seeing somebody that would recognize me. I just have too many embarrassing moments in my past.

 

[TheGambler2]

I've had this question too.Lately I've been trying to NTmaxx and talk to people more,be social.Although in my mind I think I acted pretty normal,the end result is still same-I barely have friends and I'm rotting at home,nobody is inviting me anywhere.Now I'm thinking-maybe I act very different to what I thought?Maybe others are seeing completely different view and are just tolerating me to my face but then laughing and talking shit about me behind my back..

 

[LordDylan]

I try learning from my mistakes.

 

[JustinSane]

I've become very self-conscious of my non-NT tendencies/behavior when I'm in public. When I was younger, I was naive of my surroundings.

If I'm walking in a public place where there is a mass amount of people standing around, I get triggered and feel the need to spaz out out of rage beacuse I know that they are looking at me, when I hear someone laughing I assume they are laughing at me. I head to the nearest restroom and punch a stall door or throw a trash can at the wall out of rage and embarrassment.

 

[Deleted member 17599]

I was a total lunatic with no inhib when I was a kid. If I got upset about something, I always raged out publicly, and I was incompatible with other kids. When I was getting older, I got self-control though, and that turned me high inhib.

 

[The Abyss]

High functioning autists learn to surpress weirdness & adopt mannerisms of normies not understanding the purpose of it other than you get less stigma & ridicule obeying the "rules", low functioning do whatever the fuck while living in facilities.

 

[Hate_my_life]

But I remember a few things from my childhood now and then that confirm that I'm indeed autistic. Like, you know how in elementary school they make you put on plays and shit? Well, even when I was a kid, my social anxiety or something was so big that I would tell my parents not to come cause I was embarrassed. Everybody's parents came, my parents wanted to come, I didn't want them to come.

That's not normal? I literally did the same thing.

 

[Hikikomori]

Our parents missed some signs. Our teachers didn't give a shit. Now it's 2019 ... and the social security office will extend both middle fingers and tell you to fuck off, if you file for financial help.

We're really doomed, really really fuckin doomed.

 

[anon]

That's classic asperger's and I'm the exact say way as you. For eastern euros like you and me, getting diagnosed is rare because autism is not really a popular subject here and parents avoid having their kids diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder unless it's severe. In my country you can only have autism if you're an actual autist (severe spazing/sperging out, screaming, retarded behavior etc.)
No one in my country even knows what asperger's is.

It took me a while to figure out I have high functioning autism.

I also keep remembering all the autistic things I did when I was a kid. I was unaware back then, but it's clear to me now. I'm still clearly autistic, but I'm able to control it better now that I'm an adult. Embarrassing moments still happen to me almost every day, but it's bearable.

Nowadays I do mildly autistic things all the time, but it's not as bad as when I was a kid. For example I talk to myself quietly even in public. When walking in public, I often turn around pretending to look at something/someone behind me. I do this to avoid having to look at people in front of me or them seeing my face. I pretend I have powers related to mind-reading (people can hear my music, they can hear what I'm thinking etc.)

I avoid talking as much as possible and when I do talk I often embarrass myself. I tend to mess up the time of day when greeting a neighbor. Like "good evening" instead of "good morning." I can't do presentations or public speaking.
I laugh at unfunny things in class. For example when the lecturer says or does something that I find funny I just laugh even though no one else is laughing or even reacting at all. It's embarrassing every single time, but I can't help myself. I often don't understand simple instructions. Like when the lecturer tells me where to sit when I'm late to an exam. It's very embarrassing.
I say/do stupid shit in general and I'm "weird" overall.

I sperg out sometimes even when just talking to my parents. I think I'm funny and laugh at everything, crack stupid or nonsensical jokes and I simply get annoying in general. Good thing is I eventually snap out of it and realize I'm sperging out.

 

[Gengar]

I try learning from my mistakes.

Tbh, but again who doesn't?

 

[LDARBuddah]

I also feel autistic, never got diagnosed though since i wanted to be a hard nigga when i was younger, down playing the symptoms.
OH well im not full sperg at least since i can hold conversations well enough

 

[Deleted member 7448]

That's classic asperger's and I'm the exact say way as you. For eastern euros like you and me, getting diagnosed is rare because autism is not really a popular subject here and parents avoid having their kids diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder unless it's severe. In my country you can only have autism if you're an actual autist (severe spazing/sperging out, screaming, retarded behavior etc.)
No one in my country even knows what asperger's is.

It took me a while to figure out I have high functioning autism.

I also keep remembering all the autistic things I did when I was a kid. I was unaware back then, but it's clear to me now. I'm still clearly autistic, but I'm able to control it better now that I'm an adult. Embarrassing moments still happen to me almost every day, but it's bearable.

Nowadays I do mildly autistic things all the time, but it's not as bad as when I was a kid. For example I talk to myself quietly even in public. When walking in public, I often turn around pretending to look at something/someone behind me. I do this to avoid having to look at people in front of me or them seeing my face. I pretend I have powers related to mind-reading (people can hear my music, they can hear what I'm thinking etc.)

I avoid talking as much as possible and when I do talk I often embarrass myself. I tend to mess up the time of day when greeting a neighbor. Like "good evening" instead of "good morning." I can't do presentations or public speaking.
I laugh at unfunny things in class. For example when the lecturer says or does something that I find funny I just laugh even though no one else is laughing or even reacting at all. It's embarrassing every single time, but I can't help myself. I often don't understand simple instructions. Like when the lecturer tells me where to sit when I'm late to an exam. It's very embarrassing.
I just say/do stupid shit in general and I'm "weird" overall.

Yeah, in my country it's exactly the same, unless you're a drooling retard screaming at trees nobody is going to think you're autistic cause most of them don't even know what that is.

I don't talk to myself in public, but I'm weird in many other ways. By now I'd like to believe that I have good control over my behavior, and I really do most of the time, but I slip up often and do something that's slightly weird. These weird events add up, and people start looking at me differently.

A big problem though is how I'm very avoidant. I actively avoid people and basically hide in my room as much as possible. Never had friends cause I never wanted to interact with people. The bad part is that looking back I feel sad for being such a friendless loser, but I never actually wanted any.
I always mess up the good morning and good evening things. People keep correcting me, but I just never learn, I always say good day.

 

[anon]

Yeah, in my country it's exactly the same, unless you're a drooling retard screaming at trees nobody is going to think you're autistic cause most of them don't even know what that is.

I don't talk to myself in public, but I'm weird in many other ways. By now I'd like to believe that I have good control over my behavior, and I really do most of the time, but I slip up often and do something that's slightly weird. These weird events add up, and people start looking at me slightly differently.

I always mess up the good morning and good evening things. People keep correcting me, but I just never learn, I always say good day.

I hate greeting people. It's always embarrassing and I'm just tired of it.
Another example is when I'm selling something. When I meet up with the person I keep making stupid mistakes. Good evening instead of good morning, I forget to shake hands and when I hand the product to the person I say "see ya later" in my language before they even hand me the money. That's fucking stupid because I will obviously never meet that person again. After the exchange I'm worried they think I said "see you later" because there's something wrong with the product.
I just blurt out stupid shit like that for no reason and it's out of my control. I also suck at following basic social rules. For example in stores, or when waiting in line in a post office.

These little things add up just like you said. Severe autistic things don't happen to me often because I've gotten good at controlling it, but when I do something severely autistic I want to kill myself when I realize what I've done.

A big problem though is how I'm very avoidant. I actively avoid people and basically hide in my room as much as possible. Never had friends cause I never wanted to interact with people. The bad part is that looking back I feel sad for being such a friendless loser, but I never actually wanted any.

I'm also avoidant just like you. I spend 99% of my time in my room and I feel good in my room. I don't really have a need for friends. If I could just stay in my room forever with internet, a gaming pc, consoles etc. I'd be happy until I die.
I'd kill to be a shut-in NEET and have 500-1000 euros a month for the rest of my life.

 

[jerrycan dan]

That's classic asperger's and I'm the exact say way as you. For eastern euros like you and me, getting diagnosed is rare because autism is not really a popular subject here and parents avoid having their kids diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder unless it's severe. In my country you can only have autism if you're an actual autist (severe spazing/sperging out, screaming, retarded behavior etc.)
No one in my country even knows what asperger's is.

Is there less stigma against its traits when people aren't told to look out for it constantly?

 

[Deleted member 7448]

I hate greeting people. It's always embarrassing and I'm just tired of it.
Another example is when I'm selling something. When I meet up with the person I keep making stupid mistakes. Good evening instead of good morning, I forget to shake hands and when I hand the product to the person I say "see ya later" in my language before they even hand me the money. That's fucking stupid because I will obviously never meet that person again. After the exchange I worry if they think I said "see you later" because there's something wrong with the product.
I just blurt out stupid shit like that for no reason and it's out of my control. I also suck at following basic social rules. For example in stores, or when waiting in line in a post office.

These little things add up just like you said. Severe autistic things don't happen to me often because I've gotten good at controlling it, but when I do something severely autistic I want to kill myself when I realize what I've done.

I'm also avoidant just like you. I spend 99% of my time in my room and I feel good in my room. I don't really have a need for friends. If I could just stay in my room forever with internet, a gaming pc, consoles etc. I'd be happy until I die.
I'd kill to be a shut-in NEET and have 500-1000 euros a month for the rest of my life.

I've done severely autistic things when I was an alcoholic for two years, I've done some ... things. I still shudder when I remember those things. For example, I could hear a word now, and that word reminds me of a bad memory, and I sort of freeze up and cringe and shudder for a few seconds remembering that event. Autism + alcoholism is fucking horrible. I've been sober for a few years now and the memories haunt me.

Ohh, one other thing that I do is I repeat myself. Like, I say good bye and I don't think they heard me, so I could repeat it like 2 more times, slightly louder so I can make sure they heard me.

Is there less stigma against its traits when people aren't told to look out for it constantly?

They just think of you as a weirdo and treat you accordingly. People in these countries are very gossipy, so soon enough everybody looks at you like a weirdo.

 

[anon]

Is there less stigma against its traits when people aren't told to look out for it constantly?

Not really because normies can obviously still tell there's something wrong with you, they just can't really put a label on it. Being autistic is still bad and people will treat you differently for it.
Having autism is every bit as bad in eastern Europe as it is in the rest of the western world.

I could hear a word now, and that word reminds me of a bad memory, and I sort of freeze up and cringe and shudder for a few seconds remembering that event.

A similar thing happens to me and it ruins my day.

Ohh, one other thing that I do is I repeat myself. Like, I say good bye and I don't think they heard me, so I could repeat it like 2 more times, slightly louder so I can make sure they heard me.

I get this every now and then too. There's so many little things I could go on for hours.
I'm just so tired of all of it. Not only am I sub5, I'm also autistic and depressed because I'm sub5 and autistic.
I also have no absolutely no motivation/drive to do anything.

 

[johnnyb]

its called being ugly dude. youre this way because youre ugly, and this is your brains defense to embrassment.

when a friend of my parents' came over (which was rare) and brought their kid, I would sperg out after warming up and getting over the initial quiet period and start acting all weird and being a general spaz.

because you were so excited that you were accepted by a peer you starting acting all funny because you were so needing that. but then when you started acting like that they didnt want you anymore because they saw you were ugly, so that's why you got the feeling that you were being autistic.

youre just fucking gross looking my dude, not fucked in the head.

 

[TheRealChincel]

And now we’re well past the age where this stuff can be remedied both in terms of neuroplasticity and missed experiences.

 

[RopeIsMyLove]

To this day I'm still embarrassed of what I've done in childhood and in adolescence.
I used to ask serious, dumb question when ppl were obviously joking, usually then I would mumble something and then go quiet eventually.
I also used to sutter when i got nervous, but it's fortunately better now. Just to name my few old habits
Though I not as much autistic as I was, I think that this feeling of control is just illusion, as pll can tell that act weird.

That's classic asperger's and I'm the exact say way as you. For eastern euros like you and me, getting diagnosed is rare because autism is not really a popular subject here and parents avoid having their kids diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder unless it's severe. In my country you can only have autism if you're an actual autist (severe spazing/sperging out, screaming, retarded behavior etc.)
No one in my country even knows what asperger's is.

If it not a secret, in what country do you live? I'm curious honestly.

 

[anon]

If it not a secret, in what country do you live? I'm curious honestly.

Croatia.

 

[ihaveno1]

I just have too many embarrassing moments in my past

 

[Deleted member 16455]

I also feel autistic, never got diagnosed though

 

[Michael15651]

I try learning from my mistakes.