The contrast between what I know would be best and what I instinctively want is both bizarre and irreconcilable. I look like an asymmetrical, nutritionally deficient, and perpetually tired goblin. The only reason a woman would ever be willing to be with me is for financial reasons of some kind, and the vast majority of the awful experiences I've had in life can be directly attributed to people responding poorly to my face. When I look in the mirror I don't see myself, and I don't think that I ever have, at least not since puberty. I don't recognize the disproportionate and asymmetrical creature staring back at me.
For the most part I don't blame women for not being attracted to me, as I wouldn't be attracted to me either. The same mechanisms which compel me to like cute 2D girls are precisely what compel other humans to compulsively ostracize me throughout all aspects of my life. I don't even blame my bullies for tormenting me. Sure I might hate them for it, but ultimately their behavior is simply one expression of DNA trying to get rid of some of it's error code. Most of the adversity I've faced in life can be summarized as DNA trying to wipe me out of existence, and prevent me from ever breeding.
I know all of this, and I'm also completely able to recognize that it would not only be best for me to never reproduce, but considering my quality of life I'd be better off ending my life if I can. Yet despite all the bitterness I've built up, and the hopelessness, I still on some level want the things which other people want. I want to experience physical closeness with women and have sex with them. I want to be able to express things and have people take my words seriously even with my face attached to them. I at least used to want to be accepted by other people irl and experience some form of camaraderie. I'm fully aware that this is the only life I have, and due to the aforementioned desires along with my extreme bias in favor of my own continued existence, it's very painful tbh.
Ultimately I feel like a being whose consciousness is forever bound to a malformed and dysfunctional fleshbot. It's being turned on, being told that I'm alive, being shown all of these strange characteristics of this existence, only to realize that the very body I inhabit sabotages every effort that I make within it. People treat me poorly, ostracize me throughout life, and I don't even get to experience most of what makes life supposedly worth living for other people. Idk how to put into words exactly how awful this is, but it feels like I've been created just to be tormented by some deity. The thought of killing myself is pretty tempting, and I think I could do it in some of my worst moments of misery, but I don't want to hurt my parents. And thus I mostly just rot in my room while thinking about a life which I'll never get to live, and pondering how awful human behavior really is.
For the most part I don't blame women for not being attracted to me, as I wouldn't be attracted to me either. The same mechanisms which compel me to like cute 2D girls are precisely what compel other humans to compulsively ostracize me throughout all aspects of my life. I don't even blame my bullies for tormenting me. Sure I might hate them for it, but ultimately their behavior is simply one expression of DNA trying to get rid of some of it's error code. Most of the adversity I've faced in life can be summarized as DNA trying to wipe me out of existence, and prevent me from ever breeding.
I know all of this, and I'm also completely able to recognize that it would not only be best for me to never reproduce, but considering my quality of life I'd be better off ending my life if I can. Yet despite all the bitterness I've built up, and the hopelessness, I still on some level want the things which other people want. I want to experience physical closeness with women and have sex with them. I want to be able to express things and have people take my words seriously even with my face attached to them. I at least used to want to be accepted by other people irl and experience some form of camaraderie. I'm fully aware that this is the only life I have, and due to the aforementioned desires along with my extreme bias in favor of my own continued existence, it's very painful tbh.
Ultimately I feel like a being whose consciousness is forever bound to a malformed and dysfunctional fleshbot. It's being turned on, being told that I'm alive, being shown all of these strange characteristics of this existence, only to realize that the very body I inhabit sabotages every effort that I make within it. People treat me poorly, ostracize me throughout life, and I don't even get to experience most of what makes life supposedly worth living for other people. Idk how to put into words exactly how awful this is, but it feels like I've been created just to be tormented by some deity. The thought of killing myself is pretty tempting, and I think I could do it in some of my worst moments of misery, but I don't want to hurt my parents. And thus I mostly just rot in my room while thinking about a life which I'll never get to live, and pondering how awful human behavior really is.
