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Venting I miss my pre pubescent self :(

Blackpillapologist

Blackpillapologist

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I miss my pre pubescent self so much, before those disgusting balls started puking testosterone and gave me unfulfillable romantic and sexual desires.

Back then when I was a happy little kid, I wasn't ugly (I grew up to be ugly, back in childhood I wasn't exactly beautiful but I wasn't too ugly either. I was average looking). Although I was never the cool kid, but it was okay since it didn't cost me anything. I was busy exploring my nerdy interests like science, computers, math, physics, history and so on.

Our family's financial situation was also very good, I didn't have to worry about my dad getting fired or not getting his monthly salary (the 2008 recession didn't affect my family much and was certainly NOTHING compared to the chinavirus recession).

Since I wasn't a depressed teenager, I was able to carry out other activities like studies, and my grades were always A. Woe to me, I used to be a straight A student and now I barely manage to pass.

I was also far more healthy, I wasn't balding, didn't have pot belly and had a far more active, energy filled lifestyle.

Wish I could go back to my pre pubescent self, where I didn't have romantic/sexual desires, didn't care what women thought of me, wasn't ugly, had all my grades up and my life was overall stable and good.

When I wasn't a depressed kid and was overall living a happy life :cryfeels::feelscry::feelsrope:
 
senses fail

senses fail

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I was thinking about this in bed last night. Laughing to myself because I know I cant turn back the hands of time. Why dwell on something that no human has ever had the power of? But yet, I cant help but just long for the days of being naïve and happy. I took everything for granted and never fully understood blessings where I saw them.
I feel like down the line from my wonderful childhood to where I am now, what went drastically wrong? I cannot go a day without thinking about dark thoughts and overwhelming failure. :fuk:
I cant find happiness anymore because I dont think this world is capable of such, and I am certainly unworthy. I just really wish i could just cease to exist ya know? Like no flashy outro, no big goodbye. Just. gone. :feelscry:
 
Mecoja

Mecoja

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Even though i grew up in poverty with abusive parents as a kid i was finding happiness in small copes, i wasnt allowed to do almost anything, i enjoyed things i was allowed. For a long time i cant enjoy in anything.
senses fail said:
I just really wish i could just cease to exist ya know? Like no flashy outro, no big goodbye. Just. gone. :feelscry:

Same, im scared of death but i also welcome it.
 
senses fail

senses fail

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Mecoja said:
Even though i grew up in poverty with abusive parents as a kid i was finding happiness in small copes, i wasnt allowed to do almost anything, i enjoyed things i was allowed. For a long time i cant enjoy in anything.


Same, im scared of death but i also welcome it.
That really bites about your childhood growing up brocel.

I have had two face to face run-ins with the grim reaper in my few years on this earth. I am still terrified and I am trying to find that acceptance of death. However there is still SO much I have yet to see. I want to have a normal life but that ship has sailed. I am trying to focus on just accepting my fate and who I am now. Thats wherein true happiness lies, I believe that. I want to see things like easter island, I want to jump from a plane, I want to go to the desert and just gaze out under the stars. I dont even long for companionship anymore. I want to do all these things before dying but everyday is harder to wake up into
 
R

Rivetcel

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Same, games were also much more fun when I played them as a kid. Now it just feels like a chore. Maybe it's because currently there's not any good games being made.

Rooting for Elden Ring to be good.
 
Mecoja

Mecoja

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senses fail said:
That really bites about your childhood growing up brocel.

I have had two face to face run-ins with the grim reaper in my few years on this earth. I am still terrified and I am trying to find that acceptance of death. However there is still SO much I have yet to see. I want to have a normal life but that ship has sailed. I am trying to focus on just accepting my fate and who I am now. Thats wherein true happiness lies, I believe that. I want to see things like easter island, I want to jump from a plane, I want to go to the desert and just gaze out under the stars. I dont even long for companionship anymore. I want to do all these things before dying but everyday is harder to wake up into
I understand your point, many times i think how some places and many creations on this planet are amazing, how wonderful is our planet. I would also like to see it and experience it. Im fighting with acceptance against my despair and it was going ok till few years back, it could be a stage in life, maybe it will pass, maybe we will learn to live with what we can.
 
senses fail

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Mecoja said:
maybe it will pass, maybe we will learn to live with what we can.
You know its funny you say that. I know that when I am depressed it comes and goes on a regular basis. As a kid, I never felt that type of sadness. I simply didnt understand it the way a foid cannot understand our plight funny enough. I was completely ignorant to how low a human mind can delve.

Now since I have depression, I have come to the realization that there are some people placed on this earth for the sole purpose to bare anguish and torment. Someone who, no matter how hard they try, cannot find happiness. I believe that just as a chad is born and made to be successful from simple good looks and great genes, I believe that there are people here to just be the butt of the joke. To just be life's scapegoat. I believe I am one of those people.
 
Mecoja

Mecoja

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senses fail said:
I believe that there are people here to just be the butt of the joke. To just be life's scapegoat. I believe I am one of those people.
Thats horrible, is it even possible to fight against it? I basically quit the world, i withdrew from it. Other people's thoughts cant hurt you if you dont hear or experience them.
 
senses fail

senses fail

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Mecoja said:
Thats horrible, is it even possible to fight against it? I basically quit the world, i withdrew from it. Other people's thoughts cant hurt you if you dont hear or experience them.
I did the same exact thing. I cut myself off from everyone and everything. Destroyed all contact with past life peers, no social media, no more tv. I do not care about the kardashians or what new disease is running rampant. I dont care about what picture happy "normal" people get to post. I dont care about how the chads from my high school all have married their high school sweethearts. it is selfish I know, but I have learned time and again we do not win. I do not care for this world because it has proven to not care for me.

Is it possible to fight it?
I do my best to try, but Im sorry, I have yet to find the answer to be anything but: no. When we do things like retreat from the world, its a double edged sword. Yes I got the isolation from the despair I desired, however this isolation brought with it the dark thoughts I get when I am by myself. I am by myself almost all the time. So you try to cope with it in worse and worse ways until you cannot take it and snap. I dont see myself getting better from this, and unfortunately those like me do not recover from this. When you glance behind the curtain, you cannot see the play for what it once was.
 
Mecoja

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senses fail said:
When you glance behind the curtain, you cannot see the play for what it once was.
Beautiful true words, what is done it cannot be undone.
 
senses fail

senses fail

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Mecoja said:
Beautiful true words, what is done it cannot be undone.
bell cant be un-rung brocel and thats why I think some people are destined for hopelessness. :fuk:
 

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