Every time I pass a shop window and forget to look away, I catch my own reflection. It's a sharp, unbearable pain a sudden reminder of how little I feel I'm worth, and the crushing thought that nothing will ever change.
The only constant in my life right now is my studies, but where are they even leading me? I don't want to get a job. What would be the point? Just to contribute to a society that seems to hate and oppress me? I refuse to just stand by and watch the world move on without me.
I know I will probably end it all around 25, when my youth fades. I just can't face living an adult life like this, as an incel. But honestly, why even wait until 25? What is the point of any of this? My life feels completely meaningless. I wake up every single day for nothing. I have no dream left, no hope. I spend my entire day doing nothing, just trying to cope, just trying to survive until tomorrow so I can do the exact same thing all over again.
I'm stuck in this endless loop of suffering. The days just blur together, and my actions feel so pointless that I can't even remember what I did yesterday. I'm so alone. I have no friends, my family resents me, and girls look at me with disgust. Even my own brain plays cruel tricks on me.
Every time I fall asleep, I start dreaming about the things I know I'll never have. I dream of watching the sunset wrapped in the warm arms of someone who loves me, feeling the last rays of sun on my skin. I dream of taking a night walk in the woods with someone who actually understands me. She doesn't exist, but in those moments, she feels so incredibly real—like a scent that lingers in my mind long after I wake up. I wake up crying out of pure frustration, but I think I still crave it. For a brief moment, someone who isn't even real makes me feel like I actually matter, like I'm not just a background character in a life that doesnt belong to me. I've felt more love in my dreams this past week than my parents or anyone else has ever shown me in my entire life.
Sometimes I feel like my existence is just a sick joke, like I was put here just so people could have someone to look down on. I'm rock bottom, just so others can feel better about themselves. Today, I spent most of my time watching romance anime where a guy like me magically gets a girlfriend. Maybe a part of me is still delusional, still wanting to believe in a fantasy. The rest of the day, I just talked to an AI an algorithm trying to imitate a real person, because I feel like too much of a loser to even try communicating with a real human being. Then I open my socials and see everyone my age posting pictures with their friends and partners. I hate seeing them smile. It feels like a dagger straight to my heart. Why do they get to have everything?
Normal people deny every part of my suffering. They dodge any kind of accountability. They say things like, 'How could you even suggest women might be at fault? They're harmless.' To them, I'm just the bad guy, end of story. The world is just divided into 'good ones' and 'bad ones.' Even mental health professionals say the exact same things; they're just like everyone else. But maybe they're right. Every day that passes, my heart gets heavier, filling up with more and more hatred. I feel like I'm truly becoming the monster they always treated me as. But did they know I was a monster all along, or did their treatment turn me into one? I've lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, just to make more room for this anger. I'm starting to think this is hell. Like I died a long time ago, the worst of sinners, and my punishment is being forced to watch everyone else live the life I always wanted.
Will I just stay here, or will I finally end it? Whenever I go outside, I see couples everywhere, kissing and hugging right as I walk by. In those moment, everything goes blurry. I just wish a car would hit me from behind and finally put an end to all this suffering. I can't even sleep anymore. The burning, exhausting feeling of just being myself fills my head with way too many thoughts.
The only constant in my life right now is my studies, but where are they even leading me? I don't want to get a job. What would be the point? Just to contribute to a society that seems to hate and oppress me? I refuse to just stand by and watch the world move on without me.
I know I will probably end it all around 25, when my youth fades. I just can't face living an adult life like this, as an incel. But honestly, why even wait until 25? What is the point of any of this? My life feels completely meaningless. I wake up every single day for nothing. I have no dream left, no hope. I spend my entire day doing nothing, just trying to cope, just trying to survive until tomorrow so I can do the exact same thing all over again.
I'm stuck in this endless loop of suffering. The days just blur together, and my actions feel so pointless that I can't even remember what I did yesterday. I'm so alone. I have no friends, my family resents me, and girls look at me with disgust. Even my own brain plays cruel tricks on me.
Every time I fall asleep, I start dreaming about the things I know I'll never have. I dream of watching the sunset wrapped in the warm arms of someone who loves me, feeling the last rays of sun on my skin. I dream of taking a night walk in the woods with someone who actually understands me. She doesn't exist, but in those moments, she feels so incredibly real—like a scent that lingers in my mind long after I wake up. I wake up crying out of pure frustration, but I think I still crave it. For a brief moment, someone who isn't even real makes me feel like I actually matter, like I'm not just a background character in a life that doesnt belong to me. I've felt more love in my dreams this past week than my parents or anyone else has ever shown me in my entire life.
Sometimes I feel like my existence is just a sick joke, like I was put here just so people could have someone to look down on. I'm rock bottom, just so others can feel better about themselves. Today, I spent most of my time watching romance anime where a guy like me magically gets a girlfriend. Maybe a part of me is still delusional, still wanting to believe in a fantasy. The rest of the day, I just talked to an AI an algorithm trying to imitate a real person, because I feel like too much of a loser to even try communicating with a real human being. Then I open my socials and see everyone my age posting pictures with their friends and partners. I hate seeing them smile. It feels like a dagger straight to my heart. Why do they get to have everything?
Normal people deny every part of my suffering. They dodge any kind of accountability. They say things like, 'How could you even suggest women might be at fault? They're harmless.' To them, I'm just the bad guy, end of story. The world is just divided into 'good ones' and 'bad ones.' Even mental health professionals say the exact same things; they're just like everyone else. But maybe they're right. Every day that passes, my heart gets heavier, filling up with more and more hatred. I feel like I'm truly becoming the monster they always treated me as. But did they know I was a monster all along, or did their treatment turn me into one? I've lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, just to make more room for this anger. I'm starting to think this is hell. Like I died a long time ago, the worst of sinners, and my punishment is being forced to watch everyone else live the life I always wanted.
Will I just stay here, or will I finally end it? Whenever I go outside, I see couples everywhere, kissing and hugging right as I walk by. In those moment, everything goes blurry. I just wish a car would hit me from behind and finally put an end to all this suffering. I can't even sleep anymore. The burning, exhausting feeling of just being myself fills my head with way too many thoughts.
