I can't cope very well anymore. It's so depressing to continue living. Time is my worst enemy because I continue on living but I also continue to suffer. As time passes, there are more doors closing in my life, less opportunities to be had in my future basically. The past increases and the future recedes. So much has been wasted on me and I also have wasted so much time and so many resources in my life, all for nothing, basically no real endpoint.
I used to be suicidal and have suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation a lot. Now, much of that is over. Originally I thought that it had passed because I was better at coping, but now I realize I gave up on trying it because I am too much of a coward to go through with even the easiest suicide methods.
I now know that my death must be at the hands of another if it is to come for me. So now I go to the hood, gang territory, the "other side of the tracks" where I live. I don't go around provoking people or interacting with them, but I do sit and wait, all in the hopes that a stray bullet or a murderous gangster or ex-convict kills me suddenly. Granted, I do live in a relatively safe city, all things considered, but at least here in these lowest of places, I have a better chance of being ended.
I used to be suicidal and have suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation a lot. Now, much of that is over. Originally I thought that it had passed because I was better at coping, but now I realize I gave up on trying it because I am too much of a coward to go through with even the easiest suicide methods.
I now know that my death must be at the hands of another if it is to come for me. So now I go to the hood, gang territory, the "other side of the tracks" where I live. I don't go around provoking people or interacting with them, but I do sit and wait, all in the hopes that a stray bullet or a murderous gangster or ex-convict kills me suddenly. Granted, I do live in a relatively safe city, all things considered, but at least here in these lowest of places, I have a better chance of being ended.
