Hey guys, me (27HLM) and my girlfriend (27LLF) have been together for 7 years. 4 years ago she told me that she lost her libido and wanted to work on it, I told her that we were going to beat this problem and I would give her time to do so. I get it life happens.
First thing she did was get off her birth control which would hopefully bring back her libido, I gave it time for her hormones to regulate. A year later she left her highly stressful job and got a really calm one, I gave it time for the stress to ease and to get used to the new one. As far as I know those are the two only things she has done that could have created a real impact.
After she got off birth control I bought latex free condoms knowing she was allergic to latex, we have used at most 10 of them. She doesn’t like condoms, I suggest getting back on birth control since getting off them hasn’t done anything for her libido. She doesn’t want to mess with her hormones.
I have tried everything I can think of to make having sex easier for her. Keeping the house clean, going on more dates, going on nice vacations, etc. I don’t think I am owed sex for these things but when she says “maybe if you did X more I would be more likely to have sex” it tends to tie those two together.
We tried scheduled sex, I thought it was working well even though she would decline on half the days. Something is better than nothing, I got greedy and asked to double the days thinking “since we have a 50% success rate why not double the opportunities”. I even started ring shopping in this time thinking we finally figured it out. After asking for more she told me that the scheduled sex was placing too much pressure on her and she wasn’t liking it. That was fair so we ended that experiment.
A while back she asked me what is preventing me from wanting to get married. I told her that my financial situation was holding me back. To be fair I just became self employed and money was tight. I should have also told her that our DB was also holding me back but at the time she had a habit of saying “why is everything a transaction to you”. I didn’t want to make it a transaction. I regret not telling her then, things would probably be different. I have not been super passive when it comes to discussing our sex life but as time went on it became harder and harder to talk about.
She’s been on a house buying kick since we had the marriage discussion, and about 6-8 months ago she asked me why I didn’t seem interested in buying a house. Regretting what I didn’t say back then I finally told her that the complete lack of intimacy in our relationship has made me feel unwanted, unattractive, and that each time I try to initiate when I already know the answer it tears me down more and more. It makes me unsure about the future when it feels like she doesn’t want me in the present.
After that we had our yearly pity sex about 4 months ago during an annual work trip I take. I didn’t take condoms thinking we weren’t going to have sex so the day after we come back she tells me she is done with condoms, doesn’t want to get back on birth control, and doesn’t want to get pregnant yet. She suggests that if I want to have sex I need to get a vasectomy. I tell her that they aren’t 100% reversible thinking she just didn’t know. She told me to do more research. At that point I knew sex was off the table and have since then stopped pursuing something I can’t have.
Yesterday she asked again why I’m not interested in buying a house. I said my financial situation is not there. To be fair it’s not again but for a while it was good the market is just slowing down. I should’ve asked her if she remembered what we talked about last time she asked but I panicked.
I love her but I think our situation isn’t going to get better. I’m not sure if I can live like this and after lurking on this sub for so long I see where it leads. Thankfully we aren’t tied together legally or financially. I know what I need to do but after being with someone for so long it’s hard to leave.
