I fucking hate being autistic so much man how can I ever make peace with this

[the_only_ugly_YWG]

Like I can't accept it AT ALL, not because of the symptoms or the abstractness of being autistic (the latter can be lowkey fun sometimes, and the former I literally don't know any different) but because of just the way I'm treated and perceived by people, that's not something I can EVER make peace with and it fucking eats me alive every second I'm conscious

I'm autistic enough that it's noticeable to people pretty quickly after meeting me, and I have one of those weird as fuck faces too so people often literally just take one look at me and immediately know there's something not right about me, my entire life is basically just being either treated with disgust and avoidance and hatred by people because im creepy or being treated with pity and kindness because I'm pityful and they feel sorry for me, it seems like there's only those two categories of people, people that either treat me and stare at me like a fucking freak or they feel sorry for me and speak to me in this immediately noticeable soft tone and give me this smile that they'd to someone with down syndrome or something, no inbetween from what I've experienced

I just fucking hate it so much it's torture, if this is what it means to be autistic then I really just don't wanna be here anymore, all I want is just to be percieved as not fucked up, not even necessarily normal but just not so obviously different that the only two types of treatment I get is disgust or pity

Anytime anyone is nice to me I just immediately assume they can tell I'm disabled and they just wanna make themselves feel like good people for smile at the poor disabled dude or be nice to him, I can't ever just accept anyone being genuinely decent to me just because they can, there's always some "brutal reason" behind it, maybe they have a brother who's disabled, maybe they wanna feel like good people and jack off their ego, I can't even get smiled at by a women without immediately thinking "yeah she percieves me as fucking disabled"

I've seen accounts from other autistic people who've otherwise made peace with this and I just don't see fucking how, how can you make peace with the fact that you're so different that it's immediately noticeable to random strangers everywhere? That's impossible to me

 

[PersonaPimp]

NTpill is brutal.

 

[Friezacel]

I've seen accounts from other autistic people who've otherwise made peace with this and I just don't see fucking how

They are coping. They will never truly accept being a complete loser and outcast, it will always hurt

 

[The_word_made_flesh]

It's an impossible predicament that the world thinks its fun and games or that Asperger's is a mild disability or classic autism is the movie Rain man .The reality is that autism is like your nerves are made of gasoline and someone lit them on fire ,autism is endless nervous torment in reality

 

[Poindexter]

It's brutal, it was over for us since the start