I think I've psychoanalyzed myself enough. I now know the exact feeling I crave most in this world.
I am an "avoidant" narcissist. That's it, that's all there is to me, every feeling, every desire, every decision I make stems from this.
The feeling I crave, it was never love. If, god forbid, I would've ascended, I would've developed a deep hatred for my gf for expecting attention out of me. I would've become abusive, in an indirect, passive way. And I wouldn't enjoy the relationship one bit. It is likely that the moment a girl showed interest in me, I would've lost all feelings.
The affection I crave is very specific. I want to hide away and then be discovered. I want someone, especially a female, to discover me like a diamond in the rough and admire my beauty, both physical and mental. Without me having to ever put myself in front of her, or try to explain myself, my opinions or the way my brain works. In fact, I don't want to even interact with my admirer.
I have always done this. Years ago, I would post my face on a certain social media, and then that account "accidentally" got leaked to the discord community I was a part of. I pretended to be pissed but it was what I wanted all along. I would drop subtle hints as to the fact that said account existed and what the content of the account was. To the people in the community that liked me, and to the people in the community that hated me. I wanted them all to find my face.
Upon finding it, they made alt accounts with it as the pfp to mock me, but I loved it. Not because I want to be mocked, no, I want only positive attention. But because in my delusional mond I believed that despite the fact they were making fun of me, they secretly loved my face. That it blew all of their expectations out of the water. That their mocking was performative, and that they only did it because they already dislikes me before finding my face.
Even this "D. B. Gooner" persona. I've already dropped so many hints to so many people who are unaware of my edgy beliefs that lead back to this secret identity of mine. I want all my takes and ideas to be discovered, no matter how edgy or disagreeable.
I want to be like a well hidden symbolism you discover in a book. The one you find yourself smiling at due to how proud you are for managing to observe it. I want to be like a treasure behind a hidden waterfall.
This is why when I developed a crush on this 4.5/10. I stalked her for 10 months, lesrned her walking route and schedule and walked past her 1000 times without ever speaking to her or even giving eye contact. The feeling, walking past her, gave me more butterflies than talking to her ever could. The suspense - "Does she love me?" "Does she think I'm a creep" "Does she think about me whenever she steps outside?" "Did she even notice my existence?"
That feeling of uncertainty, it drives me insane, it gives me purpose, it is the only thing that makes me feel like my life is worth living. I want everyone to admire me and my beauty from a far. And I mean everyone. From the ugliest 5yo girl with down syndrome to the most beautiful woman in the world. But they must never let me know. I must suspect their admiration myself.
I spend 3 hours per day walking around with my headphones in, listening to and self inserting into tiktok edits. I do this for 2 reasons:
1) walking past people makes me feel seen. Every single person I walk past, I get a deep sense that they either hate me and find me repulsive, which results in a short mental breakdown, or that I impress them and that they're mesmerized by me. Either way I can't be ordinary, I must give a strong impression
2) as far as the self insert aspect goes, I self insert as badass, tragic, vile, charismatic characters. All characters that awaken intense feelings within people. And I realized something very important about my escapism. I do it because, unlike me, the characters are seen in their entirety.
I have a deep fear of being misunderstood: What if someone thinks I eat raw meat because I'm mentally ill? What if someone thinks I have long hair because I'm gay? What if someone thinks I'm a recluse because I'm autistic? If only they could hear my whole life story, how I was abused by my mother, abandoned by my father, they would understand me, how tragic I am, how cohesive my behavior is.
But fictional characters don't suffer from this problem. Their stories are written in stone, and fully documented. A fictional character presents itself in its entirety, and is admired for it's complexity whether likable or dislikable. They are always seen by the narrative of the story, by the viewer.
But the real world isn't like that. There is no camera following me, there are no childhood flashbacks. I could die tomorrow, and the people in my life will be left not knowing my entire story, not seeing the full picture, and having the wrong impression of how my mind works, and what I believed. This is why I share so many personal stories on this website. I'm hoping if I die tomorrow, someone will find this account and read through all of my posts, whether funny, smart, low iq or disgusting.
I've always said that humans are all the same no matter how much they cope. They're all bound by the same human nature. But I was somewhat wrong. Normal humans are all the same. I ignored psychology. I'm not the same. I'm not like normal humans. My brain doesn't function correctly. I am fundamentally malfunctioning.
Sorry for the long and gay rant, I know my psyche is very feminine and attention seeking, but that's just the way things are.
I am an "avoidant" narcissist. That's it, that's all there is to me, every feeling, every desire, every decision I make stems from this.
The feeling I crave, it was never love. If, god forbid, I would've ascended, I would've developed a deep hatred for my gf for expecting attention out of me. I would've become abusive, in an indirect, passive way. And I wouldn't enjoy the relationship one bit. It is likely that the moment a girl showed interest in me, I would've lost all feelings.
The affection I crave is very specific. I want to hide away and then be discovered. I want someone, especially a female, to discover me like a diamond in the rough and admire my beauty, both physical and mental. Without me having to ever put myself in front of her, or try to explain myself, my opinions or the way my brain works. In fact, I don't want to even interact with my admirer.
I have always done this. Years ago, I would post my face on a certain social media, and then that account "accidentally" got leaked to the discord community I was a part of. I pretended to be pissed but it was what I wanted all along. I would drop subtle hints as to the fact that said account existed and what the content of the account was. To the people in the community that liked me, and to the people in the community that hated me. I wanted them all to find my face.
Upon finding it, they made alt accounts with it as the pfp to mock me, but I loved it. Not because I want to be mocked, no, I want only positive attention. But because in my delusional mond I believed that despite the fact they were making fun of me, they secretly loved my face. That it blew all of their expectations out of the water. That their mocking was performative, and that they only did it because they already dislikes me before finding my face.
Even this "D. B. Gooner" persona. I've already dropped so many hints to so many people who are unaware of my edgy beliefs that lead back to this secret identity of mine. I want all my takes and ideas to be discovered, no matter how edgy or disagreeable.
I want to be like a well hidden symbolism you discover in a book. The one you find yourself smiling at due to how proud you are for managing to observe it. I want to be like a treasure behind a hidden waterfall.
This is why when I developed a crush on this 4.5/10. I stalked her for 10 months, lesrned her walking route and schedule and walked past her 1000 times without ever speaking to her or even giving eye contact. The feeling, walking past her, gave me more butterflies than talking to her ever could. The suspense - "Does she love me?" "Does she think I'm a creep" "Does she think about me whenever she steps outside?" "Did she even notice my existence?"
That feeling of uncertainty, it drives me insane, it gives me purpose, it is the only thing that makes me feel like my life is worth living. I want everyone to admire me and my beauty from a far. And I mean everyone. From the ugliest 5yo girl with down syndrome to the most beautiful woman in the world. But they must never let me know. I must suspect their admiration myself.
I spend 3 hours per day walking around with my headphones in, listening to and self inserting into tiktok edits. I do this for 2 reasons:
1) walking past people makes me feel seen. Every single person I walk past, I get a deep sense that they either hate me and find me repulsive, which results in a short mental breakdown, or that I impress them and that they're mesmerized by me. Either way I can't be ordinary, I must give a strong impression
2) as far as the self insert aspect goes, I self insert as badass, tragic, vile, charismatic characters. All characters that awaken intense feelings within people. And I realized something very important about my escapism. I do it because, unlike me, the characters are seen in their entirety.
I have a deep fear of being misunderstood: What if someone thinks I eat raw meat because I'm mentally ill? What if someone thinks I have long hair because I'm gay? What if someone thinks I'm a recluse because I'm autistic? If only they could hear my whole life story, how I was abused by my mother, abandoned by my father, they would understand me, how tragic I am, how cohesive my behavior is.
But fictional characters don't suffer from this problem. Their stories are written in stone, and fully documented. A fictional character presents itself in its entirety, and is admired for it's complexity whether likable or dislikable. They are always seen by the narrative of the story, by the viewer.
But the real world isn't like that. There is no camera following me, there are no childhood flashbacks. I could die tomorrow, and the people in my life will be left not knowing my entire story, not seeing the full picture, and having the wrong impression of how my mind works, and what I believed. This is why I share so many personal stories on this website. I'm hoping if I die tomorrow, someone will find this account and read through all of my posts, whether funny, smart, low iq or disgusting.
I've always said that humans are all the same no matter how much they cope. They're all bound by the same human nature. But I was somewhat wrong. Normal humans are all the same. I ignored psychology. I'm not the same. I'm not like normal humans. My brain doesn't function correctly. I am fundamentally malfunctioning.
Sorry for the long and gay rant, I know my psyche is very feminine and attention seeking, but that's just the way things are.
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