Extremely relatable. I feel like I'm always watching a TV show of actors and actresses playing out life in front of me, I just go home after each session and turn off the TV. Back to my room. I hear people do things or having done things that seem incomprehensible to me. The very act of going to a party and taking a girl somewhere to fuck is incomprehensible to me. Going on a road trip to another state. Going to a club and dancing in public. Having sex in high school. Getting so drunk you just black out and can't remember anything (I've gotten drunk to passing out and throwing up hung over the next morning, never got so drunk I couldn't remember anything). None of this is comprehensible to me.
This, along with three other feelings:
1. My mind is never in the now; I'm always making plans for the future, what's next for the next 3-5 years of my life. I never stop to think about living in the moment, because life is always miserable in the moment.
2. I feel like a 13 year old stuck in a 20 something year old body, with the past decade or so just flown by. Nothing really happened to me to warrant change other than I guess I act more mature now and am more comfortable talking to people, but besides that, nothing. It's incomprehensible to me that I'm at the age I'm at. I feel like the entire world moved and I stood still.
3. I feel like I have giant invisible red markings on me that signify "poison" to people, and they stay away from me. In the same way that a bee can see markings on a flower where nectar is that we, as humans, aren't able to see, human beings see some kind of mark on me and just...stay away.
I have literally ripped apart my entire soul trying to find what within me is this "red mark," and I am unable to properly identify it. It might be my face...it might be my lack of life experience...it might be the fact that I come across as pompously intelligent (even though I'm not) unintentionally...it might be how serious I am as a person...I do not know.