It's been so long since I've first thought of myself as a spectator in life. Not really doing anything or being involved in anything of my own, just sort of viewing reality as a spectator. And I've really had no experiences, 99% of my life was spent watching or reading stuff.
And I'm so tired of it. I watch a movie nowadays and I keep putting myself in the characters' places. I keep thinking what I would do in their stead, how I'd act differently. And that makes me wish I had a life of my own, so I could actually manifest those actions, so that I'd actually do something and actually play out a role in real life. Cause right now it feels like I have no personality, no experiences, no role in life. Even when I'm watching a youtube video or something, I keep fantasizing about being someone else, actually living out a life instead of my blank nothingness of a life.
But it will never happen. I won't ever have friends cause tbh by now I find them utterly pointless and also uncomfortable cause I'm avoidant by nature. The fact that I feel genuine anxiety and discomfort when interacting with human beings just compounds the problem. And I won't have a woman by my side either cause of obvious reasons. So I'll keep being a spectator. The only real role I'll have is being a wageslave, and that's just drudgery, a huge bore. A slave during the day and a spectator when the work day is over. Not much of an improvement.
Edit: Ohh right, I just imagined myself actually doing anything. Even just imagining it caused a huge wave of anxiety to wash over me, my head and my chest were literally numb for 1 second. Idk what it is, it's just so much wrong with me that caused this. First of all I'm very lazy, anything but rotting is a huge drain on me. Second, I'm addicted to laying in bed passively consuming media, not doing this makes me anxious (and has since I was a kid). Thirdly I've got so much PTSD-inducing memories from a few years ago when I was an alcoholic, I really dread going anywhere cause I might bump into someone that kind of knew me and heard about/seen my embarrassing actions. This third one isn't as important as the other 2. And there's other stuff that makes me anxious, idk.
And I'm so tired of it. I watch a movie nowadays and I keep putting myself in the characters' places. I keep thinking what I would do in their stead, how I'd act differently. And that makes me wish I had a life of my own, so I could actually manifest those actions, so that I'd actually do something and actually play out a role in real life. Cause right now it feels like I have no personality, no experiences, no role in life. Even when I'm watching a youtube video or something, I keep fantasizing about being someone else, actually living out a life instead of my blank nothingness of a life.
But it will never happen. I won't ever have friends cause tbh by now I find them utterly pointless and also uncomfortable cause I'm avoidant by nature. The fact that I feel genuine anxiety and discomfort when interacting with human beings just compounds the problem. And I won't have a woman by my side either cause of obvious reasons. So I'll keep being a spectator. The only real role I'll have is being a wageslave, and that's just drudgery, a huge bore. A slave during the day and a spectator when the work day is over. Not much of an improvement.
Edit: Ohh right, I just imagined myself actually doing anything. Even just imagining it caused a huge wave of anxiety to wash over me, my head and my chest were literally numb for 1 second. Idk what it is, it's just so much wrong with me that caused this. First of all I'm very lazy, anything but rotting is a huge drain on me. Second, I'm addicted to laying in bed passively consuming media, not doing this makes me anxious (and has since I was a kid). Thirdly I've got so much PTSD-inducing memories from a few years ago when I was an alcoholic, I really dread going anywhere cause I might bump into someone that kind of knew me and heard about/seen my embarrassing actions. This third one isn't as important as the other 2. And there's other stuff that makes me anxious, idk.
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