C
the good stuff is at the end.
I’ve found that it’s easier mentally to be alone than to have people around me who I consider friends, but have to realize that I’m in their outer circle. For whatever reason I’ve been in the outer circle for everyone I’ve known my whole life. No one invites me anywhere, no one wants to see me. They’ll accept my presence but that’s it. Sometimes I hear a friend talk about something that happened with someone else, and the thought of that feels so wrong. Just to casually spend time with someone, I dont think I could do it. I hate being alone; it’s not that I think I wasn’t made for being around people, I think i was, I just think it’s been ruined for me now. The concept of inviting someone over to my house seems so peculiar and dangerous to me.
One of the bigger pills for me is when I realized that everyone at my job had each others snapchats and facebooks, even the new people. I had been there for a year and thought people liked me and no one bothered to ask for me. It took another 6 months to find out that they had a “tradition” to go out together on Thursday nights after work. One of the most psychologically damaging aspects is that I don’t know why no one really likes me. I don’t look terrible, probably ltn, not short, and not super nd. I can socialize well and I make people laugh often. I try my best to be kind and respectful and I operate with confidence, so there’s no way I come off as a sniveling cuck. I feel like something in me broke a long time time ago and now I’m just cursed not to be able to get close to anyone.
I can’t look people in the eye when I talk to them, not out of autism, but because I don’t want them to see me. I don’t want to see them and I don’t want them to see me. I cope by saying that if there was a foid who wanted me, this could fix everything, that I could finally have a deep connection with someone, but I starting to think that even if she wanted to, I would be unable. I don’t think it’s possible for me to expose my soul like that anymore. And even if I could I’m worried that when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t want to. Better the familiar loneliness- same reason I don’t try to see any of my friends now.
I’m finding it harder to believe other people are real. Like you’re all NPCs, but literally. I’m having fantasies of slaughtering people. Just walking through public, in my mind I’m shooting everyone I see in the head. I’m not trying to picture this, but I’m not stopping it either. I’d never do it actually, but it doesn’t feel wrong to imagine. I’ve started to let my distain for humanity affect the choices I make in real life, and the way I treat people. My confidence is all a facade, I’m only confident because I don’t care what people think of me because I hate them. I think if I lose my fear of being seen (eg. prolonged eye contact) it means I’ve finally gone off the deep end. I’m only 22 so statistically I have a good number of years left, and I’m kind of worried that my mental decline will continue to a dangerous point before long.
Is ts water
I’ve found that it’s easier mentally to be alone than to have people around me who I consider friends, but have to realize that I’m in their outer circle. For whatever reason I’ve been in the outer circle for everyone I’ve known my whole life. No one invites me anywhere, no one wants to see me. They’ll accept my presence but that’s it. Sometimes I hear a friend talk about something that happened with someone else, and the thought of that feels so wrong. Just to casually spend time with someone, I dont think I could do it. I hate being alone; it’s not that I think I wasn’t made for being around people, I think i was, I just think it’s been ruined for me now. The concept of inviting someone over to my house seems so peculiar and dangerous to me.
One of the bigger pills for me is when I realized that everyone at my job had each others snapchats and facebooks, even the new people. I had been there for a year and thought people liked me and no one bothered to ask for me. It took another 6 months to find out that they had a “tradition” to go out together on Thursday nights after work. One of the most psychologically damaging aspects is that I don’t know why no one really likes me. I don’t look terrible, probably ltn, not short, and not super nd. I can socialize well and I make people laugh often. I try my best to be kind and respectful and I operate with confidence, so there’s no way I come off as a sniveling cuck. I feel like something in me broke a long time time ago and now I’m just cursed not to be able to get close to anyone.
I can’t look people in the eye when I talk to them, not out of autism, but because I don’t want them to see me. I don’t want to see them and I don’t want them to see me. I cope by saying that if there was a foid who wanted me, this could fix everything, that I could finally have a deep connection with someone, but I starting to think that even if she wanted to, I would be unable. I don’t think it’s possible for me to expose my soul like that anymore. And even if I could I’m worried that when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t want to. Better the familiar loneliness- same reason I don’t try to see any of my friends now.
I’m finding it harder to believe other people are real. Like you’re all NPCs, but literally. I’m having fantasies of slaughtering people. Just walking through public, in my mind I’m shooting everyone I see in the head. I’m not trying to picture this, but I’m not stopping it either. I’d never do it actually, but it doesn’t feel wrong to imagine. I’ve started to let my distain for humanity affect the choices I make in real life, and the way I treat people. My confidence is all a facade, I’m only confident because I don’t care what people think of me because I hate them. I think if I lose my fear of being seen (eg. prolonged eye contact) it means I’ve finally gone off the deep end. I’m only 22 so statistically I have a good number of years left, and I’m kind of worried that my mental decline will continue to a dangerous point before long.
Is ts water
