This is gonna be brutal.
I'm not really a hateful person, hatred in me is nothing more than a manifestation of astronomical amounts of unsaid, unexpressed sadness that had nowhere to go my entire life.
Nothing can help me cope. NOTHING.
I can't do anything anymore. I go out and all I feel is an immense, infinite suicidefuel.
People happy all around, laughing, having a good time with friends or their significant othes. I will never have that.
It's been at least 13 years I am completely incapable of enjoying anything. Everything feels so temporary, so superficial. I've taken way too many suifuels since 2020, way more than all the other years, and I've reached a breaking point. I was already FAR over any limits I believed I would endure. This is not inceldom or sexual frustration, it is something much beyond emotional pain.
I've come to a point where nothing matters anymore, I just want to be gone or simply, somehow, forget I am in reality and aware of everything.
Why should I listen to music, watch a movie or play games? I will still be aware of everything about me, my life, the world out there. There is no escape and I want to escape. This is a mental hell and I just can't see myself living like this for years to come, the rest of my life.
I simply don't want to feel any of this anymore. This goes far beyond any reasonable words or phrases to describe anxiety or depression. This amount of dread, despair, desperation, loneliness and feeling abandoned, unwanted and left to rot in mysery alone is beyond anything that I could believe could ever exist.
There is just so much someone can take. I don't have any dreams, everything is far to unreachable. I will never achieve anything, I'm a barely functioning autistic idiot that most of the time cannot take the most basic day-to-day decisions because I freeze up. I have to give up. There is just no reason to continue.
You cope until you can't. And I can't cope... I couldn't cope with anything imaginable for the past decade and I've had enough.
Yesterday I had one of the biggest suicidefuels of my life while I was in another place. I just wanted to get inside the building, find a bathroom and cry until my tears would go dry. I just fucking can't anymore. I don't have any strenght in my body or mind anymore for anything.
Getting out of bed is almost impossible, or eating, getting my favorite soda, I can't even do this stuff anymore.
I got enough man, I can't take another suicidefuel anymore. There is no point for me to continue existing if all my wishes are unreachable, either because of mental illness or severe intellectual limitation.
I'm disappointed, I had hopes that my mental illness (schizophrenia) would take over me completely and take me out of reality to a state I would not be aware of anything anymore, but it never happened it and will never happen. It only happens in weird dreams.
I just... don't want to be aware of anything anymore, I just don't want to feel anything anymore.
I've crossed a line, a long time ago and it has no way back. I can't see the person people thought I would be, whatever they thought I would, something good.
Where did I end up? Being locked in my room for the past 14 years rotting in loneliness, depression, despair and unfulfilled dreams and desires.
I don't see myself going any further, and, I sincerely, don't want to. There's nothing for me to be achieved, I can't even function like a normal person at a semi basic level, so what am I even supposed to do?
I have to accept my fate that I will die alone, as a failure, unloved by a partner and that has lived in isolation, as when I was not isolating myself everything would go wrong, as I would be bullied, laughed at, called names for no reason. I remember a day where I was just crossing the street at the crosswalk and these whores were talking loudly about me, calling me a monster and shit. I can't even express the level of hatred that boiled inside me. What did I even do to them? I was just minding my own business walking the street to the other side! Oh yeah, I forgot, my extremely apparent autism combined with sub human features gives it all aways and a right for them to say such things about me.
It's hard to accept, but I think it is my fate after all. Being alone, unwanted, unloved, despised, failed, intellectually, physically, in life and everything else.
I didn't want to come to this, but this is what I come to.
I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I can't believe my fate was sealed the moment I was conceived. This is too brutal.
These past weeks I've not been here much, because I was trying to stay away from everything, trying to recover, gain some clarity, and it did nothing.
I've descended into total darkness, into a bottomless pit with no way back up and this is where I will unforunately end, it seems.
I don't see myself or my life going anywhere. I give up, well, I gave up a long time ago, but not, I just see I have to really give up. It's a lost battle.
There is nothing here for me, there never was.
Impaired physically, mentally, intellectually, in every way is just too much of a punishment for simply being born.
I don't think I deserve any of this. No one will ever want me, be it romantically, or as anything else, and there is nothing I can do.
I was in a nearby town yesterday and it was so much... everyone talking, laughing, having a good time with their friends, their girlfriends/boyfriends, and I was grumpy, alone, no one to talk to, share something, eat something, look at the scenery... nothing. I felt so miserable, so failed.
Beautiful, gorgeous girls everywhere, and I didn't even feel anything looking at tham other than pure sadness and despair, because I knew I will never have any of that.
Some people have everything in life, be it money or emotional happiness, or several other things. I was not provided with any of it.
I just see no reason to keep living if everything I feel is a mysery so big it goes past any boundary imaginable. I don't want my life to be a torture, more than it has already been for so long.
IT will never touch this, and if they do, they will do as usual, take some excerpts and twist it all to make it seem what they like to portray us as.
I'm not really a hateful person, hatred in me is nothing more than a manifestation of astronomical amounts of unsaid, unexpressed sadness that had nowhere to go my entire life.
Nothing can help me cope. NOTHING.
I can't do anything anymore. I go out and all I feel is an immense, infinite suicidefuel.
People happy all around, laughing, having a good time with friends or their significant othes. I will never have that.
It's been at least 13 years I am completely incapable of enjoying anything. Everything feels so temporary, so superficial. I've taken way too many suifuels since 2020, way more than all the other years, and I've reached a breaking point. I was already FAR over any limits I believed I would endure. This is not inceldom or sexual frustration, it is something much beyond emotional pain.
I've come to a point where nothing matters anymore, I just want to be gone or simply, somehow, forget I am in reality and aware of everything.
Why should I listen to music, watch a movie or play games? I will still be aware of everything about me, my life, the world out there. There is no escape and I want to escape. This is a mental hell and I just can't see myself living like this for years to come, the rest of my life.
I simply don't want to feel any of this anymore. This goes far beyond any reasonable words or phrases to describe anxiety or depression. This amount of dread, despair, desperation, loneliness and feeling abandoned, unwanted and left to rot in mysery alone is beyond anything that I could believe could ever exist.
There is just so much someone can take. I don't have any dreams, everything is far to unreachable. I will never achieve anything, I'm a barely functioning autistic idiot that most of the time cannot take the most basic day-to-day decisions because I freeze up. I have to give up. There is just no reason to continue.
You cope until you can't. And I can't cope... I couldn't cope with anything imaginable for the past decade and I've had enough.
Yesterday I had one of the biggest suicidefuels of my life while I was in another place. I just wanted to get inside the building, find a bathroom and cry until my tears would go dry. I just fucking can't anymore. I don't have any strenght in my body or mind anymore for anything.
Getting out of bed is almost impossible, or eating, getting my favorite soda, I can't even do this stuff anymore.
I got enough man, I can't take another suicidefuel anymore. There is no point for me to continue existing if all my wishes are unreachable, either because of mental illness or severe intellectual limitation.
I'm disappointed, I had hopes that my mental illness (schizophrenia) would take over me completely and take me out of reality to a state I would not be aware of anything anymore, but it never happened it and will never happen. It only happens in weird dreams.
I just... don't want to be aware of anything anymore, I just don't want to feel anything anymore.
I've crossed a line, a long time ago and it has no way back. I can't see the person people thought I would be, whatever they thought I would, something good.
Where did I end up? Being locked in my room for the past 14 years rotting in loneliness, depression, despair and unfulfilled dreams and desires.
I don't see myself going any further, and, I sincerely, don't want to. There's nothing for me to be achieved, I can't even function like a normal person at a semi basic level, so what am I even supposed to do?
I have to accept my fate that I will die alone, as a failure, unloved by a partner and that has lived in isolation, as when I was not isolating myself everything would go wrong, as I would be bullied, laughed at, called names for no reason. I remember a day where I was just crossing the street at the crosswalk and these whores were talking loudly about me, calling me a monster and shit. I can't even express the level of hatred that boiled inside me. What did I even do to them? I was just minding my own business walking the street to the other side! Oh yeah, I forgot, my extremely apparent autism combined with sub human features gives it all aways and a right for them to say such things about me.
It's hard to accept, but I think it is my fate after all. Being alone, unwanted, unloved, despised, failed, intellectually, physically, in life and everything else.
I didn't want to come to this, but this is what I come to.
I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I can't believe my fate was sealed the moment I was conceived. This is too brutal.
These past weeks I've not been here much, because I was trying to stay away from everything, trying to recover, gain some clarity, and it did nothing.
I've descended into total darkness, into a bottomless pit with no way back up and this is where I will unforunately end, it seems.
I don't see myself or my life going anywhere. I give up, well, I gave up a long time ago, but not, I just see I have to really give up. It's a lost battle.
There is nothing here for me, there never was.
Impaired physically, mentally, intellectually, in every way is just too much of a punishment for simply being born.
I don't think I deserve any of this. No one will ever want me, be it romantically, or as anything else, and there is nothing I can do.
I was in a nearby town yesterday and it was so much... everyone talking, laughing, having a good time with their friends, their girlfriends/boyfriends, and I was grumpy, alone, no one to talk to, share something, eat something, look at the scenery... nothing. I felt so miserable, so failed.
Beautiful, gorgeous girls everywhere, and I didn't even feel anything looking at tham other than pure sadness and despair, because I knew I will never have any of that.
Some people have everything in life, be it money or emotional happiness, or several other things. I was not provided with any of it.
I just see no reason to keep living if everything I feel is a mysery so big it goes past any boundary imaginable. I don't want my life to be a torture, more than it has already been for so long.
IT will never touch this, and if they do, they will do as usual, take some excerpts and twist it all to make it seem what they like to portray us as.
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,that is the question. For me it's 
