Let's get this straight, sex developed a phobia for me before I developed a phobia of it. To begin, I'm a lifelong porn coper, always have been since I was 12. Never got lucky, got rejected, and bullied by girls, and I've had few friends as well. I've done a lot of philosophical thinking in my spare time, and I'm just horrified at the prospect of sex sometimes, usually during post-nut clarity is when it peaks, but perhaps that's just when I think about sex. The prospect of having sex with a fully cognizant person, sex that's real, that's pretty scary. It feels like it would be a vulnerable position, but not only that, we're also dealing with an unforgiving creature that will analyze, scrutinize, and categorize every aspect of you, your body, and performance both consciously and subconsciously. If she finds your dick small? Her whole friend group knows within the hour. But it's not just that, it's this idea that this other being is fully aware, has its own consciousness, own memories, identity, etc. Perhaps I've engaged with porn too much over the years where I've come to expect sex to be a solo, fake activity, whatever I watch I can deny that it was real afterwards and it brings a sense of safety. Sex with a real person makes that denial an impossibility. It feels better to objectify porn as that's its purpose, even if the porn is real, it doesn't carry the same weight as I'm not the one engaging in the sex act. I think part of it is the way we treat sex in our hookup culture today; that's also the problem, everyone who partakes in it, objectifies themselves to one degree or another. You can trash on me, call me a loser, or a moralfag but it's not that. Perhaps I needed to explain a lot of my other perspectives on life more broadly to make what I'm saying make sense.
