Whenever I feel lonely -- usually at night -- I create imaginary canaries where I have a girlfriend. This illusion is the greatest source of satisfaction I have in life. An effective escape from depression is sleeping or daydreaming. (You'd be amazed at what my brain can do.) Not even pornography entertains me. It has become boring and repetitive. If I received any female affection, it would melt my heart. But not in the real world, in this physical and material reality, nothing ever happens. (That's why I want to abdicate this materiality with death.)
