Fucking idiot, fucking retard, fucking dumb fuck, FUCKING FUCK FUCK ME FUCK!!! It is endlessly unfathomable to me how shit I am. Nothing ever goes right for me, and I am powerless to help it. I NEVER make the right decisions even if I agonize over them forever and I completely fuck myself over. My well-being is always so tenuous and never lasts. I never had to leave uni. The obvious solution was right there. I could have just dropped one, two, even three classes as long as I was still in one. Such an easy simple solution that never occurred to me until literally just now. I could have been there instead of FUCKING MISERABLE at home. I could have been smoking big weed from my skater buddy who would have been off probation soon and could smoke me up a lot more. I could have had social interaction. Even if it was shallow, I had many orders of magnitude more social interaction in the short 2 months than I ever had in ALL of high school.
There was my roommate that I sometimes ate with and occasionally invited me to his gf's place to play jackbox party games. There were the people on my floor I ate with in the dining hall. There was that one guy in my class who actually appreciated my foot fetish humor. Call me a fake mentalcel but there was a qt girl that worked in the dining hall who turned out to be a first year too that I was talking to. She always greeted everyone in an over-the-top cheerful way and with my low inhib and thirst for positive social interactions I think I was one of the only ones receptive to it. Enough for her to take special notice of me and learn my name and eventually approach me and give me her number and invite me to a social event with her friends that one time. She didn't seem like the typical insufferably unrelatable normie and was genuinely nice. And I fucking blew it all by leaving. I missed out on Halloween, I left right before it actually. I missed my chance to appeal the bullshit sanctions I got because of my dumb cunt of a suitemate reporting me for nothing. I missed my chance to act like an asshole to him the rest of the semester. I missed an immeasurable amount of opportunities by leaving and got nothing in return. There is nothing for me in my room. There is zero chance for social interaction here. There is only crushing isolation and misery. There is not even an easy way to fucking kill myself, at the very least I'd have to travel a ways to find a tall building or learn how to hang myself.
I recall how I came to leave and in the moment I was not aware what a big mistake I was making. Any normal person wouldn't even have considered it but I am a defective unfathomable piece of shit that was destined for terrible things and a miserable end. I met with my "case manager" for the suitemate conflict bullshit and because I had already expressed desire to drop out 2 weeks in, and we discussed one class I should definitely drop. She even gave me the option for a medical withdrawal so I wouldn't get fucked by the expenses. In the meeting following I could have just taken the obvious solution of dropping a class or two and finishing the rest I could have easily managed. My downfall was a stray thought I had that I should drop altogether. For some reason I voiced it to her. She told me I could. For some fucking reason I accepted. I took a long time deciding and she even said I could come back another day and decide then. For some bitchass, fuckass, cuntyass reason I felt like I should decide right then and there or else I might change my mind. You would think I was trying to fuck myself, but these are the decisions I make when I am trying to make the best for myself. No normal person would be fucked over by things this stupid. Now I missed my chance to register for classes when everyone else was, comfortably on campus face to face with an adviser. Now I have the added complications that come with coming back after withdrawing that I am too pathetic to deal with. Sending a fucking email to figure out my shit has me thinking I'd literally rather die than go through the discomfort. If I could just die, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit.
There was my roommate that I sometimes ate with and occasionally invited me to his gf's place to play jackbox party games. There were the people on my floor I ate with in the dining hall. There was that one guy in my class who actually appreciated my foot fetish humor. Call me a fake mentalcel but there was a qt girl that worked in the dining hall who turned out to be a first year too that I was talking to. She always greeted everyone in an over-the-top cheerful way and with my low inhib and thirst for positive social interactions I think I was one of the only ones receptive to it. Enough for her to take special notice of me and learn my name and eventually approach me and give me her number and invite me to a social event with her friends that one time. She didn't seem like the typical insufferably unrelatable normie and was genuinely nice. And I fucking blew it all by leaving. I missed out on Halloween, I left right before it actually. I missed my chance to appeal the bullshit sanctions I got because of my dumb cunt of a suitemate reporting me for nothing. I missed my chance to act like an asshole to him the rest of the semester. I missed an immeasurable amount of opportunities by leaving and got nothing in return. There is nothing for me in my room. There is zero chance for social interaction here. There is only crushing isolation and misery. There is not even an easy way to fucking kill myself, at the very least I'd have to travel a ways to find a tall building or learn how to hang myself.
I recall how I came to leave and in the moment I was not aware what a big mistake I was making. Any normal person wouldn't even have considered it but I am a defective unfathomable piece of shit that was destined for terrible things and a miserable end. I met with my "case manager" for the suitemate conflict bullshit and because I had already expressed desire to drop out 2 weeks in, and we discussed one class I should definitely drop. She even gave me the option for a medical withdrawal so I wouldn't get fucked by the expenses. In the meeting following I could have just taken the obvious solution of dropping a class or two and finishing the rest I could have easily managed. My downfall was a stray thought I had that I should drop altogether. For some reason I voiced it to her. She told me I could. For some fucking reason I accepted. I took a long time deciding and she even said I could come back another day and decide then. For some bitchass, fuckass, cuntyass reason I felt like I should decide right then and there or else I might change my mind. You would think I was trying to fuck myself, but these are the decisions I make when I am trying to make the best for myself. No normal person would be fucked over by things this stupid. Now I missed my chance to register for classes when everyone else was, comfortably on campus face to face with an adviser. Now I have the added complications that come with coming back after withdrawing that I am too pathetic to deal with. Sending a fucking email to figure out my shit has me thinking I'd literally rather die than go through the discomfort. If I could just die, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit.
