SuicideFuel I can't properly express myself anymore, not even here

[Jar Jar Binks]

In real life, I've pretty much always been deprived of the ability to express myself to others so I never learned how to go about doing it properly

I feel like I have so many emotions that have just been repressed for 22 years, I've felt this way since I was a kid and it manifested itself in me constantly being weird and erratic

Ever since I got on Jewpills I've felt numb but the feeling has never subsided. It doesn't reach the surface anymore and I don't know if that's good or bad, I feel like a husk but I guess that's better than being constantly frustrated with no outlet to express myself other than acting autistic

I never really had any friends, no sleepovers or spending time at a friend's house but there was this one time where I had to do a project with another kid and his mom told him in Spanish that she thought I was really weird and unnatural, that there was something wrong with me

I've remembered those words for a decade because it was one of the few times somebody acknowledged this directly to my face without any restraint. It hurt to hear that especially from a middle-aged woman who should know better than to insult a kid for something they can't change. My goblin tier face (which has now evolved to ogre tier) probably didn't do me any favors either

But she never did tell me what exactly was wrong with me, nobody has. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING IT UP IF YOU CAN'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???

I never wanted to exist, to be born, to deal with these thoughts everyday. I want to cry but I can't, I want to die so I can finally be at peace

I've been to shrinks but none of them have been able to pinpoint the problem, I really don't get what's wrong with me. I must have some severe chemical imbalances that have just somehow gone unnoticed or deliberately ignored, I don't know

I don't know why I do the things I do, why I do anything at all. I hate being human, sapience and consciousness are the two biggest curses that a living thing can suffer from

Even here I can't express myself properly anymore, I'm too high inhibition to make threads lately because I feel like every topic has been done to death already, most of my posts are one-word or one sentence replies. The only thing that really makes sense is postmaxxing in the sewers and spamming random shit. There's nothing more to talk about, even if I talk about personal struggles like this, it'll be things that people have already discussed, this thread is worth nothing, at this point I'm only typing for the sake of typing, so I don't feel totally alone, writing this into the void is all I can do to feel heard. But the truth is we'll never be heard, there is no respite, no resolution to our pain and frustration. There is nothing worth saying or doing anymore

I wanted to write a short story or something but I'm not even sure about that anymore, my writing skills are non-existent and there would be no real entertainment, intellectual or philosophical value in anything I write regardless

I hate myself more than anyone else

 

[Animecel2D]

 

[AtrociousCitizen]

In real life, I've pretty much always been deprived of the ability to express myself to others so I never learned how to go about doing it properly

Same here. You grow up never being listened to or understood, so eventually you just stop trying. Then people blame you for being socially retarded, as if it’s not the result of years of emotional starvation.

But she never did tell me what exactly was wrong with me, nobody has. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING IT UP IF YOU CAN'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???

She probably doesn't even understand what feels off about you; the feeling in question is instinctual and impossible to pinpoint for them, but it usually boils down to physical appearance and neural wiring.

 

[Jar Jar Binks]

Same here. You grow up never being listened to or understood, so eventually you just stop trying. Then people blame you for being socially retarded, as if it’s not the result of years of emotional starvation.

It's good to know that somebody understands but at the same time, I would never wish this upon even my worst enemy. While I doubt our affliction is exactly the same, it's still further depressing for me to know that my burden is not unique to myself

 

[kerberos41]

I wanted to write a short story or something but I'm not even sure about that anymore, my writing skills are non-existent and there would be no real entertainment, intellectual or philosophical value in anything I write regardless

Instead, I think that all one needs to do to start writing something is to just begin. The hardest part is always taking that first step. Entertainment value is the least important thing. You just need to write what you want to write. You don't need to worry about whether the topic has been mentioned countless times, nor do you have to worry about its logic or value. The meaning of the text is not like this. Words are the means of expressing emotions. As long as it is what you want to say, even if the words don't convey the exact meaning, it doesn't matter. You could simply write about your life. For example, "Good morning. I had breakfast today, but I didn't yesterday." You can also just write some clichés. I hate life. I love the kittens. These phrases have been said countless times, but they are truly a part of you. Countless such small details make up your unique existence. Does one have to write poetry to express their hardships? But not everyone in the world is a poet. Not everyone can write, and not everyone can even speak. So, are they not qualified to express themselves? Does writing necessarily mean knowing how to write poetry? But you are you. How can you adorn yourself with those unrealistic embellishments? When I think of you, everything becomes a true memory. You just need to write about yourself. That is the most worth reading thing. At least I will read it, and Brocels will read it too. This is one of the meanings of .is, isn't it? To give Brocels a place to express themselves and be listened to.

 

[kerberos41]

I really like all the posts you've written, including those about Fatima, various discussions and votes about you, and even just the fantasies about the hot mom and the blonde girlfriend. They are all very interesting and charismatic. This is the point. You said you couldn't express yourself, but you still wrote very well. You were ignored and excluded. In fact, you are much better than you think. It's just that people are reluctant to offer their praise, making you feel inferior. It's their fault, not yours.