I don't know why, but my desire to just end it all has increased suddenly. My negative thoughts have been overwhelming. The blackpill made it worse. I also have other things going on in life, which makes it even worse. I just can't forget about the bad things. The negative thoughts just keep on accumulating with no end. It's so exhausting. The fear of dropping out makes it even worse. I know that if I drop out, life is going to get alot worse.
I do want to talk about my consciousness. In my opinion, consciousness means the state of being aware that I'm alive, and is the source of my pain (but also good stuff too).
I really don't like being conscious sometimes, and I want it to end sometimes. Consciousness is such a hard problem to solve. How how can the brain, just a collection of neurons, make something that is aware of itself? My consciousness such a damn mystery. I don't know where it comes from. It can't come from matter, because matter itself is unconcious. It's physically impossible to understand consciousness in other people, so that's the hard wall of consciousness, which makes the problem straight up impossible to solve. That's why I believe that consciousness is something outside this world. It's not made of matter. My consciousness is a reason why I'm so scared to rope. If I did rope, I feel like I may get sent to hell, with my consciousness fully intact, since consciousness is immaterial. Roping won't remove the conciousness because it is immaterial.
All these thoughts are purely hypothetical. In reality, I'm way too scared to rope. But the thoughts keep coming back and it's painful.
I do want to talk about my consciousness. In my opinion, consciousness means the state of being aware that I'm alive, and is the source of my pain (but also good stuff too).
I really don't like being conscious sometimes, and I want it to end sometimes. Consciousness is such a hard problem to solve. How how can the brain, just a collection of neurons, make something that is aware of itself? My consciousness such a damn mystery. I don't know where it comes from. It can't come from matter, because matter itself is unconcious. It's physically impossible to understand consciousness in other people, so that's the hard wall of consciousness, which makes the problem straight up impossible to solve. That's why I believe that consciousness is something outside this world. It's not made of matter. My consciousness is a reason why I'm so scared to rope. If I did rope, I feel like I may get sent to hell, with my consciousness fully intact, since consciousness is immaterial. Roping won't remove the conciousness because it is immaterial.
All these thoughts are purely hypothetical. In reality, I'm way too scared to rope. But the thoughts keep coming back and it's painful.
