THE THEME OF THIS POST IS [LIFEFUEL] BUT I AM NOW FEELING [R4GE]
I am so fucking tired of everything. I go to school, I come home, overeat, jerkoff, die until the next morning. Repeat. No school on weekends.
It's the same, day in day out. But not recently. Recently there is something weird. A burning in the chest. Something I can call anger, but it isn't quite that. These past few weeks, boiling.
I want to break things, I want to make them bigger and break them again. I want to travel for 3 hours on foot and be stranded and exhausted somewhere I don't know and then I'll have to get back home. I want to go days without food and then eat everything in the house. That last one I have done.
This feeling I have is conflict, not with myself, not with others, not with some mumbo jumbo philosophical concept, just conflict. I have realized; everything I do, everything I ever wanted is based on conflict. Girlfriend? Overcome ugliness and shyness and competition. Job? Overcome work load and study stuff. People that make me angry? Struggle to understand them. Everything else? Lift heavy stuff. Hit hard things. Go fast and slam on something fragile.
This is what I will be doing now. No incelish whining. No crying that God didn't give me an 8 pack and negative canthal tilt or some shit, whatever the fuck that is. It has all been absorbed into the anger. I can now stop caring about women, and Chads, and being a loser because it's just all the same. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of sticking to stuff that doesn't work. Study. Sleep on time. Don't disrespect people in public. Respect women. Be nice to your friends. Fuck. I don't care. I will go where my anger takes me.
And you know where that is? Fuck, it's incredible. Gymcelling not for looks, to lift heavy metal and then lift some heavier metal. Martial arts. Amateur at first; I will do shadowboxing, karate katas and fast Tai Chi at home. That's for beating things up. I'm in med school, so now, I'll be looking out for these things: Muscle hypertrophy. Making skin tougher. Becoming smarter. Drugs, for ecstasy and fury. Endurance. Somafera: The art of inducing physiological changes with mental impulses. I'm going to be a fucking BERSERKER. Twenty seconds of courage? Let's try something more like 3 broken plates, a bloody arm and a sore pair of vocal chords of courage.
I know you'll think I'm memeing. Fuck it. I'm going to do it anyways. I don't care about anything anymore. I will cling on to my senseless anger, or else I will die. I know it. The moment I lose this anger is the moment life will cease to have worth; because all that remains is loneliness and work.
I will hail you from the other shore. And I will show you so much fucking anger you'll think I'm insane.
I am so fucking tired of everything. I go to school, I come home, overeat, jerkoff, die until the next morning. Repeat. No school on weekends.
It's the same, day in day out. But not recently. Recently there is something weird. A burning in the chest. Something I can call anger, but it isn't quite that. These past few weeks, boiling.
I want to break things, I want to make them bigger and break them again. I want to travel for 3 hours on foot and be stranded and exhausted somewhere I don't know and then I'll have to get back home. I want to go days without food and then eat everything in the house. That last one I have done.
This feeling I have is conflict, not with myself, not with others, not with some mumbo jumbo philosophical concept, just conflict. I have realized; everything I do, everything I ever wanted is based on conflict. Girlfriend? Overcome ugliness and shyness and competition. Job? Overcome work load and study stuff. People that make me angry? Struggle to understand them. Everything else? Lift heavy stuff. Hit hard things. Go fast and slam on something fragile.
This is what I will be doing now. No incelish whining. No crying that God didn't give me an 8 pack and negative canthal tilt or some shit, whatever the fuck that is. It has all been absorbed into the anger. I can now stop caring about women, and Chads, and being a loser because it's just all the same. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of sticking to stuff that doesn't work. Study. Sleep on time. Don't disrespect people in public. Respect women. Be nice to your friends. Fuck. I don't care. I will go where my anger takes me.
And you know where that is? Fuck, it's incredible. Gymcelling not for looks, to lift heavy metal and then lift some heavier metal. Martial arts. Amateur at first; I will do shadowboxing, karate katas and fast Tai Chi at home. That's for beating things up. I'm in med school, so now, I'll be looking out for these things: Muscle hypertrophy. Making skin tougher. Becoming smarter. Drugs, for ecstasy and fury. Endurance. Somafera: The art of inducing physiological changes with mental impulses. I'm going to be a fucking BERSERKER. Twenty seconds of courage? Let's try something more like 3 broken plates, a bloody arm and a sore pair of vocal chords of courage.
I know you'll think I'm memeing. Fuck it. I'm going to do it anyways. I don't care about anything anymore. I will cling on to my senseless anger, or else I will die. I know it. The moment I lose this anger is the moment life will cease to have worth; because all that remains is loneliness and work.
I will hail you from the other shore. And I will show you so much fucking anger you'll think I'm insane.
