i was in the midst of disabling my account since i want to be done with being in incel forums as it keeps pushing me further into depression.I also recently bought a pair of dumbells with some barbells to begin getting in shape to join the army but 2 days ago i broke down in front of my sister and started crying and even tried to kiss her on the cheek, but she moved her face away and i accidenally kissed her partially on the lips which was my first kiss.It all started when i drove both of us home from doing some grocery shopping and i accidentally backed up into another car with some black woman when i tried to park.The woman pulled up in front of us and called my sister a bitch,so in her defense i called her a bitch as well while my sister told me to shutup.The lady later came out of the car with her phone probably intending to record a confrontation ,she demanded an apology from me but i just started cursing her out and my sister had to placate her by saying i was mentally ill and after a while she conceded and left.I was just stunned how even though i came to my sister's defense she was angry at me for saying anything.She told me that it's dangerous to yell back at these black people especially in the projects because they're crazy and might know people who have guns and this happened close to where we live .I kind of started crying and saying i was sorry,all my loneliness and frustrations from all these years were flowing out of me and this was the first time i cried in years.I ended up hugging and kissing her and she patted my back and told me it was ok and to get some rest.Fast forward two days later,my parents ordered two new sofa's and they were coming today ,so we had to throw our old ones out from the 5th floor with a tiny elevator.So my sister called her black "coworker' and he and I hauled the heavy sofa's downstairs.While i was catching a breath,the guy who I've never spoken to very much before told me "so I've heard you went driving recently" and i just said "yeah" and laughed it off i thought nothing of this phrase until we were done and i went back into my room.Why would he ask me that?Yes,my sister gives me some driving lessons and she might have told him about that before but why would he bring it up now?especially with what happened a couple days ago.I can't help but feel that she told that guy about how i broke down crying and bore all my sadness to her,maybe she even did so mockingly.
I don't know man i just feel so angry and powerless to do anything.If i watched myself in a movie i'd probably say "why doesn't that guy just kill that motherfucker" but when it happens in real life with real consequences,things change.I feel like, even if i one day leave my family and go far away ,i will never be able to outrun my humiliation.
I just needed to vent,i'm probs still disabling my account so you might not hear from me again.
I don't know man i just feel so angry and powerless to do anything.If i watched myself in a movie i'd probably say "why doesn't that guy just kill that motherfucker" but when it happens in real life with real consequences,things change.I feel like, even if i one day leave my family and go far away ,i will never be able to outrun my humiliation.
I just needed to vent,i'm probs still disabling my account so you might not hear from me again.
