- Feb 21, 2020
- 29d 22h 45m
I listen to the same beat on loop over and over again for a couple of hours and go into a literal 2 hour fantasy just staring at a picture of a girl I'm infatuated with on full screen on my monitor. I start off with how we first meet and by the end of the two hours we are on some vacation together doing something like snorkeling etc. I usually do this once a week with a different girl every 2 weeks or so by the time I lose the infatuation and realize I'll never meet her and that she would probably loathe me if we ever met irl and get repulsed. Then I move onto another pic of a girl and another beat and the cycle repeats. I know it is a massive waste of time but in the moment as I fantasize/daydream vivid worlds with her It makes everything feel right for a moment. I get butterflies in my stomach, go through a wide range of emotions and then just nothingness after the usually 2 hour mark where the loneliness just drops on me like an anvil and I ask myself "what the fuck am I even doing" like a post-nut clarity and feel disgusted by myself.