I wish i was still that carefree child who thought the world was meant to be molded into his desired reality. Where just feeling the breeze felt like an abundance of life entering in and out of me. I wish I still woke up everyday thinking this day would be different than the last. I miss the gift of ignorance I had until I reached my teen years. Of course many of you know this all too well. Puberty (12-13) is when the joy of life ended; and with it all of our naive percepetions of it. I guess people react to this revelation in different ways. Some cope(religion being the greatest outlet ever created), some desentize themselves, some actually benefit from it(genetic elite), and some kill themselves. The path I took was desensitization because God forbid someone feels depressed about the ways things are in society. The facade of equal access to happiness that normies and the elites use to placate the populous has no tolerance for such feelings. God forbid a child comes home crying about being bullied for his looks and told to man up and gaslighted into thinking that HE is the problem and not THE WORLD. Anways, I chose to desensitize myself. I come out of it every now then and experience dramatic flunctuations in mood. Saying I had BPD during those episodes would be an understatement. Well, recently I’ve had another episode and I must say this one will stands a good chance of being the final nail in my coffin. The rapid highs full of hope and lows full of despair and nothingness has put me in one of most unstable states have ever been in. I guess the entire point of this is that hope is a deadly thing, idk. I’m so fucked in the head right I’m just stream of consciousnessing this bitch. I hate hope. It lifts you up just to drop you back down. Truth it what we need. Truth is what will bring stability to the world. People need a foundation built on truth to progress, not capricious lies. Where is the stability? Idk. I guess I’ll just try and ride this one out. But, you know, whatever.
