It's Over Having An Existential Crisis|Worst I've Felt in Forever

[DarkStar]

I feel as if I am slowly, slowly cracking mentally and being consumed by just everything: The blackpill, Socio-Cultural/political circumstances currently, past failures I will address here, my ND status which fucked it all up, and so much more.

I've cried a bit recently, first time in years in fact- I also had a breakdown yesterday. Everyday, I want to get out of my pit of wallowing, self-loathing, and perpetual reminiscing over my mistakes but I...I just can't seem to do it: It's as if i'm stuck in this perpetual cycle of being unable to help myself out all, stuck in this loop of being unable to focus on what I can do next, due to the fact that I feel so defeated by my current circumstances caused by bad choices I made in the past and also my current issues.

I sometimes don't even feel like speaking of my issues here, due to the fact that people can't be bothered to read more than a few paragraphs which in this day & age is seen as reading a fucking phd thesis. Not to mention, people on here can genuinely be awful at times, and will use your own personal issues against you simply for the fact you disagree with them on something relating to the blackpill, political, racial, or other issues that arise on here due to the unfortunate fact that this community is among the most divisive ones ever- held together by a very thin thread based around very broad & vague circumstances.

I blame my ND for making everything worse, as I not only have autism but I also very likely have ADHD(albeit a very mild version of it), which in part explains my addictive personality and how I got sucked into this place to begin with and also explains my overall history of substance abuse/self medicating and the "i'll just cut back tomorrow" attitude I had. While I may have been incel and struggled in some aspects socially due to pure lookism, it still served as a hinderance and didn't help things at all: I have some major regrets from college, which are that of not doing as well as I did when I could have done so. I fucked up a major project I had and also neglected socializing with some of the few people I have, in part due to the fact that I felt sort of "disconnected" after taking the blackpill and that I didn't feel I quite fit in, plus I was also tired of seeing the same few people and doing the same few things I did for the past year and a half or so at that point. I got too addicted to overall comfort and the need to escape reality instead of trying to "surf" it like some on my side say "surf the kali yuga" or "ride the tiger" which honestly makes me feel even worse due to the fact that I knew I should have been doing that, but again due to ND/autism I have a poor time preference and inability to plan for the future.

I ended up completely butchering two of the most important classes at college, which I have been hyper-fixating over lately due to the fact that I know I could have done better. I also regret not trying to build connections be it with classmates or professors, which I feel I could have done had I just really pushed myself, especially since this was something not very..."social" if that makes any sense in a way and was more professional. As such, i'm very uncertain about my abilities to succeed.

I feel stuck in a cycle of hopelessness, despair, and just inability to help myself. I keep thinking back on mistakes, and connecting them to my underlying issues which have haunted me no matter where I go since I was young: ADHD which leads to an inability to stick to something, fall into bad habits and patterns, and then ofc leads me to hyperfixate over my issues, struggles, and mistakes I can't move on from.

Currently i'm doing an online cybersecurity course, which I am behind in. I feel worse and worse each passing day, and have feelings of dread, despair, and hopelessness piling up.

I will however, try and end on a positive note:

"Kali Yuga must be conquered within you. The Golden Age will first return to your soul," -Miguel Serrano

 

[Veyron]

extremely brutal but i relate

 

[aryanmikmaq]

I also have autism and ADHD it’s brutal. I also have bad habits and addictive personality.

 

[FriendX]

I hope you do end on a positive note. I'm in Cybersecurity too, and would love to help you out in learning.

 

[AtrociousCitizen]

I got too addicted to overall comfort and the need to escape reality instead of trying to "surf" it like some on my side say

I can relate to this heavily

 

[Chud Norris72]

 

[The Wolf]

sorry to hear that bro

 

[superpsycho]

I also have bad habits and addictive personality.

 

[PersonalityChad]

That's brutal man, I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you will succeed in turning your life around

 

[DarkSneezer]

I don't really know what to say other than I wish you well

 

[Grodd]

Autism is fucking brutal man

 

[Skelly]

I got too addicted to overall comfort and the need to escape reality instead of trying to "surf" it like some on my side say "surf the kali yuga" or "ride the tiger" which honestly makes me feel even worse due to the fact that I knew I should have been doing that

what does that mean?

 

[TimeMachineOrLDAR]

Very relatable, I had undiagnosed ADHD until age 22. Shit makes you behave very self-sabotating, even if you are very well aware. It's brutal to go through school with this shit. I don't want to look back man.

 

[DepravedAndDeprived]

Currently i'm doing an online cybersecurity course

 

[Paladin]

I blame my ND for making everything worse, as I not only have autism but I also very likely have ADHD(albeit a very mild version of it), which in part explains my addictive personality and how I got sucked into this place to begin with and also explains my overall history of substance abuse/self medicating and the "i'll just cut back tomorrow" attitude I had.

I got tested for ADHD as a kid but never got officially diagnosed with it, I was pretty young at the time and I don't remember it at all but my mom told me that she fought against getting me diagnosed because she didn't want me going on medication for it and I was doing pretty well in school at the time so she didn't think of it as being that bad. Ironically she brought up recently that it might be worth it to get an official diagnosis now, I guess she's finally realised how bad all of my underlying issues really are and can't just dismiss them because I seemed to be doing mostly okay on the outside and was ahead for my age academically compared to my peers. All of my issues have just become more apparent over time as I've been pushed by life more. Sucks because getting diagnosed with anything as an adult is way harder than as a kid and I don't think I'll put in the effort to do so even though it annoys me that I don't have an official confirmation of it when it would explain so many things for me.

Pretty sure ADHD and autism also overlap in that if you have one it's more likely that you also have the other. I didn't even get diagnosed with autism until my teachers brought it up to my parents again after them basically dismissing all of my issues and saying that I wasn't that bad because I was still doing well academically and wasn't like the level 2+ autists that I'm guessing she would think of when she heard the term used. One of my teachers brought up to my parents specifically because she assumed I'd get bullied for some of my weird behavior when I went to secondary school and said I'd need some kind of support for that (which I never ended up getting despite getting diagnosed but I don't know how much it would've helped)

Might bring it up to my mom again to see if she can provide any more specific details because I just wish I had full confirmation of whether I have it or not. I relate to the line about getting sucked into this forum because of my neurodivergence, I genuinely think I might have some kind of hyperfixation on this forum especially from when I first joined. I would lurk through old threads and try find out information about old users because I found it really interesting for some reason, same with random aspects of how the forum is laid out (not gonna go into anymore detail here because I feel like I've wrote way too much for a reply like this) I feel like ADHD might be part of the reason I became a sewer shitposter and can't make longer threads even when I want to and feel like I have things to say.

 

[DepravedAndDeprived]

Ironically she brought up recently that it might be worth it to get an official diagnosis now,

jfl how fucking young are you to still rely on your mom for that

 

[Paladin]

jfl how fucking young are you to still rely on your mom for that

20

 

[DepravedAndDeprived]

20

jfl

 

[qplein]

my nigga ik lifes hard n that but im not reading all that, put in chatgpt n tell it to summarize that shit

 

[Hoodpreet]

Now that I look back on it, taking the blackpill sort of cured me of existential crises. I think the ones I had were mostly based on self-blame and the feeling that the lack of meaning in my life was my own creation. Have I made bad decisions? Yes. But we can't ignore the role my objectively poor looks, neurodivergency, and poor upbringing and shitty parents played in dooming me and compromising my mental well-being (thereby impairing my decision-making process).

People make strong judgements on you in mere milliseconds (halo/horn effect), and this coupled with how "normal" you come off (everything about my genes and environment lends to me appearing weird, creepy, and severely undersocialized) plays the biggest role in how effectively you can network. I'd argue that a well-networked person with average academic performance is going to go way further than an isolated social reject with great academic performance. Sure, there were things that were technically in my control that I neglected to address when I should've (like poor grades in high school and college), but my lack of motivation and depression (which I tried and failed to will myself out of) ultimately came from my pessimism over a lack of social prospects and missing developmental milestones, plus OCD that went (still) untreated for going on 22 years because of my third world parents' prejudiced and old-fashioned views on mental health

 

[Hoodpreet]

my nigga ik lifes hard n that but im not reading all that, put in chatgpt n tell it to summarize that shit

This song is a mix of reflection, pain, and defiance. The main message seems to be about wanting to return to a simpler, more genuine time (“back to where it started”), while being trapped in a life shaped by trauma, addiction, violence, and survival.


Key themes:

• Addiction and coping: Both the narrator and people around him use drugs to numb pain from brokenness and loss.
• Struggles with crime and poverty: References to felonies, hustling for money, and violence show how survival is tied up with danger.
• Loneliness and mistrust: Despite being surrounded by people and success (“life of the party”), he feels disconnected, hurt that loyalty isn’t reciprocated.
• Ambition and defiance: He’s determined to keep pushing forward, making money, and protecting himself, even if it means “anything goes.”
• Yearning for roots: The chorus keeps circling back to the desire for authenticity and grounding, contrasted with the chaos of his current lifestyle.

Overall, it’s about the tension between wanting peace and authenticity versus being pulled deeper into cycles of pain, addiction, and street life.


Do you want me to break this down line-by-line in simpler terms, or keep it at this higher-level summary?

 

[qplein]

thank u bro ill read it fully now

 

[Antorian]

I ended up completely butchering two of the most important classes at college, which I have been hyper-fixating over lately due to the fact that I know I could have done better.

Can't you take these two classes again to do better on them?

Sorry bro, existential crisis are awful. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Cuckoja]

Very relatable, im also stuck in overthinking, overanalyzing, self diagnose and self questioning. Where did i do wrong? What did i do wrong? How to do differently the next time? For two months i despaired and fought tears daily. It eases but never passes.

 

[blackpillednigga]

I don't really know what to say other than I wish you well

 

[DoomThreeKoala]

I blame my ND for making everything worse

Same. Non-NT + sub5 = death.

 

[wereq]

I feel as if I am slowly, slowly cracking mentally and being consumed by just everything: The blackpill, Socio-Cultural/political circumstances currently, past failures I will address here, my ND status which fucked it all up, and so much more.

My traumatized mind has completely disintegrated from the burden of my subhumanity, my past failiures in everything, and my inability to lift myself up, so I'm in a comparable spot of helplessness and despair and therefore I don't have have any solutions for you. Though I wish I did. I wish I could uplift all those who are struggling helplessly agains the tide of fate, but I can't.

Everyday, I want to get out of my pit of wallowing, self-loathing, and perpetual reminiscing over my mistakes but I...I just can't seem to do it: It's as if i'm stuck in this perpetual cycle of being unable to help myself out all, stuck in this loop of being unable to focus on what I can do next, due to the fact that I feel so defeated by my current circumstances caused by bad choices I made in the past and also my current issues.

You were set up wrong (like all of us here) and are now being crushed by the weight of determinism and the forces of causality, all of which are acting in unison to drag you (and I as well) into the abyss. None of this is your fault or our fault. Its the fault of the whole system of order.

will use your own personal issues against you simply for the fact you disagree with them on something relating to the blackpill, political, racial, or other issues that arise on here due to the unfortunate fact that this community is among the most divisive ones ever- held together by a very thin thread based around very broad & vague circumstances.

Sorry if I've done this to you.

"surf the kali yuga" or "ride the tiger" which honestly makes me feel even worse due to the fact that I knew I should have been doing that, but again due to ND/autism I have a poor time preference and inability to plan for the future.

That stuff is just inapplicable to subhumans. The Vrillmaxxing neo-nazis who preach that have their audience squarely focused on chads when they use that phrase. That kind of mentality is only possible if you don't have any impairments and possess a high degree of mobility, fast-responsiveness, intelligence, and hyper awareness. You have to be hyper-connected to your environment to meander through the bad stuff with finesse to achieve improbable things.

I ended up completely butchering two of the most important classes at college, which I have been hyper-fixating over lately due to the fact that I know I could have done better.

I used to be like this too, but later I realized these classes are all worthless busy work. If you've been motivated to pursue good grades, it means the system has succeeded in brainwashing you. Real education doesn't come from schooling. It comes from the real world in difficult open-ended and uncertain circumstances.

I keep thinking back on mistakes, and connecting them to my underlying issues which have haunted me no matter where I go since I was young: ADHD which leads to an inability to stick to something, fall into bad habits and patterns, and then ofc leads me to hyperfixate over my issues, struggles, and mistakes I can't move on from.

I have this too. All of this is inherited. I used to blame myself for my fucked up brain chemistry but later came to understand that I am this way because my parents are mentally ill too.

Currently i'm doing an online cybersecurity course, which I am behind in. I feel worse and worse each passing day, and have feelings of dread, despair, and hopelessness piling up.

Yeah I feel this everyday so I know how bad it is for you. Its like trying to climb a very steep and slippery mountain. Every time we try to pick ourselves up, it feels harder and more unyielding than the last time.

 

[Cybersex is our hope]

I feel as if I am slowly, slowly cracking mentally and being consumed by just everything: The blackpill, Socio-Cultural/political circumstances currently, past failures I will address here, my ND status which fucked it all up, and so much more.

I've cried a bit recently, first time in years in fact- I also had a breakdown yesterday. Everyday, I want to get out of my pit of wallowing, self-loathing, and perpetual reminiscing over my mistakes but I...I just can't seem to do it: It's as if i'm stuck in this perpetual cycle of being unable to help myself out all, stuck in this loop of being unable to focus on what I can do next, due to the fact that I feel so defeated by my current circumstances caused by bad choices I made in the past and also my current issues.

I sometimes don't even feel like speaking of my issues here, due to the fact that people can't be bothered to read more than a few paragraphs which in this day & age is seen as reading a fucking phd thesis. Not to mention, people on here can genuinely be awful at times, and will use your own personal issues against you simply for the fact you disagree with them on something relating to the blackpill, political, racial, or other issues that arise on here due to the unfortunate fact that this community is among the most divisive ones ever- held together by a very thin thread based around very broad & vague circumstances.

I blame my ND for making everything worse, as I not only have autism but I also very likely have ADHD(albeit a very mild version of it), which in part explains my addictive personality and how I got sucked into this place to begin with and also explains my overall history of substance abuse/self medicating and the "i'll just cut back tomorrow" attitude I had. While I may have been incel and struggled in some aspects socially due to pure lookism, it still served as a hinderance and didn't help things at all: I have some major regrets from college, which are that of not doing as well as I did when I could have done so. I fucked up a major project I had and also neglected socializing with some of the few people I have, in part due to the fact that I felt sort of "disconnected" after taking the blackpill and that I didn't feel I quite fit in, plus I was also tired of seeing the same few people and doing the same few things I did for the past year and a half or so at that point. I got too addicted to overall comfort and the need to escape reality instead of trying to "surf" it like some on my side say "surf the kali yuga" or "ride the tiger" which honestly makes me feel even worse due to the fact that I knew I should have been doing that, but again due to ND/autism I have a poor time preference and inability to plan for the future.

I ended up completely butchering two of the most important classes at college, which I have been hyper-fixating over lately due to the fact that I know I could have done better. I also regret not trying to build connections be it with classmates or professors, which I feel I could have done had I just really pushed myself, especially since this was something not very..."social" if that makes any sense in a way and was more professional. As such, i'm very uncertain about my abilities to succeed.

I feel stuck in a cycle of hopelessness, despair, and just inability to help myself. I keep thinking back on mistakes, and connecting them to my underlying issues which have haunted me no matter where I go since I was young: ADHD which leads to an inability to stick to something, fall into bad habits and patterns, and then ofc leads me to hyperfixate over my issues, struggles, and mistakes I can't move on from.

Currently i'm doing an online cybersecurity course, which I am behind in. I feel worse and worse each passing day, and have feelings of dread, despair, and hopelessness piling up.

I will however, try and end on a positive note:

"Kali Yuga must be conquered within you. The Golden Age will first return to your soul," -Miguel Serrano

lol same for me. I am perceiving the world becoming worse and worse but at the same time nothing ever happens to end it

 

[VλREN]

Everyday is a Existential Crisis for me

 

[VλREN]

I can’t break the fall

 

[ToBurble&Pine]

Everyday is a Existential Crisis for me

Autism is fucking brutal man

 

[Leon98]

Same. Non-NT + sub5 = death.

 

[TheRotKing]

I relate, i feel like that everday. Hope it gets better for you!

 

[DarkStar]

I can relate to this heavily

Yup. This is another fucking effect of my ADHD and also my overall incompetence at everything

I want to give myself another shot to redeem myself, I fucking hate how I became. I didn't fucking improve in learning or keeping to a schedule

Very relatable, I had undiagnosed ADHD until age 22. Shit makes you behave very self-sabotating, even if you are very well aware. It's brutal to go through school with this shit. I don't want to look back man.

I can't stop looking back, that's another side effect of this bullshit system

I deserve to do it again but this time with methods to cope and to refocus myself

Can't you take these two classes again to do better on them?

Sorry bro, existential crisis are awful. I hope things get better for you.

I want to re-take them, I need to redeem myself and feel like I can accomplish something

That's brutal man, I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you will succeed in turning your life around

Thanks, I appreciate it

I hope I can and will succeed, I need to change shit for my own sake

I got tested for ADHD as a kid but never got officially diagnosed with it, I was pretty young at the time and I don't remember it at all but my mom told me that she fought against getting me diagnosed because she didn't want me going on medication for it and I was doing pretty well in school at the time so she didn't think of it as being that bad.

Yup ofc, a foid fucked something up- what would i expect?

Ironically she brought up recently that it might be worth it to get an official diagnosis now, I guess she's finally realised how bad all of my underlying issues really are and can't just dismiss them because I seemed to be doing mostly okay on the outside and was ahead for my age academically compared to my peers.

I only did well in HS when they made sure I wasn't getting side-tracked at all

ADHD makes you self-destructive and self-sabotage even if you know it

All of my issues have just become more apparent over time as I've been pushed by life more. Sucks because getting diagnosed with anything as an adult is way harder than as a kid and I don't think I'll put in the effort to do so even though it annoys me that I don't have an official confirmation of it when it would explain so many things for me.

I have to wait five fucking weeks for a diagnosis

Pretty sure ADHD and autism also overlap in that if you have one it's more likely that you also have the other.

Yeah ofc, everything comes in a "package"

I didn't even get diagnosed with autism until my teachers brought it up to my parents again after them basically dismissing all of my issues and saying that I wasn't that bad because I was still doing well academically and wasn't like the level 2+ autists that I'm guessing she would think of when she heard the term used. One of my teachers brought up to my parents specifically because she assumed I'd get bullied for some of my weird behavior when I went to secondary school and said I'd need some kind of support for that (which I never ended up getting despite getting diagnosed but I don't know how much it would've helped)

Parents just don't want to face the truth sadly

Might bring it up to my mom again to see if she can provide any more specific details because I just wish I had full confirmation of whether I have it or not. I relate to the line about getting sucked into this forum because of my neurodivergence, I genuinely think I might have some kind of hyperfixation on this forum especially from when I first joined.

100% here, I think the fact when I joined it was objectively better and I felt more accepted combined with the "honeymoon" era led me to

I would lurk through old threads and try find out information about old users because I found it really interesting for some reason, same with random aspects of how the forum is laid out (not gonna go into anymore detail here because I feel like I've wrote way too much for a reply like this) I feel like ADHD might be part of the reason I became a sewer shitposter and can't make longer threads even when I want to and feel like I have things to say.

I think making long threads ties into it for me, since I liked discussing the topics here: Blackpill, race realism, philosophy, everything

I need to get medicated

 

[DarkStar]

My traumatized mind has completely disintegrated from the burden of my subhumanity, my past failiures in everything, and my inability to lift myself up, so I'm in a comparable spot of helplessness and despair and therefore I don't have have any solutions for you. Though I wish I did. I wish I could uplift all those who are struggling helplessly agains the tide of fate, but I can't.

Same here, I just hope I can fix things for myself

You were set up wrong (like all of us here) and are now being crushed by the weight of determinism and the forces of causality, all of which are acting in unison to drag you (and I as well) into the abyss. None of this is your fault or our fault. Its the fault of the whole system of order.

I was born via IVF, in the worst possible time in human history- imagine how I feel? Existence is a fucking joke for me atp

Sorry if I've done this to you.

I'm kinda upset still about the thing you said about college, I could have done better and I know it but my

That stuff is just inapplicable to subhumans. The Vrillmaxxing neo-nazis who preach that have their audience squarely focused on chads when they use that phrase. That kind of mentality is only possible if you don't have any impairments and possess a high degree of mobility, fast-responsiveness, intelligence, and hyper awareness. You have to be hyper-connected to your environment to meander through the bad stuff with finesse to achieve improbable things.

I don't care, I just need to change shit for myself

I can't despair this much, i'm only digging the hole deeper for myself

I used to be like this too, but later I realized these classes are all worthless busy work. If you've been motivated to pursue good grades, it means the system has succeeded in brainwashing you. Real education doesn't come from schooling. It comes from the real world in difficult open-ended and uncertain circumstances.

I agree: However, I just also want to know I can master myself. That i can succeed despite my issues

 

[DarkStar]

I relate, i feel like that everday. Hope it gets better for you!

I don't really know what to say other than I wish you well

sorry to hear that bro

Thanks guys, I appreciate it

I'm gonna do what I can to save myself

 

[TimeMachineOrLDAR]

I can't stop looking back, that's another side effect of this bullshit system

I deserve to do it again but this time with methods to cope and to refocus myself

Yeah veryrelatable. I don't want to look back, but it's impossible not to. Will never get over it.

 

[wereq]

I was born via IVF, in the worst possible time in human history- imagine how I feel? Existence is a fucking joke for me atp

I know how you feel. Even though I wasn't born from IVF, I was born to geriatric parents who are much more subhuman than yours in an era of hyper competition, degeneracy, and all around insanity.

I'm gonna do what I can to save myself

There is no other path for us. We have to try against all odds despite high risk of failure.

 

[DarkStar]

Guys, I need to turn my life around