I grew up with a single mom, only seeing my dad once every week/month. He cheated on mom, and had a child with the other woman. I've never met my half-sister and his side of the family are basically strangers to me. He then went broke and my mom decided to let him not pay alimony after a couple of years. This is very nice of her, but I believe it left a deep psychological fear in him. He was a very weak father figure. He would always tell me mom makes all the decisions even if she was delusional/irrational. He must've feared the alimony hanging over his head. Piss mom off once and his life is over, even if she wouldn't necessarily do that.
I never held anything against him, or mom for that matter, but I find that my mom is pretty unintelligent and dad is decently intelligent. I only saw him for a couple of hours every month, and most of our talks were buddy-buddy. I never had anyone to talk to about my thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Not on a serious and consistent level. I have never had a mentor, a life teacher or even just a masculine figure in my life. That is probably why I am such a doormat for everyone, why I can't communicate, express my thoughts, stand up for myself. I can't form a complicated sentence when speaking, I only talk in about 6 words at a time. Any more and I feel like I am bothering the other person and my thoughts get scrambled. I needed to be a troubled child if I wanted to break out and develop into a man, instead I was perfectly behaved, molded by the weak world-view of women.
I want to be a father so bad. Ever since I was 18 I've had crazy baby fever. I know I would be a great dad. I know all the things I would tell my children to do/not to do. I know what they need in order to be happy, not confused, loved. And they will never even exist.
Have you had a mentor you could talk to?
I never held anything against him, or mom for that matter, but I find that my mom is pretty unintelligent and dad is decently intelligent. I only saw him for a couple of hours every month, and most of our talks were buddy-buddy. I never had anyone to talk to about my thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Not on a serious and consistent level. I have never had a mentor, a life teacher or even just a masculine figure in my life. That is probably why I am such a doormat for everyone, why I can't communicate, express my thoughts, stand up for myself. I can't form a complicated sentence when speaking, I only talk in about 6 words at a time. Any more and I feel like I am bothering the other person and my thoughts get scrambled. I needed to be a troubled child if I wanted to break out and develop into a man, instead I was perfectly behaved, molded by the weak world-view of women.
I want to be a father so bad. Ever since I was 18 I've had crazy baby fever. I know I would be a great dad. I know all the things I would tell my children to do/not to do. I know what they need in order to be happy, not confused, loved. And they will never even exist.
Have you had a mentor you could talk to?
