BlkPillPres
Self-banned
-
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2018
- Posts
- 19,752
Have you ever been so depressed, that you were somewhat afraid to go to sleep, because it feels like your body would just let you die in your sleep from the state of mind you were in, like a biological response to your depression?
I feel like I would fade away in my sleep right now if I went to bed, like I have to regulate my dopamine levels
I know this sounds weird and paranoid as hell JFL (all me to elaborate on why I think this)
This level of depression happens every once in a while (its rare for me, feels extremely more "potent" than my regular levels of depression), its the weirdest shit, there was a time I was in the middle of crossing the road and I just felt like stopping, and there wasn't this feeling of excitement or anxiety, I felt tired, fatigued, but calm, at peace, I basically had to push myself to keep walking. One time I was at work and walking to go somewhere to finish some task, and I was basically stopped in my tracks, another time it was on my way walking to work
Its this weird experience I can't ever truly explain with just words, if you've experienced it you understand it, it feels like your body is just shutting down, everything that you do, there is a REASON behind it, and that reason is the source of your "drive", this kind of depression takes away all reason, you don't feel like you have a reason to do anything, so you don't, you just stop dead in your tracks, like a toy robot that just had its batteries forcibly removed mid-movement, and you just stand there with this dead stare, people walk by and you'll pull your phone out and look at it or something to paint an illusion, biding your time to build up your composure, to push yourself to move again
As I sit here typing the "wave" has passed and my depression has returned to normal levels, so it feels "safe" to sleep, so I guess this is good night
I fear as time goes on I'm reaching a point of no return, not one that leads to suicide, but one that alters my goals and motives, the more this emptiness builds, the more I feel like the only way I'll ever feel satisfied is if I burn the entire world to ashes and destroy everything, if things keep up as they are, there'll be nothing I'll see as worth living for, I won't even be able to enjoy entertainment, it feels like I'm in a race against time to defeat myself, trying to build an enjoyable life before I reach the point where I'm so bitter and numb to everything that nothing is really enjoyable anymore, and the only thing that can compensate my loss is exponentially greater loss
I feel like I would fade away in my sleep right now if I went to bed, like I have to regulate my dopamine levels
I know this sounds weird and paranoid as hell JFL (all me to elaborate on why I think this)
This level of depression happens every once in a while (its rare for me, feels extremely more "potent" than my regular levels of depression), its the weirdest shit, there was a time I was in the middle of crossing the road and I just felt like stopping, and there wasn't this feeling of excitement or anxiety, I felt tired, fatigued, but calm, at peace, I basically had to push myself to keep walking. One time I was at work and walking to go somewhere to finish some task, and I was basically stopped in my tracks, another time it was on my way walking to work
Its this weird experience I can't ever truly explain with just words, if you've experienced it you understand it, it feels like your body is just shutting down, everything that you do, there is a REASON behind it, and that reason is the source of your "drive", this kind of depression takes away all reason, you don't feel like you have a reason to do anything, so you don't, you just stop dead in your tracks, like a toy robot that just had its batteries forcibly removed mid-movement, and you just stand there with this dead stare, people walk by and you'll pull your phone out and look at it or something to paint an illusion, biding your time to build up your composure, to push yourself to move again
As I sit here typing the "wave" has passed and my depression has returned to normal levels, so it feels "safe" to sleep, so I guess this is good night
I fear as time goes on I'm reaching a point of no return, not one that leads to suicide, but one that alters my goals and motives, the more this emptiness builds, the more I feel like the only way I'll ever feel satisfied is if I burn the entire world to ashes and destroy everything, if things keep up as they are, there'll be nothing I'll see as worth living for, I won't even be able to enjoy entertainment, it feels like I'm in a race against time to defeat myself, trying to build an enjoyable life before I reach the point where I'm so bitter and numb to everything that nothing is really enjoyable anymore, and the only thing that can compensate my loss is exponentially greater loss