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Serious Have You Ever Felt This Depressed

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BlkPillPres

BlkPillPres

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Have you ever been so depressed, that you were somewhat afraid to go to sleep, because it feels like your body would just let you die in your sleep from the state of mind you were in, like a biological response to your depression?

I feel like I would fade away in my sleep right now if I went to bed, like I have to regulate my dopamine levels

I know this sounds weird and paranoid as hell JFL (all me to elaborate on why I think this)

This level of depression happens every once in a while (its rare for me, feels extremely more "potent" than my regular levels of depression), its the weirdest shit, there was a time I was in the middle of crossing the road and I just felt like stopping, and there wasn't this feeling of excitement or anxiety, I felt tired, fatigued, but calm, at peace, I basically had to push myself to keep walking. One time I was at work and walking to go somewhere to finish some task, and I was basically stopped in my tracks, another time it was on my way walking to work

Its this weird experience I can't ever truly explain with just words, if you've experienced it you understand it, it feels like your body is just shutting down, everything that you do, there is a REASON behind it, and that reason is the source of your "drive", this kind of depression takes away all reason, you don't feel like you have a reason to do anything, so you don't, you just stop dead in your tracks, like a toy robot that just had its batteries forcibly removed mid-movement, and you just stand there with this dead stare, people walk by and you'll pull your phone out and look at it or something to paint an illusion, biding your time to build up your composure, to push yourself to move again

As I sit here typing the "wave" has passed and my depression has returned to normal levels, so it feels "safe" to sleep, so I guess this is good night

I fear as time goes on I'm reaching a point of no return, not one that leads to suicide, but one that alters my goals and motives, the more this emptiness builds, the more I feel like the only way I'll ever feel satisfied is if I burn the entire world to ashes and destroy everything, if things keep up as they are, there'll be nothing I'll see as worth living for, I won't even be able to enjoy entertainment, it feels like I'm in a race against time to defeat myself, trying to build an enjoyable life before I reach the point where I'm so bitter and numb to everything that nothing is really enjoyable anymore, and the only thing that can compensate my loss is exponentially greater loss
 
Pinkett Mouse

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I'm usually the opposite, so depressed I need to go to sleep just to escape it. Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.
Same but pretty afraid of my dreams actually.
 
ManletHalfCurry

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Yes, I have, sometimes I will sleep for days at a time, not even moving to eat or drink just pure LDAR. As if my body has just given up.
 
Billowel

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once when i was 6 there was this little carnival parade going on and there were cars embellished with all sorts of things.They all went very slowly but most of them were well separated from one another.I walked to the middle of the road and simply stood there.I thought what if i die here?But i didn't budge.I guess i was curious and extremely tired.
 
Insomniac

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I don’t mind dying in my sleep tbh. Sounds like the best way to go
Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.
 
BlkPillPres

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I'm usually the opposite, so depressed I need to go to sleep just to escape it. Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.

If I die, I can't get my revenge

That's probably the only reason I haven't ended it already
 
Deleted member 17997

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I'm usually the opposite, so depressed I need to go to sleep just to escape it. Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.
This tbh
 
NoCopeNoHope

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Can't say I have tbh. I believe suicide now won't change anything, and my sacrifice will probably be needed for something later. My depression comes in waves, but I cope with tech and escorts.
 
IronMike

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I'm usually the opposite, so depressed I need to go to sleep just to escape it. Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.
 
Deleted member 20659

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It feels like your body is just shutting down, everything that you do, there is a REASON behind it, and that reason is the source of your "drive", this kind of depression takes away all reason
"The life of all beings, without exception, is ruled by a primordial Force deep inside them. The nature of this force is craving: an appetite that is never satisfied, an endless restlessness, an irresistible need, and a blind, wild yearning."
"The human race does not know it. A providential natural law keeps it hidden from their consciousness through the illusory spectacle of material phenomena, of solid reality, without which there would be no rest or peace in their lives."
I was in the middle of crossing the road and I just felt like stopping, and there wasn't this feeling of excitement or anxiety, I felt tired, fatigued, but calm, at peace, I basically had to push myself to keep walking.
"Look out for It. It reveals itself, for example, at all times of sudden danger. It may be a speeding car rushing toward you, when you walk absentmindedly; or the opening of a yawning crevice in the earth under your feet; a flameless burning coal, or an electrified object that you have touched inadvertently."
These are from Introduction to Magic, by Evola (section on Knowledge of the Waters). You seem to be referring this same type of experience, except in your case, this inner light, will to live, seems to be dimming.
 
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I'm usually the opposite, so depressed I need to go to sleep just to escape it. Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.

Yeah this
Sleeping is the only time I’m happy
 
Deleted member 11032

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Have you ever been so depressed, that you were somewhat afraid to go to sleep, because it feels like your body would just let you die in your sleep from the state of mind you were in, like a biological response to your depression?

I feel like I would fade away in my sleep right now if I went to bed, like I have to regulate my dopamine levels

I know this sounds weird and paranoid as hell JFL (all me to elaborate on why I think this)

This level of depression happens every once in a while (its rare for me, feels extremely more "potent" than my regular levels of depression), its the weirdest shit, there was a time I was in the middle of crossing the road and I just felt like stopping, and there wasn't this feeling of excitement or anxiety, I felt tired, fatigued, but calm, at peace, I basically had to push myself to keep walking. One time I was at work and walking to go somewhere to finish some task, and I was basically stopped in my tracks, another time it was on my way walking to work

Its this weird experience I can't ever truly explain with just words, if you've experienced it you understand it, it feels like your body is just shutting down, everything that you do, there is a REASON behind it, and that reason is the source of your "drive", this kind of depression takes away all reason, you don't feel like you have a reason to do anything, so you don't, you just stop dead in your tracks, like a toy robot that just had its batteries forcibly removed mid-movement, and you just stand there with this dead stare, people walk by and you'll pull your phone out and look at it or something to paint an illusion, biding your time to build up your composure, to push yourself to move again

As I sit here typing the "wave" has passed and my depression has returned to normal levels, so it feels "safe" to sleep, so I guess this is good night

I fear as time goes on I'm reaching a point of no return, not one that leads to suicide, but one that alters my goals and motives, the more this emptiness builds, the more I feel like the only way I'll ever feel satisfied is if I burn the entire world to ashes and destroy everything, if things keep up as they are, there'll be nothing I'll see as worth living for, I won't even be able to enjoy entertainment, it feels like I'm in a race against time to defeat myself, trying to build an enjoyable life before I reach the point where I'm so bitter and numb to everything that nothing is really enjoyable anymore, and the only thing that can compensate my loss is exponentially greater loss
Beautiful post. I shall fap to it later.
 
Vermilioncore

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At this point I don't even care about revenge. I just want the suffering to be over. Its over for many men, why can't it be over for our suffering too?
 
BlkPillPres

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"The life of all beings, without exception, is ruled by a primordial Force deep inside them. The nature of this force is craving: an appetite that is never satisfied, an endless restlessness, an irresistible need, and a blind, wild yearning."
"The human race does not know it. A providential natural law keeps it hidden from their consciousness through the illusory spectacle of material phenomena, of solid reality, without which there would be no rest or peace in their lives."

"Look out for It. It reveals itself, for example, at all times of sudden danger. It may be a speeding car rushing toward you, when you walk absentmindedly; or the opening of a yawning crevice in the earth under your feet; a flameless burning coal, or an electrified object that you have touched inadvertently."
These are from Introduction to Magic, by Evola (section on Knowledge of the Waters). You seem to be referring this same type of experience, except in your case, this inner light, will to live, seems to be dimming.

Interesting post, I'll maybe look into that book
 
tulasdanslos

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Definitely, and I'm strongly against dying in my sleep for the reason you've explained earlier. I even make a point to look at the light from my alarm clock so I don't feel like my brain is going to shut down and I'm going to shift slowly into non-existence.
 
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I think I get what you mean, but I haven't experienced that kind of depression
 
BlkPillPres

BlkPillPres

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At this point I don't even care about revenge. I just want the suffering to be over. Its over for many men, why can't it be over for our suffering too?

The reason you gave up on revenge is because you don't think its feasible, it feels out of your reach, if an opportunity presented itself your vigor would instantly return

Lets do one of those extreme cliche examples

You get your hands on that fabled suitcase the US president has access to that has the ability to utilize all of the US nuclear arsenal, with all the access codes needed, instantly all your vigor would return, all your plans for revenge would come back

I understand this feeling you have all too well, a mass shooting probably wouldn't feel like "enough" for you, it has to be something world breaking for it to satisfy you, and because no such thing is feasible, you've given up entirely on revenge

I can't do that just yet, because there is something feasible, there are a good few plans that are feasible, only when I have concluded that they are completely and forever out of my reach, can I give up on revenge
 
happiless

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I'm usually the opposite, so depressed I need to go to sleep just to escape it. Wouldn't be afraid of not waking up because I couldn't care less if I didn't honestly.
 
mcfroggy

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I sleep to not have to experience those moments.
 
Mainländer

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No. With me it's the contrary, I want to go sleep and wish I could sleep more.
 
Deleted member 19756

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The reason you gave up on revenge is because you don't think its feasible, it feels out of your reach, if an opportunity presented itself your vigor would instantly return

Lets do one of those extreme cliche examples

You get your hands on that fabled suitcase the US president has access to that has the ability to utilize all of the US nuclear arsenal, with all the access codes needed, instantly all your vigor would return, all your plans for revenge would come back

I understand this feeling you have all too well, a mass shooting probably wouldn't feel like "enough" for you, it has to be something world breaking for it to satisfy you, and because no such thing is feasible, you've given up entirely on revenge

I can't do that just yet, because there is something feasible, there are a good few plans that are feasible, only when I have concluded that they are completely and forever out of my reach, can I give up on revenge
I assume this is why many mass shooters don't kill themselves afterwards. For the first time in their lives they feel powerful. Unfortunately, it won't last for when they are getting pounded by Tyrone.
 
V

virgin4life

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Have you ever been so depressed, that you were somewhat afraid to go to sleep, because it feels like your body would just let you die in your sleep from the state of mind you were in, like a biological response to your depression?

I have been so depressed that I thought that my body would let me die from the state of my mind when I go to sleep and it gave me a warm and comforting feeling. I actually prayed to God that in case he existed he would please stop my heart at night. And I did this for about 2 years every night.
 
Speedloader

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No. I find peace in sleep
 

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