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Venting Genuine frustration after spending so much time trying to be better and change. Can't help but feel sadness becoming anger as I fail at everything.

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SlutLiberationFront

SlutLiberationFront

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Hi, SLF once again with a typical thread of mine. A bit of venting, and getting out of the sewers spams for a real discussion.

Once again I tried my best, for the 12nd year to be better, do something, only to result in more frustration. No matter how much I try to change attitude just to do small tasks and go towards small goals, no matter how positive and solid I try to stay, I am always brought back to a bottom deeper than before.

A lot of time spent just preparing myself to do the things that I had in mind, to no avail. After all the preparation, the practical phase began, only for me to once again see that all my efforts will always never be enough or change anything.
I got into reading, tried watching a bunch of stuff just expanding more and more a bit of trivial knowledge and points of view in so many different things, once again I restarted my abandoned plans, everything I wanted. Minutes would become hours, hours would become days, weeks to months... months to years of continuous failures.

I have been trying to do anything I can do learn, in different ways, tutors, I tried things by myself, but nothing ever helps, nothing ever works. I keep imagining that if I don't come of as someone who can't get anything done, at least I will have the least amount of respect, and having my own family trashtalking me and laughing and joking about me TO ME right in my face does not help. I just have to shut myself in and live as a shadow. I live in the mere shadow from the existence of my family. @Zer0/∞ unfortunately relates to this too well.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't seen so much of people and cultures, as sometimes, the more you see and gather from it all, the more you wish you didn't. Sometimes I wish I didn't even know what is the "outside world" and how it eats you alive. How many times, how many years do you have to fail at literally every thing you try to do or learn to just say "I've had enough, my life is going nowhere and will just remain stagnant. Enough of trying if I have tried too much and failed every time"?

I couldn't pay attention to anything even forcing myself to the maximum to do it and absorb things. I couldn't even hold attention during breaks with entertainment. So, I would just try to relax and do my best to clear my mind and go back to "trying to fucking do any fucking thing I can to have something I can call life".

But, this time, I would not give up so easily. I had been trying harder than ever, more than ever, only to result in the most frustrating experiences ever. Not only losing all that was left of what could barely be called sanity, but also time, and money. I can't help but feel like everything is closing in and some kind of monster is approaching to destroy me, as always happens in dreams. I can't have peace or rest even when I sleep. I can't stay a single night without waking up from a nightmare to another nightmare, reality. I can't have a single night of resting, without waking up in complete dread, or just to go on and have a panic attack from everything being so convoluted and mixing so much reality with the surreal, imaginary.

I've never felt so frustrated, sad, lost, abandoned to my own madness that has formed in my head after so many failures for so many years, and everything turning to an incredible, never-before-seen level of anger, to the point of snapping the fuck out and breaking my whole room and not even knowing how long I spent doing it, only knowing how much I physically hurt myself in the process.

To quote one my recent threads about it, in my home in the sewers:
Seeing where my life is going where I have been taken to, realising that every choice I've ever made lead me to where I am now and there was no way for it to be different no matter what, because apparently some curse has been set on me before I was born.

Things just kept coming to my mind and torture me, all I could feel these years was sadness and an inexplicable sense of loss, but all that slowly turns to anger, and today it reached a breaking point. I thought so much and got ravaged by so many of these thoughts and disasters, all the excruciating humiliation that my whole life and character are, just made me competely snap out.

I must have spent about 40 minutes breaking my room. Keys from my keyboard are missing, I broke so many things I don't even really know much I've broke, injuried my hands and they hurt like hell, my right hand is completely fucked up and lost skin in several parts and it bled a lot and washing and applying alcohol to it later was torture, but I had to clean it.

All that I have felt, finally become complete, pure, total anger with nothing more to it. All the other things still exist, but the primary thing I can feel for the last hour has been pure anger.
Fucking NPCs will never get this shit. Just be positive, just think about good things.
Yeah yeah yeah. Totally works, works so much that the whole world is a fucking chaos and falling apart along with the people in it and their whole lives.

If anything, thinking about good things will just make you worse when you realise you can never have any of that no matter what. Thinking about any of it is nothing more than torture, because you keep visualizing things that either are far gone in the past, or things you strived for and you know you can't achieve no matter how far you go or how hard you try.

Great fucking help.

Very few things are on par with having to live as simply being "incapable" of accomplishing anything, even small tasks. You can't really blame a person that had every feeling being mixed and turned into pure anger after so many years of things like this, when you end up with nowhere to run and no options to take.

I can't even cope with anything, no distractions work and I just lay on my bed or sit in the chair and rot. I'm simply breathing, stuck without the capacity of doing anything and moving my life to a simple point of start, because I don't call rotting living.

My preparation was simple and based on my previous experiences and advices from several videos about preparing and arranging everything to study and manage your time, goals, tasks, and so on. I could not do the smallest tasks. I've reached a point of total incapacity to do anything other than just breathing and see no way out. I just sat here or got out there to try things going to no avail every time as I had different ideas and plans.

When you feel so unaccomplished without the capacity of doing anything, you can experience every feeling you have being mixed, fused and transforming into pure rage, and combined with social experiences you can come to a point where you understand why @ERadicator @bigantennaemay1 @Mentally lost cel focus a lot on the anger they feel, and I can't help but feel the same, because all that I had seemingly fused together to form a single, colossal monolithic monument that is consisted of pure rage, hatred, towards people who put you down, and disappointing yourself, blaming yourself for having the slightest hope and then watching it fade away as your dreams are erased before your eyes, as you see everything you want, or ever strived for, is just unreachable and inaccessible.

  • The following section is a mere draft of a thread I had saved from 20 days ago when I first tried to describe what I was feeling, but I couldn't even continue to type everything, I just ran out of every motivation to do anything.

I have reached the absolute breaking-point and nothing can hold me back anymore and I'm getting prepared for it. I've been postponing all my plans because of little sparkles of hope, but I can't do it anymore, and because of that, the writing of my manifesto will probably he a shitshow because I didn't have the time, because of the thoughts that something somehow would change and I would have a chance to have a life instead of just rotting in mysery and loneliness, and always being shut down no matter who I try to talk to.

No interest for anything, all the friends from childhood I wanted to talk to can't be reached and they couldn't care less, or they are mostly dead. Other people I got to talk to got tired of my vents in a matter of hours. Had tremendous arguments with my mom who is the only person that actually matters for me, the only people I thought I had by my side who had been in-game with me for well over a decade split up and started to antagonize me.

I have tried really hard to do something just to lose all the money I had trying to make more money. I have tried to study anything to no avail simply because I'm unable to learn and absorb information. I have tried to cope with anything I can think of, and nothing worked in any way, no food, no movies, series, games, videos, activities, nothing. I can't proceed. I won't proceed to live a life stuck in a mental state that is an opressive prison where all your anxieties, all your fears and failrues look at you from every corner, every angle and never let you rest, physically and mentally. I have already tried everything that I could think of, everything that has been suggested.

  • It's not a fucking phase, it's been my entire life.

A few hours ago I came back in to the forum just to see what was going on, see my inbox and that type of stuff. I was already at an all-time low that I never thought it would someday be possible. Turns out, that later on, it got worse, much worse. It truly gives meaning to "nothing is so bad it can't get worse". That's all I've been experiencing continuously, every time sinking deeper into worse and worse days and state of mind. Every day I thought I had the worst day ever, just to some day later for everything to get much worse. These last months have been the toughest ever, and these last weeks have been absolutely suffocating, and the last days were just too much for a single life to take.

The helplessness is indescribable. I have nothing to hold on to at this point, nothing learn on, people, nothing.

I don't know why my life take such a downhill turn since the beginning. Why did it go so wrong? Why did all of a sudden it started to gradually get even worse, to the point I couldn't be in peace even sleeping, the only gateway to escape reality?​

My feelings right now are of being watched by every corner, from everywhere, and all my fears, anxieties, regrets, failures, all the dread and despair that I have endured my whole life suddenly gained a physical form and I am inside an oppressive, imposing and intimidating, all concrete-made panopticon.

If you don't know what a panopticon is, it's... this:

72717458

  • The difference is that many people are watched from the tower by a single person. In my case, I am in the tower being watched by many, from everywhere, by all that has gone wrong, every ghost of failure that I carry inside me, all that had a place in my life and made it go downhill, take unexpected turns to culminate in what it is today. They have been watching every move from me, seemingly waiting for the next perfect moment to attack and and my life even worse.

Things have gone so wrong that the only explanation sometimes is that there is some kind of supernatural force or some kind of curse following me until I die. I don't have words to express anymore. I don't have anything that gives me any sort of value. It's not a phase, it's not just a moment or temporary, this has been going my whole life.

  • There is really no way out, there never was. Every word, every step taken, very decision, every move, every breath, took me to this moment. My life has finally crossed a threshold that I thought had been crossed multiple times in irreversible ways, but every time I thought that was it, it just kept getting worse.
It came to a point where I questioned everything, reality, any possibly existing deity or higher energy/consciousness, how such thing could be possible or what would even be the purpose of such dreadful experience of existence. How can I fail at, just, everything that I have ever tried?

  • You can't be positive or think about good things if you don't have good moments or things to remember and think about. You can't "just be positive" if from the ground up, top to bottom, everything surrounding you or your whole life, your whole self being is an extreme negative?

  • And I ask you, how do you not dive into complete insanity, frustration, anger, mysery, sadness, helplessness when everything you can feel and experience is a dreadful, inescapable reality, and that is the only thing that you will ever know and never be able to get out of after trying so much, for so long and always failing?​

There has to be an "enough" point where you just decide you have tried enough, you have had enough, you have failed enough, you have clear signs it's not going anywhere, nothing is going to change, and your reality is simply a convoluted existential nightmare, with no end in sight.
What should bring joy, brings rage, as it does not work, what should bring fulfillment, brings boredom, what should be a rest, a break, turns into another nightmare when you are already trying to escape the nightmare of existence and reality.

  • And then I ask anyone, how can anyone be positive or motivated to do anything all while going through all this, always being invalidated, all efforts never giving results, no goals are ever achieved no matter how small or how much I try to break them down to make everything easier, more friendly, when it doesn't matter what you do, you can't ever escape from what you feel, and the most you can get out of it are just a few seconds when you laugh at something you found funny just to forget it and be back to before all over again?​
  • How to stay afloat when everything keeps dragging you deeper into an abyss and you can't escape because what drags you is much stronger, when everyone's lives you see is working out in a way or another, they are making it, even if slowly, while no matter what you do you always stay stagnant, stuck, or just devolving into more and more despair, hopelessness without ever thriving?​

It's not doable.
 
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Incelius Savage

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I can relate so much to this. Only its my family holding me back, not myself.
 
IncelKing

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Genuinely wondering if your life is really that intolerable, why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

Not saying that you should kill yourself, but isn’t death and the subsequent peace of eternal nothingness a better alternative to rotting away for many years in an existence full of pain and suffering?

Why do you torture yourself by staying alive? If you know there’s no hope and that things will never change, that things will never get better, then suicide is the only logical option, taking your own life is the final act of showing mercy to yourself.
 
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SlutLiberationFront

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Genuinely wondering if your life is really that intolerable, why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

Not saying that you should kill yourself, but isn’t death and the subsequent peace of eternal nothingness a better alternative to rotting away for many years in an existence full of pain and suffering?

Why do you torture yourself by staying alive? If you know there’s no hope and that things will never change, things will never improve or get better, suicide is more of an act of mercy upon yourself
I talked about it in another thread in the sewers in a more in-depth view, but I didn't feel like quoting it in this thread.
 
IncelKing

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I talked about it in another thread in the sewers in a more in-depth view, but I didn't feel like quoting it in this thread.

Maybe you can PM me the link to that thread?
 
Praise the Sun

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Genuinely wondering if your life is really that intolerable, why haven’t you killed yourself yet?

Not saying that you should kill yourself, but isn’t death and the subsequent peace of eternal nothingness a better alternative to rotting away for many years in an existence full of pain and suffering?

Why do you torture yourself by staying alive? If you know there’s no hope and that things will never change, that things will never get better, then suicide is the only logical option, taking your own life is the final act of showing mercy to yourself.
The hell you know is better than the hell you don't know.
 
Cope_Time

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Read every word.

It's actually funny when you think about it, so much shit had gone bad in our lives that, it can't be coincidence, no normie had ever lived like me, it's like this world whole unluck was poured on me, well, I did a terrible mistake called "born unlucky"

And I ask you, how do you not dive into complete insanity, frustration, anger, mysery, sadness, helplessness when everything you can feel and experience is a dreadful, inescapable reality, and that is the only thing that you will ever know and never be able to get out of after trying so much, for so long and always failing?
I really don't know, I'm still able to function after all that stuff, none normie in existence could stand in my shoes.
 
SlutLiberationFront

SlutLiberationFront

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Read every word.

It's actually funny when you think about it, so much shit had gone bad in our lives that, it can't be coincidence, no normie had ever lived like me, it's like this world whole unluck was poured on me, well, I did a terrible mistake called "born unlucky"

I really don't know, I'm still able to function after all that stuff, none normie in existence could stand in my shoes.
NPCs would rope in a matter of hours if they were to change lives with us.
 
bing

bing

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Nice description with the panopticon. This happened in my own life where I would make a Facebook and old “friends” would add me but had no interest in socializing with me or being friends. They were just watchers. This is how I know I’m in the correct place.

We are helpless bro, it was determined since birth.

One cannot succeed in soyciety without a strong family support and love.
 
Mentally lost cel

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couldn't pay attention to anything even forcing myself to the maximum to do it and absorb things. I couldn't even hold attention during breaks with entertainment. So, I would just try to relax and do my best to clear my mind and go back to "trying to fucking do any fucking thing I can to have something I can call life".
Same, you seem you need a long break from everything, don’t pressure yourself like a moron “to do something” ,do nothing for a while , I was like this too for a few years ,I took a huge break,am I really awesome rn ? No but I still did pretty good for myself ,passed 2 hard engineering courses with hard work ,2 in a year tho ,still it’s a very good thing for me ,try that for yourself and be in peace with yourself mostly , and don’t do stuff you know that will not pay
 
sub human

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same. i put a lot of time and effort into self improving and went from a 3.8 to a 3.8 on photofeeler. and i still wasn't getting any girls. thats when i knew it was definitely over for me. when you know nothing you do will make anything change. thats when i gave up for good and resigned myself to fucking prostitutes and started plotting my grand escapade
 
SlutLiberationFront

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I think @Mecoja @svgmn1 @laanda and @Arescel should read this, they have already seen the 2 threads in the sewers, including the one where I dive deeper into this so they don't need more context to it.
 
laanda

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there are too many hours in a day when you are copeless. 16 hours a day :fuk:
 
SlutLiberationFront

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there are too many hours in a day when you are copeless. 16 hours a day :fuk:
Dude, having no copes fucking sucks, because there is nothing you can do to alleviate the pain.
 
sub human

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there are too many hours in a day when you are copeless. 16 hours a day :fuk:
you can sleepmax lowering it to 13 hours a day. or ropemax and make it 0 :feelsrope:
 
SlutLiberationFront

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Mecoja

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Everything goes wrong, always. And problem with us is that we have no safety net, no friends, no stable family, no government strategies, when it rains it pours and we dont even have the fucking umbrella :lul: Seriously everything is falling apart around me i dont know what to do. Read everything and its very relatable. I agree with many comments here, things i have been trough and poverty and misery, all my life, normies would go crazy or suicide after a week.

Since the beginning of the year dread of the reality hit me, sure i accepted i will never experience life but poverty and illnesses around me fills me with constant fear and anxiety.

Rotting part is very relatable, it sucks i dont have the energy to pull my household and they depend a lot on me. We are very scarse with food, my sister lost her job, my nephew is sick, my dog is sick, she is in pain and i dont have the money for the lying veterinarians who on purpose try to make it the most expensive possible.

I ask myself every day what is the purpose of all this? Why do ugly, stupid, poor people create us to live this shitty torture, why it pains me seeing people and a dog around me suffer but i dont do anything about it, like getting a fucking job and give them at least somewhat a decent life. I cant, i cant force myself out of rotting and actually doing something, why does what comes normally to people its pure torture for me.

Sorry im rumbling and venting my thoughts. I wish i never existed.
 
laanda

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i think there is no hope for almost all of us by which i mean you will likely rope one day
the bluepill world works on sex and an npc life is full of stress justified by sex not only can we not have sex and not only would you have to personally arrange everything positive to fall into your life unlike the average person who mostly live their life, believe in its importance and as they work things just happen to them theory, but also without sex you become hyper aware of the rest of your life like a boomer who has done the smae thing every day for 30 years. By that I mean you have nothing beyond copes and work, workcels will despise their work, incels will always eventually give up and neet for as long as they can, neeting then makes it even harder to succeed because you get worse at tolerating stress aside from already not seeing the bluepills in working and then the final nail you grow copeless in the easiest life imaginable being living blackpilling proof to yourself and yourself alone that even the easiest possible future for you with no sex is not worth living for more than 3-4 years. Even at this point literally nobody in the world believes you deserve help reacclimatizing, because they count you a non bluepilled failure
The only way out is a one in a million ascension. The reader will either rope or fear real death too much, suffer and suffer until they adjust to that reality, wageslave for copes, and live a disappointing sexless life because they didnt rope. The latter is no longer an option for me and @SLF we have a year left tops
 
SlutLiberationFront

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Everything goes wrong, always. And problem with us is that we have no safety net, no friends, no stable family, no government strategies, when it rains it pours and we dont even have the fucking umbrella :lul: Seriously everything is falling apart around me i dont know what to do. Read everything and its very relatable. I agree with many comments here, things i have been trough and poverty and misery, all my life, normies would go crazy or suicide after a week.

Since the beginning of the year dread of the reality hit me, sure i accepted i will never experience life but poverty and illnesses around me fills me with constant fear and anxiety.

Rotting part is very relatable, it sucks i dont have the energy to pull my household and they depend a lot on me. We are very scarse with food, my sister lost her job, my nephew is sick, my dog is sick, she is in pain and i dont have the money for the lying veterinarians who on purpose try to make it the most expensive possible.

I ask myself every day what is the purpose of all this? Why do ugly, stupid, poor people create us to live this shitty torture, why it pains me seeing people and a dog around me suffer but i dont do anything about it, like getting a fucking job and give them at least somewhat a decent life. I cant, i cant force myself out of rotting and actually doing something, why does what comes normally to people its pure torture for me.

Sorry im rumbling and venting my thoughts. I wish i never existed.

i think there is no hope for almost all of us by which i mean you will likely rope one day
the bluepill world works on sex and an npc life is full of stress justified by sex not only can we not have sex and not only would you have to personally arrange everything positive to fall into your life unlike the average person who mostly live their life, believe in its importance and as they work things just happen to them theory, but also without sex you become hyper aware of the rest of your life like a boomer who has done the smae thing every day for 30 years. By that I mean you have nothing beyond copes and work, workcels will despise their work, incels will always eventually give up and neet for as long as they can, neeting then makes it even harder to succeed because you get worse at tolerating stress aside from already not seeing the bluepills in working and then the final nail you grow copeless in the easiest life imaginable being living blackpilling proof to yourself and yourself alone that even the easiest possible future for you with no sex is not worth living for more than 3-4 years. Even at this point literally nobody in the world believes you deserve help reacclimatizing, because they count you a non bluepilled failure
The only way out is a one in a million ascension. The reader will either rope or fear real death too much, suffer and suffer until they adjust to that reality, wageslave for copes, and live a disappointing sexless life because they didnt rope. The latter is no longer an option for me and @SLF we have a year left tops

I can't even have the energy and motivation to write my memories down or do literally anything besides just breathing, and even breathing is bothering me at this point because I HAVE to do something every second involuntarily to stay alive.
 
laanda

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i think there is no hope for almost all of us by which i mean you will likely rope one day
the bluepill world works on sex and an npc life is full of stress justified by sex not only can we not have sex and not only would you have to personally arrange everything positive to fall into your life unlike the average person who mostly live their life, believe in its importance and as they work things just happen to them theory, but also without sex you become hyper aware of the rest of your life like a boomer who has done the smae thing every day for 30 years. By that I mean you have nothing beyond copes and work, workcels will despise their work, incels will always eventually give up and neet for as long as they can, neeting then makes it even harder to succeed because you get worse at tolerating stress aside from already not seeing the bluepills in working and then the final nail you grow copeless in the easiest life imaginable being living blackpilling proof to yourself and yourself alone that even the easiest possible future for you with no sex is not worth living for more than 3-4 years. Even at this point literally nobody in the world believes you deserve help reacclimatizing, because they count you a non bluepilled failure
The only way out is a one in a million ascension. The reader will either rope or fear real death too much, suffer and suffer until they adjust to that reality, wageslave for copes, and live a disappointing sexless life because they didnt rope. The latter is no longer an option for me and @SLF we have a year left tops
^ path does not have any value / purpose because there is no unseen morality that makes so this is a bad thing or needs to change
^ the morality matters less than the fact that people dont mind that you die this way. millions die alone just because its the optimal way for the world to work, only 5 people will even think about your death, and self aligned incels are the tip of that million with our deaths called deserved so 10% of the deaths can be written off with 0 guilt for sexhavers
 
SlutLiberationFront

SlutLiberationFront

꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅
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^ path does not have any value / purpose because there is no unseen morality that makes so this is a bad thing or needs to change
^ the morality matters less than the fact that people dont mind that you die this way. millions die alone just because its the optimal way for the world to work, only 5 people will even think about your death, and self aligned incels are the tip of that million with our deaths called deserved so 10% of the deaths can be written off with 0 guilt for sexhavers
:feelsrope:That last part hit hard because it's the sad reality, anything against us is seen as completely justified.
 
laanda

laanda

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drop pills
leave site for a day
277564615 508723037255074 6914433074510865336 n
 
laanda

laanda

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^ path does not have any value / purpose because there is no unseen morality that makes so this is a bad thing or needs to change
makes me very sad. incels.is often seems to think there is morality to their suffering actually only you are the only one who loses there
 
SlutLiberationFront

SlutLiberationFront

꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅
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Coming back to this thread later to properly respond.
 
laanda

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im gonna eating guac :feelsLightsaber:
 
laanda

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laanda

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Zensfy

Zensfy

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off topic but holy shit boyo i just recognized that you’re back, well come back nigga i missed ur high iq posts tbh
 
svgmn1

svgmn1

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There are so many things said in your post and it would be unfair to quote one statement and leave the rest

but

because I don't call rotting living

sadly, rotting IS your life after you truly take the blackpill. this is your life. and if you fail to escape it then it's hard to give advice to enjoy such a life.
I am familiar with that feeling. that helplessness, the guilt from hearing and seeing how people your age are doing, most of them married and became successful. while you still never moved out of the spot to start developing yourself in the first place. almost feels like a race that you can never catch. the truth is with this race analogy, you are being lapped by everyone else.

To add up to that pressure, you have people making remarks on your own state. people are pathetic. they will make remarks about your current state. you go to apply for a job, only to be infront of a guy making remarks about your past experiences and how you've been jobless for a long time. that is all part of this system and you can't change it. you can't tell them that you're old and jobless, you realize that the older you grow, the more lies you need to make to appeal to them. it's almost as if the more you stay in this hotel, the less welcoming it becomes for your residency.

now you feel the shame, you go back home, you expect your family to stand by your side. and they don't stand by your side. you mentioned that your family trashtalking you and throwing more shit at you. they justify that by having doubts that you are evading and they will never let you in peace. it is hopeless when even your own blood and flesh that you expect to side with you starts doing exactly what the stranger guy in the job interview did, in a worse way even. you start asking and questioning yourself what world is this? just like you asked yourself in this thread.


Welcome to reality my friend. you can't change anything and you have to accept everything.
 
SlutLiberationFront

SlutLiberationFront

꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅꧅
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food cope
Same.
off topic but holy shit boyo i just recognized that you’re back, well come back nigga i missed ur high iq posts tbh
Hi. I've been in the sewers as always, my first updates/posts after coming back to the website at the start of the month.
Like I said earlier, once you get into this state of mind and realise the nature of the world around you and how it usually goes, you will never be "normal" again, there is no going back from it.
 
Intellau_Celistic

Intellau_Celistic

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I couldn't pay attention to anything even forcing myself to the maximum to do it and absorb things. I couldn't even hold attention during breaks with entertainment. So, I would just try to relax and do my best to clear my mind and go back to "trying to fucking do any fucking thing I can to have something I can call life".

Once again I tried my best, for the 12nd year to be better, do something, only to result in more frustration. No matter how much I try to change attitude just to do small tasks and go towards small goals, no matter how positive and solid I try to stay, I am always brought back to a bottom deeper than before.

I have been trying to do anything I can do learn, in different ways, tutors, I tried things by myself, but nothing ever helps, nothing ever works. I keep imagining that if I don't come of as someone who can't get anything done, at least I will have the least amount of respect, and having my own family trashtalking me and laughing and joking about me TO ME right in my face does not help. I just have to shut myself in and live as a shadow. I live in the mere shadow from the existence of my family. @

Yes. However, you must remember: You have Schizophrenic Spectrum Disorder(SSD); your processing speed and cognitive abilities are likely greatly impaired.

Recently I just have accepted that there is nothing I can do. I will never reach any place in this life. I've been depressed and dreadfully anxious, inpairing autism, suffering from extreme paranoia and schizophrenia ravaging every speck of mental health I had. I thought I was at the bottom, but I was not. Each hour would prove to be worse than the one before, just getting lower and lower. It's an abyss that has no bottom and I keep descending into it with no end in sight.

I'll reference the data. This may comfort you a bit:

Similarly, there may be mild impairment of cognitive function, and it is distinguished from the dementias in which disturbed cognitive function is considered primary. Some patients manifest schizophrenic as well as bipolar disorder symptoms and are often given the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.

What is Processing Speed?​

When describing Processing Speed in my reports, I write:


Processing Speed measures the speed and accuracy of visual identification, decision making, and decision implementation.


There are three key components of this statement: 1) visual identification, 2) decision making, and 3) decision implementation. Simply put, processing speed involves the ability to identify the task at hand, recognize the decision that needs to be made, and make the decision.


Students who excel at processing speed are able to work quickly on cognitive and academic tasks. Usually they are among the first students to finish a test or to complete homework assignments. Determining a student’s processing speed gives us insight into how efficiently he or she is able to complete such tasks. As we’ll see below, however, students who work quickly may also experience other variables that contribute to their speed, some that aren’t necessarily positive.


How is it Calculated?​

The Processing Speed index score is calculated using two subtests: Coding and Symbol Search. This is true for both the WISC-V (for children and adolescents) and the WAIS-IV (for adults).


The Coding subtest requires the student to view a series of numbers written in rows on a page. The student then draws a corresponding symbol under each number. The student is given two minutes to complete as many symbols as possible. The student is awarded one point for each correctly drawn symbol. The student is not penalized for incorrect symbols.


The Symbol Search subtest displays one or two symbols (depending on the age of the student) on the left hand side of the page. The student then must determine whether that symbol appears in a series of symbols displayed on the right side of the page. If the symbol appears, the student circles it. If not, the student checks the “No” box. The student has two minutes to complete as many items as possible. The student is then awarded one point for each correct answer but loses a point for each incorrect answer.


Once the two subtests are completed and scored, the score is then converted to a standard score that can be interpreted. The Processing Speed index score can be interpreted using the following scale:


  • 130 or above: Very Superior
  • 120-129: Superior
  • 110-119: High Average
  • 90-109: Average
  • 80-89: Low Average
  • 70-79: Borderline
  • Below 70: Extremely Low

This is my own genetic result:

1650759316522


Genetic variants in and around the transcription factor 4 (TCF4) gene are associated with range of disorders that are frequently associated with cognitive dysfunction.1–3 The most recent schizophrenia GWAS reported three independent single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) in TCF4 that surpassed the threshold for genome wide significance.4 Intriguingly, rare TCF4 single nucleotide variants (SNVs) have also been described in schizophrenia patients, although their impact on the function of the protein has not been established.5,6 In addition to the genetic studies in schizophrenia, TCF4 variants are associated with early information processing and cognitive markers, some of which are schizophrenia endophenotypes

Furthermore, haploinsufficiency of Tcf4 in mice affects gene expression and DNA methylation in the brain, leading to enhanced long-term potentiation, learning and memory deficits, and autistic-like behavior.22,25,26 By contrast, mice over-expressing Tcf4 in the brain display deficits in sensorimotor gating, fear conditioning, and circadian processes as well as impairments in attentional and behavioral anticipation.7,27

Sensorimotor Gating:

Sensorimotor gating is the process by which one filters out relevant from irrelevant information, a process that is deficient in multiple neuropsychiatric disorders including TS (Castellanos et al., 1996).
 
IsolationHurts

IsolationHurts

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My life is a nightmare too.
Ive just spent like 9 months just going to work, returning home and distracting myself reading. Still, the moment i stop doing things, the pain starts. Every single night i have nightmares.
Its pointless. I just want to distract myself as many hours as possible. I just dont want to acknowledge that my life is already over, that im just waiting for my parents to die so i can finally kill myself.

Anyway. Im sorry you cant get a job. Leaving my family was one of the best things that ever happened to me. All my life i coped with isolation by reading. Without that cope, i think i would have killed myself a long time ago.
I was diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder almost two years ago. If its true that youre in the schizophrenic spectrum, your mental health is even worse than mine. Good luck
 
NorthernWind

NorthernWind

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Everything goes wrong, always. And problem with us is that we have no safety net, no friends, no stable family, no government strategies, when it rains it pours and we dont even have the fucking umbrella :lul: Seriously everything is falling apart around me i dont know what to do. Read everything and its very relatable. I agree with many comments here, things i have been trough and poverty and misery, all my life, normies would go crazy or suicide after a week.

Since the beginning of the year dread of the reality hit me, sure i accepted i will never experience life but poverty and illnesses around me fills me with constant fear and anxiety.

Rotting part is very relatable, it sucks i dont have the energy to pull my household and they depend a lot on me. We are very scarse with food, my sister lost her job, my nephew is sick, my dog is sick, she is in pain and i dont have the money for the lying veterinarians who on purpose try to make it the most expensive possible.

I ask myself every day what is the purpose of all this? Why do ugly, stupid, poor people create us to live this shitty torture, why it pains me seeing people and a dog around me suffer but i dont do anything about it, like getting a fucking job and give them at least somewhat a decent life. I cant, i cant force myself out of rotting and actually doing something, why does what comes normally to people its pure torture for me.

Sorry im rumbling and venting my thoughts. I wish i never existed.
Feeling helpless is very traumatizing for a man.
 
Don Vito

Don Vito

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Hi, SLF once again with a typical thread of mine. A bit of venting, and getting out of the sewers spams for a real discussion.

Once again I tried my best, for the 12nd year to be better, do something, only to result in more frustration. No matter how much I try to change attitude just to do small tasks and go towards small goals, no matter how positive and solid I try to stay, I am always brought back to a bottom deeper than before.

A lot of time spent just preparing myself to do the things that I had in mind, to no avail. After all the preparation, the practical phase began, only for me to once again see that all my efforts will always never be enough or change anything.
I got into reading, tried watching a bunch of stuff just expanding more and more a bit of trivial knowledge and points of view in so many different things, once again I restarted my abandoned plans, everything I wanted. Minutes would become hours, hours would become days, weeks to months... months to years of continuous failures.

I have been trying to do anything I can do learn, in different ways, tutors, I tried things by myself, but nothing ever helps, nothing ever works. I keep imagining that if I don't come of as someone who can't get anything done, at least I will have the least amount of respect, and having my own family trashtalking me and laughing and joking about me TO ME right in my face does not help. I just have to shut myself in and live as a shadow. I live in the mere shadow from the existence of my family. @Zer0/∞ unfortunately relates to this too well.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't seen so much of people and cultures, as sometimes, the more you see and gather from it all, the more you wish you didn't. Sometimes I wish I didn't even know what is the "outside world" and how it eats you alive. How many times, how many years do you have to fail at literally every thing you try to do or learn to just say "I've had enough, my life is going nowhere and will just remain stagnant. Enough of trying if I have tried too much and failed every time"?

I couldn't pay attention to anything even forcing myself to the maximum to do it and absorb things. I couldn't even hold attention during breaks with entertainment. So, I would just try to relax and do my best to clear my mind and go back to "trying to fucking do any fucking thing I can to have something I can call life".

But, this time, I would not give up so easily. I had been trying harder than ever, more than ever, only to result in the most frustrating experiences ever. Not only losing all that was left of what could barely be called sanity, but also time, and money. I can't help but feel like everything is closing in and some kind of monster is approaching to destroy me, as always happens in dreams. I can't have peace or rest even when I sleep. I can't stay a single night without waking up from a nightmare to another nightmare, reality. I can't have a single night of resting, without waking up in complete dread, or just to go on and have a panic attack from everything being so convoluted and mixing so much reality with the surreal, imaginary.

I've never felt so frustrated, sad, lost, abandoned to my own madness that has formed in my head after so many failures for so many years, and everything turning to an incredible, never-before-seen level of anger, to the point of snapping the fuck out and breaking my whole room and not even knowing how long I spent doing it, only knowing how much I physically hurt myself in the process.

To quote one my recent threads about it, in my home in the sewers:


Very few things are on par with having to live as simply being "incapable" of accomplishing anything, even small tasks. You can't really blame a person that had every feeling being mixed and turned into pure anger after so many years of things like this, when you end up with nowhere to run and no options to take.

I can't even cope with anything, no distractions work and I just lay on my bed or sit in the chair and rot. I'm simply breathing, stuck without the capacity of doing anything and moving my life to a simple point of start, because I don't call rotting living.

My preparation was simple and based on my previous experiences and advices from several videos about preparing and arranging everything to study and manage your time, goals, tasks, and so on. I could not do the smallest tasks. I've reached a point of total incapacity to do anything other than just breathing and see no way out. I just sat here or got out there to try things going to no avail every time as I had different ideas and plans.

When you feel so unaccomplished without the capacity of doing anything, you can experience every feeling you have being mixed, fused and transforming into pure rage, and combined with social experiences you can come to a point where you understand why @ERadicator @bigantennaemay1 @Mentally lost cel focus a lot on the anger they feel, and I can't help but feel the same, because all that I had seemingly fused together to form a single, colossal monolithic monument that is consisted of pure rage, hatred, towards people who put you down, and disappointing yourself, blaming yourself for having the slightest hope and then watching it fade away as your dreams are erased before your eyes, as you see everything you want, or ever strived for, is just unreachable and inaccessible.

  • The following section is a mere draft of a thread I had saved from 20 days ago when I first tried to describe what I was feeling, but I couldn't even continue to type everything, I just ran out of every motivation to do anything.

I have reached the absolute breaking-point and nothing can hold me back anymore and I'm getting prepared for it. I've been postponing all my plans because of little sparkles of hope, but I can't do it anymore, and because of that, the writing of my manifesto will probably he a shitshow because I didn't have the time, because of the thoughts that something somehow would change and I would have a chance to have a life instead of just rotting in mysery and loneliness, and always being shut down no matter who I try to talk to.

No interest for anything, all the friends from childhood I wanted to talk to can't be reached and they couldn't care less, or they are mostly dead. Other people I got to talk to got tired of my vents in a matter of hours. Had tremendous arguments with my mom who is the only person that actually matters for me, the only people I thought I had by my side who had been in-game with me for well over a decade split up and started to antagonize me.

I have tried really hard to do something just to lose all the money I had trying to make more money. I have tried to study anything to no avail simply because I'm unable to learn and absorb information. I have tried to cope with anything I can think of, and nothing worked in any way, no food, no movies, series, games, videos, activities, nothing. I can't proceed. I won't proceed to live a life stuck in a mental state that is an opressive prison where all your anxieties, all your fears and failrues look at you from every corner, every angle and never let you rest, physically and mentally. I have already tried everything that I could think of, everything that has been suggested.

  • It's not a fucking phase, it's been my entire life.

A few hours ago I came back in to the forum just to see what was going on, see my inbox and that type of stuff. I was already at an all-time low that I never thought it would someday be possible. Turns out, that later on, it got worse, much worse. It truly gives meaning to "nothing is so bad it can't get worse". That's all I've been experiencing continuously, every time sinking deeper into worse and worse days and state of mind. Every day I thought I had the worst day ever, just to some day later for everything to get much worse. These last months have been the toughest ever, and these last weeks have been absolutely suffocating, and the last days were just too much for a single life to take.

The helplessness is indescribable. I have nothing to hold on to at this point, nothing learn on, people, nothing.

I don't know why my life take such a downhill turn since the beginning. Why did it go so wrong? Why did all of a sudden it started to gradually get even worse, to the point I couldn't be in peace even sleeping, the only gateway to escape reality?​

My feelings right now are of being watched by every corner, from everywhere, and all my fears, anxieties, regrets, failures, all the dread and despair that I have endured my whole life suddenly gained a physical form and I am inside an oppressive, imposing and intimidating, all concrete-made panopticon.

If you don't know what a panopticon is, it's... this:


  • The difference is that many people are watched from the tower by a single person. In my case, I am in the tower being watched by many, from everywhere, by all that has gone wrong, every ghost of failure that I carry inside me, all that had a place in my life and made it go downhill, take unexpected turns to culminate in what it is today. They have been watching every move from me, seemingly waiting for the next perfect moment to attack and and my life even worse.

Things have gone so wrong that the only explanation sometimes is that there is some kind of supernatural force or some kind of curse following me until I die. I don't have words to express anymore. I don't have anything that gives me any sort of value. It's not a phase, it's not just a moment or temporary, this has been going my whole life.

  • There is really no way out, there never was. Every word, every step taken, very decision, every move, every breath, took me to this moment. My life has finally crossed a threshold that I thought had been crossed multiple times in irreversible ways, but every time I thought that was it, it just kept getting worse.
It came to a point where I questioned everything, reality, any possibly existing deity or higher energy/consciousness, how such thing could be possible or what would even be the purpose of such dreadful experience of existence. How can I fail at, just, everything that I have ever tried?

  • You can't be positive or think about good things if you don't have good moments or things to remember and think about. You can't "just be positive" if from the ground up, top to bottom, everything surrounding you or your whole life, your whole self being is an extreme negative?

  • And I ask you, how do you not dive into complete insanity, frustration, anger, mysery, sadness, helplessness when everything you can feel and experience is a dreadful, inescapable reality, and that is the only thing that you will ever know and never be able to get out of after trying so much, for so long and always failing?​

There has to be an "enough" point where you just decide you have tried enough, you have had enough, you have failed enough, you have clear signs it's not going anywhere, nothing is going to change, and your reality is simply a convoluted existential nightmare, with no end in sight.
What should bring joy, brings rage, as it does not work, what should bring fulfillment, brings boredom, what should be a rest, a break, turns into another nightmare when you are already trying to escape the nightmare of existence and reality.

  • And then I ask anyone, how can anyone be positive or motivated to do anything all while going through all this, always being invalidated, all efforts never giving results, no goals are ever achieved no matter how small or how much I try to break them down to make everything easier, more friendly, when it doesn't matter what you do, you can't ever escape from what you feel, and the most you can get out of it are just a few seconds when you laugh at something you found funny just to forget it and be back to before all over again?​
  • How to stay afloat when everything keeps dragging you deeper into an abyss and you can't escape because what drags you is much stronger, when everyone's lives you see is working out in a way or another, they are making it, even if slowly, while no matter what you do you always stay stagnant, stuck, or just devolving into more and more despair, hopelessness without ever thriving?​

It's not doable.
What did you try?
How old are you?

Yes I know. You cant talk about problems with normies and foids. They get distant when you do so. I learnt it in the hard way. Cant even vent with my mom because she will never put in my shoes. At this point I do nightwalks and vent with myself tonight. Don't care if people call me crazy because I learnt I'm my only friend IRL.
 

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