My whole life I’ve hated being tiny. I am 5’2 and I loathe that because of it people perceive me as tiny and weak. I have intense self disgust at myself for the fact that as a small woman, I am less physically powerful than most of the population. It makes me feel pitiful and disgusted with myself. I wish intensely was physically far more intimidating and that stuff like physical strength came more easily. I wish intensely that I were strong and muscular, and that I was at least half a foot taller. It’s even carried into me hating that I am a girl, I hate that women are less physically strong and I wish that puberty gave me muscles like it did for all the boys.
I have a high pitched voice too and I wish it were deeper, I love purposely pitching down my voice and imagining it as deep, but when I actually hear myself I am wracked with self loathing, I practice sometimes in voice pitch recorders and cry when it comes back as too high and feminine, I wish it were androgynous instead.
I had to give up weightlifting which I liked because every time I would get home I would cry remembering my appearance in the mirror, how I was shorter than everyone else there and my body less toned and far curvier (in terms of boobs and hips) than anyone else. And every day the worst part was when we had to run, and my boobs and butt would bounce, it fills me with embarrassment and disgust. I was the weakest person there basically, weaker than any of the other girls let alone other guys. It got to the point where I was genuinely considering going on steroids just so I wouldn’t be weak and pathetic. I loathe that I have to work 10x harder to win in a fight, and even then I’ll never be on the same competitive level of fighting ability as someone who is twice my size.
I’m so immensely disgusted with how people assume I’m submissive because of my size, and belittle me and look down on me. I prefer to be more dominant but unfortunately people don’t assume that about me out of the gate. I hate that people assume my competency and leadership because of my body, and assume that all women, especially short ones, are submissive and pathetic. I also tend to prefer to be the bigger one in relationships, but I know that’s not gonna happen because practically nobody I know in the irl is smaller than me (though this one doesn’t bother me as much because personality matters more to me than height).
I hate my body so much and just don’t see a path forward to being content. I want to be badass and powerful but it feels like I was cursed to be stuck in a tiny body instead. I just don’t know how to be happy with myself and I wish I saw a path forward but there’s nothing I can do, I can’t make myself taller, and while I can work out I won’t get the same results as a dude or even a woman who is twice my size.
