Feelings Revealed
April 14, 2024 at 12:19 AM PST
TLDR: Finally acknowledging personal feelings. Thoughts and beliefs of shame ignored until now. Unmotivated because life cannot be changed from lonesomeness. Cope with me
A recording for myself, high as a kite
Preface: my friend gifted me a pack of edibles many months ago. I did take the last one 11pm. I’m now a stoned NEET. I don’t even care for drugs that much, but I know they play a large role in social situations. That’s why I accepted them and occasionally take them. I may be alone taking them, but I could share the experiences with my friend, and now whoever should see this post. Drugs are popular in part to making one more willing to reveal and bond. Perhaps I’ll post this Note online; it’d be a shame if I couldn’t get feedback after sharing “out loud” my personal thoughts that I may think of throughout the day. Note that I don’t often make reference to controversial topics such as the red pill as I often imagine outsiders sympathizing with my condition. That they’d feel sorry if I wasn’t a “bad guy,” despite the reputation of the forum that I’m a member of, and will likely post this on. I felt more willing to record my inner feelings because of the effects of this edible. Part of me doesn’t want to remember posting this for the thoughts of the troubles that led to making it. Bottling up these thoughts and feelings makes them pour out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff in real life with, anyways, so at least here could maybe help.
Social issues make problems for myself. I really want a girlfriend. Many things are wrong with my character and personality. Critically to my young adult Asian-American character stems from the fact that I don’t do my homework. That’s because of my depression. My depression comes from a sense of loneliness, because I really may alone forever. Truthfully, I don’t see the point in homework because hard work in general may not lead to the changing of my fate. Sure it’s for practicing and applying what one has learned, but I just think of something it can’t bring. Hard work and perseverance cannot always give what one needs. Going through school and getting a job may not change my future of lonesomeness. I may be alone forever.
Autism is why I can’t have romantic relationships. I’ve always had trouble at making friendships and relationships with other people. From my earliest interactions until to this day, I’ve always felt “weird.” I couldn’t communicate how I wanted to with others. I was on a different wavelength from theirs when it came to speech. In that our ways of words could never align. Social cues or signals didn’t exist in me. I didn’t know I really had to share emotions and intention through words. (Thank you Charisma on Command!) I’d say something, and others would look at me funny. I had the wrong words at the wrong times, and always. In elementary I was also weird! I valued being the quickest in maths, and bragged about it like the weirdo I was. I never learned social knowledge until quite recently, maybe after meeting my now friends, or even after graduating high school. I don’t have long learned social knowledge, long had friends, or especially experience with the other gender, when it comes to romantic relationships. I didn’t value making and having friends in my youth, but I only knew of the pain that loneliness felt. The feeling of loneliness was the only motivation in making friends in my youth. But I learned they were companions, and could help in getting those relationships, through connections and in helping my communication skills; they could help to get a girlfriend. If I were to get a girlfriend, then I’d know that there were no longer problems in my life. My autism, or at least its effects would be gone. I’d also be able to be compatible with others and have a job, and therefore car and home of my own to back up my decent character. My inherent mismatch in communication, would lead to conversations going badly. Even in spaces for other “weird people” I have trouble making friends. In having autism I was made to be left out.
The negative feedback made me unconfident . I really avoid meeting other people, especially that around my age. I’m quite ashamed and embarrassed at the state of which I’m in. I’m 20 years old, live at my parents’ home, and I have little future for myself through the routes of schooling, as of right now. I was a smart kid in my youngest years, but I changed in middle school. Since middle school, I did little homework as I thought that even nothing coming after university could make me happy. That after getting the job and the car and house I wouldn’t have a girlfriend. I believed I would be held back by the uncontrollable factor of my character, my autism. Therefore, whatever I did couldn’t affect the ultimate outcome in my life. Many believe if you don’t have looks, then your personality and status could help in dating. I didn't have looks, and my lack of results show. Homework meant a job meant status meant a girlfriend. I didn’t want to use the word “status” due to connotations to “the redpill.” After all, I’m open to all and especially am not intolerant of others. I would not feel compelled to do school work. I have no idea when I will transfer from community college because I keep dropping and retaking courses. I have many conflicting thoughts in my head, and they do wear on me. I believed that, in going to any university, an earned degree in Computer Science would guarantee a “status” job, and that job will guarantee the life I’ve needed so. Simultaneously it could all be useless if I don’t have the social skills and knowledge to keep anybody around. I don’t do homework because it may not lead to what is something important in one’s life.
I’m also feel ashamed. I can’t, or at least avoid talking to my parents. I fear they’ll ask how school goes, and I can’t tell them the truth that is failing grades. They mean so much to me, but I can’t keep their word in doing schoolwork because I feel it could never lead to a relationship - my most valuable earned right. On this Saturday night, now Sunday morning I’ve felt ashamed of being the only one of my brothers at home, without a life. I should be at parties and clubs where they play the house music I thought only I loved so. It’s minimalist in “action,” but actually quite popular! Perhaps I took this edible out of boredom, anyhow. Shame makes me keep these thoughts of failure within myself, where even I couldn’t reflect upon them. Shame is preventing me from sharing my thoughts with those that I know.
I make way for happiness for myself. I can’t be motivated for anything in my life because there isn’t anything I can do to change and improve my personality. My personality type was misaligned with that of the greater, neurotypical population. I can at least act for my physical fitness. I especially love endurance sports, that of road cycling and running on and off-roads. I most appreciate that people of the full spectrum of body shapes, heights, and weights could compete by doing what they are suited to best. Genetic factors controlled what specialties you were best at, and everyone had an ideal role and was therefore equally competitive in their own ways. As the small guy with a slow-twitch muscle composition, I could be competitive in sports while those most popular favor a genetic makeup the complete opposite of mine. These factors don’t lend well to other fast-paced sports, but I had a team role in the sport of cycling and running. I could be lighter, and climb up long hills faster than others, and could run long distances with those bigger than I. Skill, tactics, team play, and knowledge made for depth. Endurance sport, essentially, didn’t require the luck that is optimal genetics due to skill and tactics effecting outcomes most. It also felt productive to do workouts. Hours of exercise was the only thing I could count on to keep my head up. I have biked, and now run, and it’s been two years into this cardio journey. Endurance experience could be built upon with to such a high ceiling. Working out so much was fun as I was outside with beautiful scenery and the thrill of speeds on the regular. It felt that a part of my life could be fulfilled, where I could put hard work into something and get rewarded through sights and fitness. It wasn’t a job or a good grade, but it was fulfilling in a way. I did two hour sessions five times per week. I found hope and cope through my endurance exercise.
My social skills made my life to the way it is now. I am demotivated due to believing hard work not improving my romantic outcome. I am behind in social skills and can’t make friends very well. I do find satisfaction in exercise. Maybe this post is a cry for help. I got high, and just felt it was important to record my thoughts if I were more willing to look inside myself. While at it, maybe share it with someone else, or at least record it more permanently. My past experiences and decisions made me to who I am today.
April 14, 2024 at 12:19 AM PST
TLDR: Finally acknowledging personal feelings. Thoughts and beliefs of shame ignored until now. Unmotivated because life cannot be changed from lonesomeness. Cope with me
A recording for myself, high as a kite
Preface: my friend gifted me a pack of edibles many months ago. I did take the last one 11pm. I’m now a stoned NEET. I don’t even care for drugs that much, but I know they play a large role in social situations. That’s why I accepted them and occasionally take them. I may be alone taking them, but I could share the experiences with my friend, and now whoever should see this post. Drugs are popular in part to making one more willing to reveal and bond. Perhaps I’ll post this Note online; it’d be a shame if I couldn’t get feedback after sharing “out loud” my personal thoughts that I may think of throughout the day. Note that I don’t often make reference to controversial topics such as the red pill as I often imagine outsiders sympathizing with my condition. That they’d feel sorry if I wasn’t a “bad guy,” despite the reputation of the forum that I’m a member of, and will likely post this on. I felt more willing to record my inner feelings because of the effects of this edible. Part of me doesn’t want to remember posting this for the thoughts of the troubles that led to making it. Bottling up these thoughts and feelings makes them pour out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff in real life with, anyways, so at least here could maybe help.
Social issues make problems for myself. I really want a girlfriend. Many things are wrong with my character and personality. Critically to my young adult Asian-American character stems from the fact that I don’t do my homework. That’s because of my depression. My depression comes from a sense of loneliness, because I really may alone forever. Truthfully, I don’t see the point in homework because hard work in general may not lead to the changing of my fate. Sure it’s for practicing and applying what one has learned, but I just think of something it can’t bring. Hard work and perseverance cannot always give what one needs. Going through school and getting a job may not change my future of lonesomeness. I may be alone forever.
Autism is why I can’t have romantic relationships. I’ve always had trouble at making friendships and relationships with other people. From my earliest interactions until to this day, I’ve always felt “weird.” I couldn’t communicate how I wanted to with others. I was on a different wavelength from theirs when it came to speech. In that our ways of words could never align. Social cues or signals didn’t exist in me. I didn’t know I really had to share emotions and intention through words. (Thank you Charisma on Command!) I’d say something, and others would look at me funny. I had the wrong words at the wrong times, and always. In elementary I was also weird! I valued being the quickest in maths, and bragged about it like the weirdo I was. I never learned social knowledge until quite recently, maybe after meeting my now friends, or even after graduating high school. I don’t have long learned social knowledge, long had friends, or especially experience with the other gender, when it comes to romantic relationships. I didn’t value making and having friends in my youth, but I only knew of the pain that loneliness felt. The feeling of loneliness was the only motivation in making friends in my youth. But I learned they were companions, and could help in getting those relationships, through connections and in helping my communication skills; they could help to get a girlfriend. If I were to get a girlfriend, then I’d know that there were no longer problems in my life. My autism, or at least its effects would be gone. I’d also be able to be compatible with others and have a job, and therefore car and home of my own to back up my decent character. My inherent mismatch in communication, would lead to conversations going badly. Even in spaces for other “weird people” I have trouble making friends. In having autism I was made to be left out.
The negative feedback made me unconfident . I really avoid meeting other people, especially that around my age. I’m quite ashamed and embarrassed at the state of which I’m in. I’m 20 years old, live at my parents’ home, and I have little future for myself through the routes of schooling, as of right now. I was a smart kid in my youngest years, but I changed in middle school. Since middle school, I did little homework as I thought that even nothing coming after university could make me happy. That after getting the job and the car and house I wouldn’t have a girlfriend. I believed I would be held back by the uncontrollable factor of my character, my autism. Therefore, whatever I did couldn’t affect the ultimate outcome in my life. Many believe if you don’t have looks, then your personality and status could help in dating. I didn't have looks, and my lack of results show. Homework meant a job meant status meant a girlfriend. I didn’t want to use the word “status” due to connotations to “the redpill.” After all, I’m open to all and especially am not intolerant of others. I would not feel compelled to do school work. I have no idea when I will transfer from community college because I keep dropping and retaking courses. I have many conflicting thoughts in my head, and they do wear on me. I believed that, in going to any university, an earned degree in Computer Science would guarantee a “status” job, and that job will guarantee the life I’ve needed so. Simultaneously it could all be useless if I don’t have the social skills and knowledge to keep anybody around. I don’t do homework because it may not lead to what is something important in one’s life.
I’m also feel ashamed. I can’t, or at least avoid talking to my parents. I fear they’ll ask how school goes, and I can’t tell them the truth that is failing grades. They mean so much to me, but I can’t keep their word in doing schoolwork because I feel it could never lead to a relationship - my most valuable earned right. On this Saturday night, now Sunday morning I’ve felt ashamed of being the only one of my brothers at home, without a life. I should be at parties and clubs where they play the house music I thought only I loved so. It’s minimalist in “action,” but actually quite popular! Perhaps I took this edible out of boredom, anyhow. Shame makes me keep these thoughts of failure within myself, where even I couldn’t reflect upon them. Shame is preventing me from sharing my thoughts with those that I know.
I make way for happiness for myself. I can’t be motivated for anything in my life because there isn’t anything I can do to change and improve my personality. My personality type was misaligned with that of the greater, neurotypical population. I can at least act for my physical fitness. I especially love endurance sports, that of road cycling and running on and off-roads. I most appreciate that people of the full spectrum of body shapes, heights, and weights could compete by doing what they are suited to best. Genetic factors controlled what specialties you were best at, and everyone had an ideal role and was therefore equally competitive in their own ways. As the small guy with a slow-twitch muscle composition, I could be competitive in sports while those most popular favor a genetic makeup the complete opposite of mine. These factors don’t lend well to other fast-paced sports, but I had a team role in the sport of cycling and running. I could be lighter, and climb up long hills faster than others, and could run long distances with those bigger than I. Skill, tactics, team play, and knowledge made for depth. Endurance sport, essentially, didn’t require the luck that is optimal genetics due to skill and tactics effecting outcomes most. It also felt productive to do workouts. Hours of exercise was the only thing I could count on to keep my head up. I have biked, and now run, and it’s been two years into this cardio journey. Endurance experience could be built upon with to such a high ceiling. Working out so much was fun as I was outside with beautiful scenery and the thrill of speeds on the regular. It felt that a part of my life could be fulfilled, where I could put hard work into something and get rewarded through sights and fitness. It wasn’t a job or a good grade, but it was fulfilling in a way. I did two hour sessions five times per week. I found hope and cope through my endurance exercise.
My social skills made my life to the way it is now. I am demotivated due to believing hard work not improving my romantic outcome. I am behind in social skills and can’t make friends very well. I do find satisfaction in exercise. Maybe this post is a cry for help. I got high, and just felt it was important to record my thoughts if I were more willing to look inside myself. While at it, maybe share it with someone else, or at least record it more permanently. My past experiences and decisions made me to who I am today.
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