Everyday I just feel a general sense of fear and regret and general existential dred. I don't even know where its coming from. I just feel constantly confused about what I'm supposed to do and there's nobody that actually gives me help in that regard. I have to go to this therapist for my NEETbux and she basically just does everything to try to get me to become a good cog in the machine. I feel the same with everyone else I went to for advice. They don't actually give a fuck about the way that I feel, they just want me to stop exhibiting the behavior that stems from my doomerism so that I don't bother them and can keep performing my role in soyciety.
I feel constant regret about my life but don't even know what I want to do in the first place. I just feel like I don't have control over myself and am stuck in an endless cycle of sitting in my room and eating shitty food and wasting my time with media I don't even enjoy but I don't even have any idea what I would want to do if I had more willpower. I feel like I have to choice between going and working towards something bigger and more meaningful but then my life just sounds depressing and wasted because I'd just work towards these things while missing everything nice that I'd want to do and if I choose to do the stuff I actually enjoy I also feel like my life would be depressing and wasted because I'd just be living a hedonistic meaningless life.
I also am constantly paranoid about them taking away even the shitty life I currently have. I never had any violent encounter with anyone outside of school (fuck you to all my previous teachers btw that let that stuff happen) but everytime I go outside I'm afraid someone's going to violently attack me and either kill me or disable me, I never did anything illegal but I'm always afraid of the feds taking me to jail due to some false alligation or some other stupid thing, and probably the most reasonable fear I have is that they'll take away my money and force me to wage-cuck.
The worst thing is that I can't even find peace in the knowledge of my own death because I'm reasonably sure I'll go to hell once I'm dead. I was just born into this world with no idea what I'm supposed to do and followed whatever was my natural impulse at the time and now I probably have so much bad karma that I'll sit in hell for a few centuries to burn it off before being reborn as some horrificly disgusting animal or something. I just feel existing in the first place is such an injustice. I wish God would just give me a manual on what I'm supposed to do or something. I wish I could go fight in a just war and then go die a heroic death so that I could at least find peace in dying well.
There's so much I want to do before my time is up but I already know that I will not do it and I can't even just end it all because I'm decently sure that it will just become worse, like in my entire life previously.
I feel constant regret about my life but don't even know what I want to do in the first place. I just feel like I don't have control over myself and am stuck in an endless cycle of sitting in my room and eating shitty food and wasting my time with media I don't even enjoy but I don't even have any idea what I would want to do if I had more willpower. I feel like I have to choice between going and working towards something bigger and more meaningful but then my life just sounds depressing and wasted because I'd just work towards these things while missing everything nice that I'd want to do and if I choose to do the stuff I actually enjoy I also feel like my life would be depressing and wasted because I'd just be living a hedonistic meaningless life.
I also am constantly paranoid about them taking away even the shitty life I currently have. I never had any violent encounter with anyone outside of school (fuck you to all my previous teachers btw that let that stuff happen) but everytime I go outside I'm afraid someone's going to violently attack me and either kill me or disable me, I never did anything illegal but I'm always afraid of the feds taking me to jail due to some false alligation or some other stupid thing, and probably the most reasonable fear I have is that they'll take away my money and force me to wage-cuck.
The worst thing is that I can't even find peace in the knowledge of my own death because I'm reasonably sure I'll go to hell once I'm dead. I was just born into this world with no idea what I'm supposed to do and followed whatever was my natural impulse at the time and now I probably have so much bad karma that I'll sit in hell for a few centuries to burn it off before being reborn as some horrificly disgusting animal or something. I just feel existing in the first place is such an injustice. I wish God would just give me a manual on what I'm supposed to do or something. I wish I could go fight in a just war and then go die a heroic death so that I could at least find peace in dying well.
There's so much I want to do before my time is up but I already know that I will not do it and I can't even just end it all because I'm decently sure that it will just become worse, like in my entire life previously.
