I'm just curious: alcoholism heavily runs on my dad's side of the family - he became a severe alcoholic after developing schizophrenia when I was a toddler to try to cope with that, but his dad and like half his brothers/sisters were also massive alcoholics.
Long story short - my liver seems to be really resilient, like my mentally ill relatives on my dad's side of the family that drink (or if they died, drank) like fish, yet were able to do that nightly for 15 to 20 years without dying. The problem though is that after drinking like at least half a liter of hard booze nightly for around two or three weeks, and decided I wanted to not be in a chemical haze or forget how/when I went to sleep, so decided to just stop: I got more and more anxious, like seriously paranoid, like someone was going to murder me and before I knew it, started to hallucinate incredibly fucked up and sometimes indescribable shit. It started with eeing "shadow people" at first outside of my apartment when it got dark, then small things turning into insects: like centipedes and scorpions and ones that don't exist in reality first in the corner of my eyes, skeletons in the white walls of my apartment and bodies with decaying flesh reaching out to me, and so on.
I started to shake involuntarily pretty badly and could seriously feel something was very wrong with my body, and despite feeling extremely afraid of other people at that point, decided to go to the hospital to survive. I took an Uber at like 3 AM probably looking all fucked up, sweating massively and looking/acting like a complete psycho, all while my heart was beating insanely fast and I started to almost see reality in frenetic, jittering frames. After I told them at the check-in what was happening, I guess based on what I said or how I looked, they took me back almost right away, talking kind of urgently. They sedated with IV benzos and even then at first I was still hallucinating for a bit, just felt calm about it. As seeing shit faded away, the hallucinations became almost beautiful or interesting and sometimes funny as fuck vs. extremely terrifying visions of hell. They were really pushing detox/rehab, but I told them I had to work, because I didn't have a parent's home to move back to and would be homeless, so they relented and sympathetically gave me a handful of Xanax/Lorazepam with instructions to get through the rest of it.
I learned my lesson from that and now use a designer drug legal sedative daily that actually can be pretty euphoric. I've seen some people compare it to ecstasy on high doses, but I've never taken that, so can't say if that's accurate in my experience. It does make me way more social, but not in an obnoxious drunk way where I'm slurring my words and obviously fucked up, which is great. More importantly: I also want to listen to music or go for a walk and just enjoy seeing my city or nature, or talking to people: it's kind of like a social cheat code or something.
Anyway, without any substances or alcohol and really my entire teenage/adult life beforehand without using either, I'm guaranteed to feel ultra-depressed, to the point I don't even listen to music anymore, even shower, or sometimes even eat or do anything other than use the internet while laying in bed if I'm not sleeping as much as I can to black out on a reality I can't endure.
So - sorry I wrote a lot, but does anyone else relate or use drugs/booze? I'm in my mid-20s, FYI.
Long story short - my liver seems to be really resilient, like my mentally ill relatives on my dad's side of the family that drink (or if they died, drank) like fish, yet were able to do that nightly for 15 to 20 years without dying. The problem though is that after drinking like at least half a liter of hard booze nightly for around two or three weeks, and decided I wanted to not be in a chemical haze or forget how/when I went to sleep, so decided to just stop: I got more and more anxious, like seriously paranoid, like someone was going to murder me and before I knew it, started to hallucinate incredibly fucked up and sometimes indescribable shit. It started with eeing "shadow people" at first outside of my apartment when it got dark, then small things turning into insects: like centipedes and scorpions and ones that don't exist in reality first in the corner of my eyes, skeletons in the white walls of my apartment and bodies with decaying flesh reaching out to me, and so on.
I started to shake involuntarily pretty badly and could seriously feel something was very wrong with my body, and despite feeling extremely afraid of other people at that point, decided to go to the hospital to survive. I took an Uber at like 3 AM probably looking all fucked up, sweating massively and looking/acting like a complete psycho, all while my heart was beating insanely fast and I started to almost see reality in frenetic, jittering frames. After I told them at the check-in what was happening, I guess based on what I said or how I looked, they took me back almost right away, talking kind of urgently. They sedated with IV benzos and even then at first I was still hallucinating for a bit, just felt calm about it. As seeing shit faded away, the hallucinations became almost beautiful or interesting and sometimes funny as fuck vs. extremely terrifying visions of hell. They were really pushing detox/rehab, but I told them I had to work, because I didn't have a parent's home to move back to and would be homeless, so they relented and sympathetically gave me a handful of Xanax/Lorazepam with instructions to get through the rest of it.
I learned my lesson from that and now use a designer drug legal sedative daily that actually can be pretty euphoric. I've seen some people compare it to ecstasy on high doses, but I've never taken that, so can't say if that's accurate in my experience. It does make me way more social, but not in an obnoxious drunk way where I'm slurring my words and obviously fucked up, which is great. More importantly: I also want to listen to music or go for a walk and just enjoy seeing my city or nature, or talking to people: it's kind of like a social cheat code or something.
Anyway, without any substances or alcohol and really my entire teenage/adult life beforehand without using either, I'm guaranteed to feel ultra-depressed, to the point I don't even listen to music anymore, even shower, or sometimes even eat or do anything other than use the internet while laying in bed if I'm not sleeping as much as I can to black out on a reality I can't endure.
So - sorry I wrote a lot, but does anyone else relate or use drugs/booze? I'm in my mid-20s, FYI.
